Pragmatic Dharma DISCLAIMER. Some of the information you find here can be considered personal, so I leave the choice with you to read it or not. It's public. I'm OK with it. This log is about my experience with insight meditation (IM) and other things it drags into this life. Weirdness ahead. * * * Meditation is a strongly subjective activity, which makes it hard to talk about. Moreover, kicking "concept" itself off the throne is one of the core elements of IM, which leaves one with not much to talk about. Good bye :) So what's the point? Why meditate? It reduces mental anguish by eliminating some "endless loops". The bottom line seems to be that sustained focus on the process of attention and direct perception sets in motion a certain change in the way attention and perception work. It seems shuffle things around into a more harmonious configuration. Relentlessly paying attention to things you normally don't pay attention to will make you notice things that are normally unnoticed. Some of these "insights" can change your idea of "self" in quite radical ways, making it all feel a bit more natural and integrated. The main mechanism behind this seems to be sustained, repetetive exposure to direct experience of physical sensations. Once you see something clearly, over and over again, as it presents itself, it looses its disturbing power. Staring will not make "bad" sensations go away. It merely opens the door for them to be integrated in the whole of experience. Paraphrasing Daniel Ingram, once "your shit" loosens its stranglehold, it's a lot easier to deal with! * * * It all started end of November 2011 with this HN post [3] which referred the Hamilton Project[6] website and lead me to Daniel Ingram's videos[4], book "Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha" [1], and Dharma Overground[5] website. Daniel's "minimal dogma" approach spoke to me in a very direct way. My background is in science and engineering and I can very much appreciate cutting to the essence without too much story. ( EDIT: 2012-11-24, one year after starting meditation.. ) In that period I was plagued by a lot of anxiety. In this state Daniel's videos[4] pushed me over the edge to give it a try, and the continued progress has kept me on the cushon ever since. In case you wonder, I am not religious. It's a big irony to me that "dharma" means "truth". After about 3 months into doing daily IM practice I can say that it is definitely worth the effort. It gave me what I was looking for, which was basically a better handle on stress and anxiety. Beyond that it is interesting to say the least. More like a revelation, really. In this log I try to follow Daniel's advice and will attempt not to go (too much) into my "stuff". There's plenty of it though and I will just label it as such. I will also attempt to keep the logging of experiences separate from their interpretation, which isn't always possible either. Suggestion and wishful thinking are always lurking. [1] http://www.interactivebuddha.com/mctb.shtml [2] http://delicious.com/doelie/meditation [3] http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3263767 [4] http://vimeo.com/23539030 [5] http://dharmaoverground.org [6] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/ Entry: My practice Date: Fri Nov 25 19:19:13 EST 2011 I've been using a mish-mash of techniques in my own practice. I experimented with formal meditation somewhere around 2000, to pick it up again after getting hit by a personal crisis early 2008. I started from Pema Chodron's book "The Places That Scare You"[1], focusing mostly on being present. I've been practicing on and off since then, quite irregularly. Mostly informal, but switching to formal sitting meditation to try to regain center after being swept away by overwhelming emotions. This summer and fall (2011) I lived through another crisis and started reading Pema Chodron again, and finding more material on the internet until I ran into Daniel Ingram's book[2] early this week, which I'm reading now. My method of meditation after 2008 up to now followed mostly Pema Chodron's instructions. Focus on the outbreath. Label thinking as "thinking". When drifting off, be kind to yourself ("thinking, buddy!") but persistent in bringing back focus to the object. Experience emotions that arise, but don't cling to them. Stare the emotion in the eye, but don't feed it with a story line. Drop the story line. Learn to identify the story line. Focus on the experience. From reading a bit of Daniel's book, what I've been doing seems to be mostly insight meditation: experiencing reality as it presents itself, in it's purest form through sensations, not through abstractions (thoughts caused by sensations). [1] http://www.shambhala.com/html/catalog/items/isbn/978-1-57062-921-1.cfm [2] http://www.interactivebuddha.com/mctb.shtml [3] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/The+Three+Characteristics/pop_up?p_r_p_185834411_title=The+Three+Characteristics Entry: Dark Night Yogi Date: Fri Nov 25 19:31:12 EST 2011 [stuff] After watching the Daniel Ingram's video[1][2][3] I start to wonder whether I'm what he calls a "Dark Night Yogi"[4]. I recall having some strange experiences the first times I performed formal meditation, probably in the summer of 2000. However, I had more intense "personality changing" experiences somewhere around September 2004. I was calling myself elightened, though now I refer to it as my first manic episode. It lasted a couple of months. By new year's eve that year I think I was out of it. There where a couple of relapses but they where minor in comparison. I don't think I was formally meditating after this experience. I also turned into quite a grump after that, experiencing a lot of trouble not dealing well with challenges coming my way. I recall getting into math again in 2005 and experiencing some weird insights. The mathematical insights themselves where not that remarkable -- mostly gaining deeper understanding about some mathematical structures and algorithms used in digital signal processing. However, the way they presented themselves to me and their seemingly huge significance was, well, unusual.. Where I would use real-world analogies to understand these structures during my engineering studies, I started to "see" them more directly. Free-flow mathematical thinking still gets me in what I call a manic-like state. I don't have it so much with real, earth-bound problems though, like anything that has to do with (payed) work. Not enough space to float aimlessly maybe. Too much directed thinking instead of following intuition? [1] http://vimeo.com/23539030 [2] http://vimeo.com/23567498 [3] http://vimeo.com/23568408 [4] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/Dark%20night%20yogi/pop_up?p_r_p_185834411_title=Dark%20night%20yogi Entry: Restarting practice Date: Fri Nov 25 20:17:13 EST 2011 I'm trying to find a good place and time to practice. I'm making a lot of excuses lately. Quite mindlessly attached to that web browser. Apart from just "taking a minute" sitting in front of my terminal I don't get very far. This room is not very conducive, with the whining computer and the snoring dog. Entry: Alan Chapman - Becoming a seeker Date: Sun Nov 27 01:28:50 EST 2011 (paraphrased from the interview here [1]) When you get to a point in your life where you cannot find the fulfillment you are looking for, where it would be possible before like relationships, career, ... you become a seeker. Enlightenment is a process. Perpetually waking up. Getting into a groove of waking up. It's an activity. [1] http://www.openbuddha.com/2011/10/09/Alan-Chapman-Talk-in-Berkeley/ Entry: The Three Trainings Date: Tue Nov 29 10:53:01 EST 2011 According to Daniel it is important to distinguish the 3 trainings (chapter 7 in [1]); one of the cases where knowing a bit of theory is essential to not get into a cul-de-sac. 1. Morality Real world. Being kind to yourself and other people. Content of thoughts is important, as opposed to concentration & wisdom where content is only distraction. 2. Concentration Pure focus on object without deconstruction into individual sensations. Leads to blissful states. 3. Wisdom / Insight Focus with observation of true nature, of individual sensations that make up experience. The goal is insight into the nature of reality, of the three characteristics: impermanence, suffering, no-self. [1] http://www.interactivebuddha.com/mctb.shtml Entry: Waking up, reassembling Date: Wed Nov 30 01:16:38 EST 2011 Explain the experience of waking up with self dissolved, panicking and re-assembling. Since a couple of years I have this experience waking up. Last years it's been there almost every morning. This experience is one of disorientation. Feeling disassembled in some way. Having raw experience, and some feeling, sometimes anxiety, that is sitting there as a remnant of something that might have been important. It takes about 5-15 seconds for this to pass, but it is sometimes very prominent. I've experienced it as unpleasant mostly, though after picking up meditation again the fear of it seems to have vanished in at least one occasion. Not this morning as I woke up in a bit of a panic due to a phone call so I did not observe the pattern itself. Entry: Noon practice, 20 minutes. Date: Wed Nov 30 13:58:31 EST 2011 Wandering, worrying, anxiety, "oh-no"-ness, frustration, contempt. That's how I remember. I had a couple of laughs at the impossibility to stick to the breath. Some small moments here and there it worked, mostly I went off into wandering. I did not reach a calm state as I've had in almost all sitting meditations of the last days (3). I noted with: - wandering - thinking - feeling - fear - worry - hearing - seeing - pain The overall feeling that seemed to stick in the background was one of "this is not working" and my stuff calling me to attention/worry. The rest of the day was quite turbulent mentally. No calm as I had in the past days. Switching between quite severe anxiety and pretty blissful happyness while doing dayjob. Entry: Headache flashes Date: Wed Nov 30 14:04:01 EST 2011 Fairly consistently I'm getting flashes of headache in the top, back of my head, on two sides simultaneously, and a sensation that goes from top top to top back. This happens almost every time I go from jittery/wandering to a calmer concentration state. I've been experiencing these headache flashes ever since I started meditation after discovering Pema Chodron's books. Entry: Anxiety Date: Wed Nov 30 14:07:22 EST 2011 Because of the nature of my work (computer programming) I have no mental space to actually experience wandering thoughts for the large part of the time. However, I do often experience "background anxiety" which is a not-so-cognitive version of the state triggered by my stuff. These feelings go away completely in concentration states. The flashes of thoughts that usually trigger them do arise, but the reaction is not there or way less severe than in the "background anxiety" experience. Doing noting practice I have a very hard time to look beyond this anxiety when it's there. I can clearly know it's there, but I seem to be caught up in it, I don't see it as a sensation, i.e. it's got some kind of special status. Entry: More anxiety Date: Thu Dec 1 12:28:27 EST 2011 This morning I had it bad again. I feel better now after 20-30 minutes meditation in the bath tub. Used noting and the last 10 minutes or so I used counting (1-60, I got at 45 or so) to stay closer to the breath. At a point where I was counting a bit automatically, I decided to count backwards, just as I do with the dog when he's pulling on the leech. The experience of that and the confrontation with suffering it triggered made me laugh :) I seem to have reached some small stretches of say 30 seconds where the observation of the breath seems to have been pure. It was different. No chatter, just the breath's sensations. I can't really perceive or less note the stream of discrete vibrations that's described in Daniel's writing, but at least I can see the space in which they occur. It seems like new territory at least. I'm not sure what phase it is though. Can't yet bring my experience to the naming of phases of the first path. I do feel a lot of suffering and pain and misery, which can get quite intense, then passes away. I loose focus during the arising of this suffering and often go off into content. Entry: 30 mins Date: Sat Dec 3 21:47:26 EST 2011 Trying to make sense of the experiences. First half was as before. I get to a concentration state where it's possible to see mental activity as phenomena, without getting lost in their content. This is then interspersed with some content wandering from time to time. After 15-20 minutes I had an experience of breaking open. Calm, glow. Definitely a "state", so maybe one of the concentration states? No content wandering. Entry: Focus Date: Mon Dec 5 14:36:39 EST 2011 Yesterday's practice was uneventful. Nearing the end I was glad it was done. In the middle I had a dip of the jitters and I managed to sit through that, letting it pass away. At the end of 40 minutes though I just had to stop. Can't really focus well. Maybe meditate? Try that? Go against the stream, observe jitterniness. Had 15 minutes at noon. Entry: Evening meditation Date: Tue Dec 6 23:24:42 EST 2011 This morning about 15-20 minutes in the bath tub. Don't remember much of it. Maybe should write down next time. Just finished evening meditation, a little over 30 minutes. Two significant things. 1. Glow in palms of my hands and soles of my feet and forehead. They felt like balls the size of the palm of a hand. 2. Some feeling of something coming up, then a glow, flash, rotating stuff. It pushed my position backward automatically. I fell out of it after I started observing the impermanence/unsatisfactoriness characteristics. Not really a trace of self. That's experience. Now where does that put me? Are these concentration states or insight stages? Entry: Noticing neurotic stuff Date: Thu Dec 8 10:20:17 EST 2011 As described in Pema's books I am getting more neurotic during the day after 10 days of daily meditation of at least 30 minutes. More procrastination, more anger and agitation. The anger episodes are becoming more apparent, and in some sense more absurd and experienced as a waste of time and effort. I am noticing them, sometimes when they occur but almost definitely after having expressed anger in any way. The procrastination (doing the fun work/play instead of the hard, confrontational and boring work that I really have to do) is still quite strongly present, and still takes me on a ride for whole or half days. Entry: Yesterday's practice Date: Thu Dec 8 10:24:23 EST 2011 I was very tired. The night before I had only 5 hours of sleep. Almost fell asleep after 20 minutes while sitting. I felt a strong desire to stop but investigated tiredness, lack of concentration and desire for sleep or laying down. I was watching the clock to hit my 30 minute mark, and when it did I felt a calm coming over me which I proceeded to investigate instead of holding on to it. I observed it passing away and arising again. Going to bed I continued to meditate, observe that state which lasted. I probably was hanging on to it, then noticed I had faded out into pre-sleep wander and went to sleep. Entry: Today's practice Date: Thu Dec 8 22:41:45 EST 2011 Evening meditation was uneventful. Hard time concentrating. Wandered off many times. Quit after 33 minutes, with the intention to do 43. I broke off my noon meditation in the bath tub as well. Uncontrollable wandering, no patience to bring it back. In the evening meditation I was able to bring up the patience a couple of times. Noticed frustration and the wandering. Noticed through experience that I can't wander and focus at the same time. That sounds obvious cognitively. I'm starting to see the difference of knowledge through experience and knowledge through theorizing more clearly. Entry: Jittery Date: Fri Dec 9 16:18:12 EST 2011 I'm feeling a little mania. Need to be careful for bleedthrough. Hard to tell if it's genuine or suggestion. Feels real enough though.. I'm noting it. Entry: No-self Date: Sun Dec 11 14:23:39 EST 2011 Fri + sat evening meditation where uneventful. Much jitteryness. Much wandering. Much desire for going somewhere else. Desire for going on a tangent. Desire for floating in content and good feeling of novelty. Morning meditation clearly about suffering. Much wandering again. Then I saw some clear visual flickering. Strobes 5-10 Hz, on-off say 1 second on, 3 seconds off. After that I had some feeling of insight about separateness and how it creates suffering, manifested mostly by content (current disagreement / misaligned expectation between me and my wife), but also some kind of fundamental feeling: sadness that this is not necessary. The rest of the day I had a bit of a backlash. Much "stuff". Current stuff, past stuff. Feeling of separateness and aggrevation. Interpretation: - strobes: vibrations? From Daniel's book (paraphrased): many emotional experiences can be due to suggestion, though the raptures often are not. maybe this could be an indicator of where I'm at on the map.. currently I don't know. - stuff: Ego (illusion of self) bouncing back from the shock of being seen as a hindrance or even evil? Entry: Impermanence Date: Mon Dec 12 09:09:09 EST 2011 In yesterday's evening meditation, nearing the end of 30 minutes, there was a moment where time seemed to have been broken up in discrete events. Then there was a reaction of fear and also wonder. This morning I woke up with stomach ake. Work stress. I sat down about 15 minutes until some other life stress turned up. Focused on the clenching feeling in my stomach. The pain, and for the first time the reaction to the pain separated as a distinct phenomenon, closely following it up. This reaction was experienced as a "oh no don't want" thought-feeling. Entry: Interpretation Date: Mon Dec 12 09:11:04 EST 2011 Reading more in MCTB it seems best to refrain from interpretation in this meditation log, and concentrate on experience, or at least memory of experience. I know from past experience that I am very susceptible to suggestion, so better be careful and not get carried away by the story of the maps. Entry: Watching Yuttadhammo Date: Mon Dec 12 17:29:04 EST 2011 Meditate all day: be mindful. Your work should be meditation and your eating should be meditation. I tried this today with walking our foster dog, which I don't like to do because he's undisciplined. Maybe I should do it too with the current phase of my contract work which I don't like either. Though that is concentration-based work.. How to? Entry: Resentment [stuff] Date: Wed Dec 14 09:25:11 EST 2011 As advised in MCTB I intend to not go too much into my stuff in mediation and meta-meditation (this log), but I'd like to mention the following. The emotion that seems to dominate most of my suffering in daily life is resentment caused by "perceived wrong doing from an individual"[1] or a situation. ( It's interesting that I also feel this from situations, as if situations have responsibility that can be invoked to attribute blame. It might not be so surprising that I'm also very susceptible to feeling blame and the blame-induced guilt. ) Anyways, let's focus on what actually happened in yesterday's 30 minute bedtime meditation. I got into a feel-good samatha state and started investigating its 3 characteristics. Focusing on impermance and attachment as usual, the feel-good soon faded and disappointment appeared, followed by resentment ("I deserve this! If I don't get it I want to stop meditating!"). I could intercept the resentment and stare it in the eye, and it also faded. This is remarkable as it's probably the first time I consciously sat through resentment without it pulling the rug from under my feet, without actively trying to feel better by doing some "me time" activity. It doesn't stick though. Woke up this morning thinking about work and resentment popped up again. Though now that I've seen it in a different light, it does look different. As a side note, I read on the Wikipedia page[1]: ... the differences between the three emotions are as follows: resentment is directed towards higher-status individuals, anger is directed towards equal-status individuals and contempt is directed towards lower-status individuals. That puts an interesting perspective on the targets of resentment, i.e. that they are considered as "higher-status" which is quite surprising, but makes sense indeed. Ties in neatly with that feeling of insecurity ;) [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resentment Entry: Emptiness Date: Wed Dec 14 09:39:58 EST 2011 It seems that I can focus quite clearly on impermance and attachment/suffering, but that emptiness is experienced rather indirectly, mostly through suffering. Self seems to be not there many of the times when sensations and thoughts can be intercepted, but it just "jumps in front of me" whenever the content train leaves the station. The next step might be to go back to the instructions and see how to focus on emptiness in a more direct way. What I do see is that the story-style seems to be rooted in a self-image in a very deep way. From what I read in MCTB this is far from what the experience of emptiness is. Entry: Fear Date: Thu Dec 15 12:08:32 EST 2011 My noon meditation, a little over 15 minutes. Lots of wandering. I started with a very jittery mind, with a very uncomfortable distracted feeling. Before I had tried to quiet it down while sitting at the computer terminal but that didn't work so well. It seems formal sitting meditation is still necessary to get at access concentration to be able to observe just sensations when I'm not already very calm in the first place. So I sat in my usual quiet spot. Different because of daylight and the open windows. A lot of wandering at first but I came to better concentration later and started using a more aggressive noting approach. Before I had moments where there seemed to be nothing to note, but this turns out to be more about not seeing that those moments are filled with thinking and imagining. A very subtle type of wandering, different from the obvious, content-loaded storylines that are easier to spot. After doing this more aggressive approach, somehow forcing myself to a certain noting frequency, say 2/second, a brief moment of feeling fear appeared. Then I stopped to write this entry down. Interpretation: this is maybe the first time I touched a direct experience of nothingness? This aggressive observation seemed to have catched some of the constructed self thoughts that I didn't see at first, which freaked me out a bit. It felt as if something got snatched by the throat while sneaking around unnoticed before. Entry: Frustration Date: Fri Dec 16 17:31:49 EST 2011 It's starting to get frustrated. I'm having a lot of trouble getting to focus through the day. When I sit down, I usually feel better. The jitteryness usually doesn't stay. If it stays, it can get more intense. Yesterday, first 30 minutes evening meditation was like that. I was getting distracted and frustrated with the dog's noises. Tried to focus on that feeling but it got quite strong and in my face, not really possible to observe it without it swamping me. Today after work I felt unconfortably bored. Sat down, and got into some samatha feel-good state. Felt a strong feeling of satisfaction and clinging. A "finally! sedation!". Entry: Background Anxiety Date: Sat Dec 17 13:22:19 EST 2011 A strange phenomenon. A particular stuff stressor is causing what I define as Background Anxiety: a stressed feeling in my stomach that is there as soon as I start living ordinary life, after being cofronted with said stuff stressor. The strange thing is that the moment I sit down and focus on it, it disappears almost immediately. If I don't to this, it keeps stuck. Now what was clear (body and mind / causality stage?) is that thoughts trigger those stomach feeling, and clear focus makes this relation obvious and also makes the sensation loose its grip. What I don't understand is that when I'm writing (like now) the gripping feeling is there quite clearly. Maybe writing isn't such strong concentration? Maybe typing just goes too slow wrt. thinking? When I'm deeply concentrated on programming and I'm not bound by typing, this sort of phenomenon does not occur. It is as if (interpretation) there is some background thought thread running that perioidically activates/feeds the anxiety. As if it's keeping guard, making sure I don't dose off and dive into some fun activity with full concentration? Maybe the thing to cultivate is to switch to full concentration immediately whenver such feelings arise. Starte them in the face immediately, and they vanish. Weird.. I'm trying this now as I'm writing and it takes only 3-5 seconds after concentrating for the feeling to come back. One thing to learn is then, how to have undivided attention while writing? I'm trying now to starre more carefully at the letters as they appear on the screen. This seems to help a bit. That leaves less room for other sensations to arise and maybe counts as a meditation in itself. It seems more quiet; leaves more room for the thoughts that form the sentences, but not easy to maintain. Entry: Blowout [stuff] Date: Tue Dec 20 17:55:06 EST 2011 I had a stress-related panick attack today. Interesting how the whole experience was a bit surreal. I was in the middle of it, knowing (rationally) that it was a self-feeding process, but I was so absorbed by it that I could not step out. Once it toned down on its own I could see it more clearly what just happened. These reactionary episodes are the main reason why I started meditating. To have them stop being such a big deal. They still happen, but it seems to be only the big ones that are left. I'm still quite surprised I'm intercepting the smaller ones, though. What makes this blowout so surreal is that I'm experiencing both brain-operating modes throughout the day: full cloudiness at stuff-convergience points during the day and clear(er) seeing at evening meditation and after such blowouts. Entry: Yesterday Date: Tue Dec 20 18:07:25 EST 2011 From memory. I'm experiencing more of the 3rd characteristic (selflessness) directly. The first two seem to have been easy to see when you actually look: impermanence and the arrival of suffering through attachment. The observer however has always been there. Yesterday and in the last couple of days I've had brief moments where this seems to "flip over" for a brief moment, until fear arises. Hard to say how much of this is scripted. Even thinking it is scripted might be scripted. Gotta love the circularity of it all.. This weird sensation of selflessness seems to arise when I note more aggressively. I have this feeling that some of the time where I think nothing is happening, I'm actually thinking but can't intercept it. Entry: Pfff [stuff] Date: Fri Dec 23 15:33:34 EST 2011 Things suck right now. I hate christmas. Meaning, the days before. Part of this seeing clearly business is that I know that now very clearly, I really hate christmas, and how people can get so worked up about the family stuff, the expectations, the trying to keep things stick together. Including myself of course. So I tried to sit with it. Sit through the shopping in a more mindful way. Trying to see that whole pattern of resentment arise and pass away. It's funny how even with feeling it seemingly more clearly, more intense, the lasting effect of it is greatly reduced. I can't stay angry any more. Now on to the rest ;) Entry: Feels like something is coming Date: Sun Dec 25 13:24:11 EST 2011 More of the meditation is moving towards whole sensate field observation, and regularly the feeling pops up that something isn't right. That I'm not getting why I'm still feeling separateness. It's hard to describe the experience. The explanation above seems almost perfectly scripted/suggested.. Experience of sadness, non-integration. In daily life, many episodes of resentment, hopelessness, panic, clearly unmet expectations and related frustration. Strong sense of separateness in response to current stressful situation with is out of my control. After short meditation I clearly see how the constructed separateness, the clinging to the idea that "This is not my fault, but I'm victimized anyway." causes the suffering. In short, I feel like crap! Entry: Last days Date: Thu Dec 29 22:40:01 EST 2011 Lots of frustration and aversion. One of these days it broke, I went from "I don't want to sit here" to a calm, aware, happy feeling that remained after the end of the meditation. The days after resumed with aversion, confusion, lack of concentration and more crap. Today after a long, intense day, a conversation triggered some heavy dualistic thinking: "you vs. me" + blame. I just sat down, calmed down, and started to see this pattern, locking out of it. Seeing that compassion is the way to approach this particular situation. Alright, time for the insight practice. Entry: Strange experience Date: Fri Dec 30 11:10:16 EST 2011 I'm experiencing a calm state and a sort of "now what?" thing in the background. As if I'm about to make a step but I don't know quite where. In this calm state I clearly see a "me" that's waiting for something to happen, and is getting impatient. It's a very strong feeling of separateness. I also had a quick succession of sadness (with tears) followed by very disorganized mind. Then a thought "it's all fluff" triggered, I sat with it and almost immediately I moved on to a calm state. [ Interpretation ] I'm starting to wonder if this is the misery -> reobservation -> equianimity part of the first path as described in MCTB. There are many correlations between what I'm reading and experiencing, but it's hard to say how much of it is scripted, and the correspondence isn't 100%. I don't see fear. I just checked[1], it comes before misery. Anyways... [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB%20The%20Progress%20of%20Insight?p_r_p_185834411_title=MCTB%20The%20Progress%20of%20Insight Entry: Very calm Date: Sat Dec 31 21:36:14 EST 2011 Lots of calm. Deep, deep calm. Some moments of aggrevation, which I hit with the "no substance" bat and then it turned to calm again. Entry: What has changed? [stuff] Date: Sun Jan 1 21:09:37 EST 2012 Comparing my behaviour now with say two months ago, what has changed? I don't meander on the internet any more. I can clearly see the pain caused by lack of focus, by following scatter-brained discussions. I can sit quietly. Before I would have to always be doing something or obsessively thinking about something. I have less anxiety. And when I do, the fear has a face - it can be related to something concrete. Less denial maybe. What hasn't changed? I'm still overly attached to obsessive about my programming projects, and experience suffering when things don't go as I planned (they seldom do). I still resent work quite often. I resent being forced into taking responsibility in life in general. Entry: Pfff Date: Mon Jan 2 21:04:37 EST 2012 Good case of fundamental suffering I guess. Hard time to concentrate, want to run away from things. Anyways, the complete opposite of my "good morality" report from yesterday. I'm probably giving it another try soon. Tried 2x30 mins, early this morning and just now. Didn't finish either of them, got frustrated wandering and couldn't sit with the frustration. This kind of tiredness is hard to deal with as it messes with the core of concentration. Entry: Letting go of love Date: Wed Jan 4 11:04:28 EST 2012 A strange experience yesterday, related to love. Following the instruction "observe, let go" I did this when a feeling of love arose. First, love has never been so radiant and clear to me as in recent times, doing this kind of observation and "letting it in". However, when it arose and I let it go in full awareness, not clinging to it, a great, deep, lasting equanimity arose. Observed this for a while, with my eyes open (usually I have trouble with open eyes). Then I started feeling attachment to this equanimity which I don't think really ever went away. After the bell this prolonged for a bit until I fell asleep. After that woke up with fear as I had throughout most of the day yesterday. Also this morning: uneasiness, a bit of panic, and more worry about the dog after new developments. [stuff] [interpretaion] It's kind of new to me to feel this feeling of love so directly for a dog, but yes, I experienced it and it was beautiful. Maybe it is about accepting the possibilities of it being hurt, i.e. the dog dying. Entry: Relapse Date: Sat Jan 7 08:14:55 EST 2012 Last couple of days (wed, thu, fri) where relapse days. No concentration, lots of sleepyness. Trying to know lack of concentration and sleepyness is hard. Entry: Re-observation? Date: Wed Jan 11 12:48:57 EST 2012 Current affairs: lots and lots of resistance to almost everything. I remember this feeling from before I started dayly practice. It feels as "simply disconnected", not wanting to have anything to do with the real world. At this time, I feel like that though the writing makes it less obvious. Cognitively I see that this is indeed something to "push through". But only after sittin gon the cushion for 10 minutes and walking away, then remembering that staying on that cushion and sitting through it is exactly the point. As for going to sit on the cushion in the first place, I don't know. Possibly I realized that something was not right and that sitting would provide the answer. In my current interpretation this state could be nicely summed up by the 3 characteristics: seeing everything as undesirable, feeling a clear duality, and not being aware of the impermanence of this state, looking for quick fixes that make it go away. So clearly "seeing" these things but not being "aware" that this is the nature of reality, and that clinging or pushing doesn't have the intended effect. So, after writing this I'm going to try again. Circularity being what it is, writing this down is probably already a displacement activity, doing something to not have to sit through it... Entry: Knowing fear Date: Wed Jan 11 13:16:42 EST 2012 It's becoming more clear to me that my fear is hidden deep down. I've seen sadness a lot the last couple of sessions: only very brief, half a second but intense shots of sadness that lead to the facial expressions that arise during crying. Today I got through the resistance mentioned in the previous entry, arriving at a point of calm but with an insistent contraction in my stomach. After more consciously looking at that following a "show yourself" intent, that feeling went away after exposing itself more clearly as fear. Fear of many [stuff] things currently in the air that have possible but unlikely undesirable outcomes. Entry: Noon is the problem Date: Sun Jan 15 09:48:22 EST 2012 I like programming, but I get obsessive which eventually leads to suffering. How to manage this better? How to be mindful hroughout the day? Usually my mornings start alright, if I slept well. If I didn't then I'm launching right into aversion from the beginning, but let's stick with a day that goes well. The pattern: I start to work on something I love, get entrenched in it. Then I run into some difficulty, to which I start to react with aversion and frustration. This continues for a while until I burn myself out and get in a mood where I'm so locked into the negative side of obsession that everything else (my real life outside of this somewhat artificial hacking world) turns into an unmanageable mess. This usually happens early afternoon. I'd like to learn how to catch this before it overtakes me. Some ideas about mindfulness throughout the day: - Since it's so predicatble in time, maybe a fixed 1 pm meditation session can help? - Try to catch frustration and aversion when they arise. These emotions seem to always be the trigger. I get angry when I have a "good idea" and it turns out not to align with reality very well. When it happens, make sure that awareness of these sensations gets to the point where they go away: they are all fluff so are expected to pass when given proper attention. - Somehow set reminders? The main problem is to get carried away by the emotions and ideas. How to set a reliable alarm that kicks me out of it completely? Sometimes I have so much state in my head that I really don't want to stop, being afraid of letting it all die and having to restore it. The truth is that whenever I feel like that I'm probably tackling things the wrong way, and the house of cards is bound to fall on its own due to the huge amount of effort it takes to keep it standing. Entry: Back on track? Date: Mon Jan 16 00:27:54 EST 2012 Some things where different today: - started out happy (got into baking bread lately) - started noting again after seeing distraction pop up - felt bliss and rapture The noting made things seem like they where in the beginning: more clarity, more stability of concentration. I somehow stopped doing that or doing it less rigorously, which is probably the cause of a lot of the meandering of late. So why was that? Maybe there is resistance against noting itself that wasn't noted? It takes effort, so my low energy level in the past week was probably at least part of it. Overall I feel quite good today. The stuff's also better so that might be simply attachment. Entry: Today's mindfulness at work Date: Mon Jan 16 16:00:30 EST 2012 Today I tried to get at the pattern. Something like this: 9-12 high-energy high-clarity work. 12-13 first signs of superficial fatigue and joyful stress, short break helps 15-16 first signs of deep fatigue, dispairing stress, in need of "tomorrow" break I tried meditation at 14:00, which was difficult due to high energy and a presence of "work to do later" in the form of wandering thoughs and a tightness in the stomach. Trying to let go of that a rapture occured, which seems to happen easier in joyful, energetic states. Entry: Accepting pain Date: Thu Jan 26 13:29:35 EST 2012 That's a tough one, isn't it? I've been using some life stress to observe pain or a queasy feeling in my somach. I'm observing a pattern I've discribed before (pain going away when being concntrated). I've been using (at least) 2 different approaches: - Letting the pain in without resisting it. Being kind to the pain. Greeting it. In Jack Kornfield's style: "Hello pain, I know you." - Focusing on the individual sensations, in Daniel Ingram's style: trying to see through the solidified object (pain in my stomach) to see what flickering sensations it is made of. Both seem to work, though the second one is harder. Maybe because it relies less on suggestion and more on concentration and observation. Though the latter one is more profound. The former treats the pain with love, the latter treats it with courage. The latter indeed shows me rising/falling at a greater detail than the solidified pain. Entry: Morning meditation Date: Mon Jan 30 08:49:13 EST 2012 - obsessive, resentful mind - strong tendency to "be somewhere else" - very shallow breath, almost not there (caffeine?) - queasy stomach (coffee? hunger?) Entry: Loving Kindness & Insight Date: Sat Feb 4 09:43:37 EST 2012 I joined an IM circle in Lansing guided by Dan. Wednesday was the second sitting, where he focused on Metta in the second part. While not strictly IM, according to Dan Metta practice is something that comes together with Vipassana after a while, but it is important to start doing both as separate practices in the beginning. I'm having a hard time doing this, which probably means that he's right ;) It seems that Metta is a good way to approach the third characteristic (unity / separateness) and the second characteristic (attachment). With compassion and loving-kindness resp. I think I sometimes stumble into this kind of practice when I accedentally open up during insight practice, i.e. when I observe attachment face of love. This "letting go of love" I discribed earlier seems to be the opening up that is the goal of Metta practice. Googling a bit.. It might be interesting to read this thread [1]. I'm getting on a morning caffeine trip and finding it hard to focus. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2433670 Entry: Anxiety, deconstructing the feeling Date: Sat Feb 4 10:35:11 EST 2012 Using more precise observation I've reached a point where it is possible in say 50% of the times to deconstruct the feeling in my stomach that is associated to anxiety (non-directed or not clearly directed fear). Instead of the solidified feeling of a "stone" or a "clenched fist", looking at it more closely without resistint it, a much more turbulent, non-constant pattern emerges. It feels a bit like waves of tension, starting in a center and bubbling outwards. The bubbling isn't constant either, it comes in salvos. I'm not able to control the rising of it, but observing it does seem to release some of the clenching involved. Entry: [stuff] Anxiety, Resentment and Boredom Date: Sat Feb 4 10:44:14 EST 2012 Man, there is a lot of anxiety and resentment! Much more than I was aware of. My overall approach to it is still not being aware of it, trying to make it go away. I'm aware of the more obvious ones, but there's a whole world of hidden attachments that I'm only beginning to see. One of them is boredom. I really don't like doing things that I've already figured out, and that just need the last mile of "maintenance attention" to put the details in place. Much of my motivation seems to be about the elimination of nuisance (scratching that itch), wanting that relief so badly. When I get the idea that a certain task will probably be much more unpleasant than just ignoring the itch it's trying to scratch, then bye bye motivation. I've never thought of it like this, but Jack Kornfield describes boredom as a form of judgement. Paraphrased: something isn't worthy of my time because it will not bring me the right amount of pleasant stimulation in exchange for painful effort. Entry: Equanimity Date: Sun Feb 5 21:14:45 EST 2012 This whole day was weird. Circumstances made me a bit nervous this morning, and I've been trying to apply mindfulness to the day. I'm procrastinating (taxes) which put me in a bit of denial/separateness space. Afternoon was very stimulating (dog training going well) which gave a bit of grounding. Evening meditation was very peaceful. Can't really remember much of phenomena, but there was a clear open space and lots of vibrations. Broad field. Concentrated on that feeling in my stomach that has been popping up a lot lately. Something keeps it there. I don't tink it has a physical origin, it feels too much like stress when the stressor is clear, but there's no clear stressor. It seems to vanish when I focus on releasing my idea of "grip on things". Earlier today the idea to "let go of *everything*" came to mind when meditating. Trying to do so made the feeling disappear, with a feeling of something else opening and space becoming larger. I also fell it shrink again with the pain immediately reappearing when thoughts popped up that where of the nature of "after meditating, I'm going to ...". Interpretation: something seems to be presenting itself but I can't really put my finger on it. It's at least related to a certain guilt I feel about "not doing anything", or "idling". It's hard to describe but it seems that often I have things running in the background that I'm not fully aware of. Staring at the physical manifestations sometimes helps, but it seems that often you need some kind of nudge to know where *else* to look. In my case here it's about letting go of the context of meditation, being the allotted time slot that felt like keeping everything inside a bottle. Entry: Good day Date: Tue Feb 7 20:16:41 EST 2012 Somewhat of a little stress ride in the middle, but overall I have the impression today was different. More naturally in the moment, and more naturally recovering back to base line after getting excited about someting. I feel happy. Entry: The No-Complaining Bracelet Date: Sat Feb 11 11:15:48 EST 2012 [1] http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3578459 Entry: Good days Date: Sat Feb 11 11:16:11 EST 2012 Things are different. There is more happiness. I still get stuck. I still jump on the train, every day, but after a while, depending how fast the train is going, I notice I'm buying into the story and can let it go. [stuff] Yesterday was like that. Took a day off with Melissa but somehow got into a bad mood in the morning. I retreated into a used book store, and sat there while she went into another store. Was reading [1] and practicing noticing. Things cleared out after that. This is new. I used to get into moods like this, not knowing what happened, but staying stuck for the whole day. [1] http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/mahasi/progress.html Entry: Cycles Date: Sat Feb 11 18:22:36 EST 2012 Life has its cycles soaked in irony. Right after writing the previous post things start going downhill. Wound up in a spiral of reactivity, blame, resent, sadness, disappointment, ... I don't even know how I got there, but it was a gradual build-up from unnoticed little annoyances.. I sat with it for half an hour after external factors allowed, and the feeling in my stomach didn't really go away, which probably means the core of it wasn't observed fully. Storylines came up right after leaving the cushon. I'm still holding on to it. The insight was that it really is attachment, getting into a blind alley without noticing that it's the actual clenching that makes it hurt so much.. Though that seems to be enough only in the moment. The longer the clenching persists, the longer it can feed itself and the firmer it can lock in. Noticing that it is attachment only released temporarily during meditation. The automatic took over right away again, keeping the suffer-momentum going. Tried some loving-kindess too, but it just doesn't seem to get anywhere in this kind of state.. Just unable to open up. What seems to be the trick is to truly accept it. From Jack Kornfield's book (paraphrased): accept that the unwanted emotions are going to be there for a while, or will come back later. Only when that is fully acknowledged, then the clenching tends to release. Acceptance is hard. Back to the cushon, not done yet :) Entry: Morning judgement Date: Sun Feb 12 09:42:39 EST 2012 Basically, the stuff that drives procrastination. I've been thinking a while to do work as mindfulness exercises. The toughest time to do this is the morning, waking up right into judgement: "no, I don't want to". I've been reading about Affective Freedom yesterday. Seems related to IM in that the practice is mindfulness-based, but its focus is more clearly on happiness[1]. [1] http://actualfreedom.com.au/ [2] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2401384 Entry: Challenge Date: Sun Feb 12 22:16:12 EST 2012 Tried twice to bring up "stuff" memories to see how the train starts moving, and indeed it did in both occasions. I tried to focus on what happens at the moment of gaining awareness of the now, how the memories fade and how they immediately loose their grip once you step out of the story. It seems that a lot of the good feeling is still quite conditional on some memories not arising. When they do arise and I don't catch them early, they take off. And what becomes more clear: all the stories are about "me". Not about real issues, but about the threatening of ego. Most of them take the form of me responding to a disagreement, initiated by another person's expressed opinion or behaviour. From memory, that's not true.. There are storylines that are not about human interactions too, but those are not so emotional. They are more about curiosity. ( I had the laptop in front of me to record experiences, but it seems to be more of a distraction to log every idea that comes to mind.. Let's focus a bit more. ) - solar plexus. looks like that's my best point of focus, since everything seems to be happening there. any emotion that comes up manifests there first. when I just look at the breath, I don't notice queasiness creeping up. - the story about me. it's there, mostly about inferiority and superiority, comparison, judgement, and resentment through perceived superiority in others. it's the same as it ever was, but it's getting silly. maybe that's a sign of progress. something in me seems to be trying to step out of that loop, while the loop itself just keeps on playing and reinforcing itself. - aside from the "me" stuff there's the just wandering stuff. the "lalala i'm idling.. wow this mat is interesting." Entry: Where do I want to go next? Date: Sun Feb 12 22:47:46 EST 2012 - Find mindfulness in the morning. - Find mindfulness in a boring task, probably also in the morning. - Find mindfulness in "no, I don't want to do that now". - Practice concentration. It seems to be easier to cut the "me" loops, becauuse they are so emotional. It's harder to catch ordinary wandering. - Compassion & loving-kindness. Didn't do much of Dan's instruction these weeks because there seemed to be more important matters to take care of, though the few times that I managed to do it or stumbled into it, it definitely seemed worthwhile. Opening up is something I need in daily life. Entry: On the path Date: Sun Feb 12 23:41:42 EST 2012 I started this log when starting to read Daniel Ingram's book. So where am I on the path? I don't know. If I would guess, I'd say reobservation and early equianimity. What seems recognisable is the piercing through the "all fluff" of reobservation into the quiet open space of early equanimity, though this could also be pre-A&P. If it's equanimity, I must have had an account of the dark night. And I recall a lot of time spent in misery, crying about a deep deep feeling of sadness about the clear link between suffering and its causes, i.e. my own choices and choices of people around me. Disgust I've not seen so much of, only in it's lesser form of disinterest and boredom. Though there have been moments when I clearly felt "home sick" for an illusion of permanence. Fear following insights was definitely there a couple of times. Most fear however was fear for possible future real-world situations, i.e. worry. What worries me is that I feel better on the cushon overall: the heavy emotions do not arise so much, but that happiness makes me sloppy. Also, I don't tend to oversit. I stick to 30 minutes pretty much, with some continuation in bed, where I usually fall asleep. And then there's the mornings. They suck. No, they are beautiful but they are also filled with desire and attachment. They start to suck when obsession or aversion sets in. I'm just not aware/awake until hours after I get out of bed.. Entry: Responsibility and Panic [stuff] Date: Mon Feb 13 21:00:07 EST 2012 Be honest about doing what you can, and be done with feeling guilty when it turns out not to be adequate. I'm in a situation at work where there is a form of risk I'm not familiar with. A form of risk where tiny mistakes can have huge consequences. My mind is terrified by this, and it only wants to mitigate the risk by adding safe guards everywhere, while there is really no time to do so. The main point seems to be being careful and always fully aware, which from experience is not my strong point, and it often goes wrong. It has caused a lot of stress in the past. It's better now than before, but there are still flareups of panic. I've been working with this fear in meditation, to try to see it clearly. What comes up is the notion of honesty (that I did/do my best) and acceptance of imperfection. The honesty boils down to really paying attention without resentment (about having to use a particular tiresome approach) and blame, or any form of judgement. What happens however is that thus judgement gets in the way and cloud clear thinking. It is directly opposing honesty; it's not possible to be honest about being judicious while there is any form of judgment going on. Bad judgements get in the way of good judgement. Entry: Unsatisfactoriness Date: Thu Feb 16 16:56:22 EST 2012 Trying to move into unsatisfactoriness directly, following more of Daniel's advice. Having a tough day today after my morning outing. Brain doesn't really want to cooperate. Feeling boredom, dissatisfaction. Today is the perfect time, but I don't really want to ;) I ate a huge heavy burger yesterday. Maybe there's some correlation.. Entry: Meditation at Work Date: Sat Feb 18 17:19:47 EST 2012 I study a lot. Currently I'm learning the Haskell programming language, which is a treasure trove of beatiful abstractions that are rarely encountered in any other programming community. However it is quite hard; I'm constantly surfing my limit of understanding. Recently (or recent years) I've been getting frustrated by a "wanting to understand" state of mind. At some point I get tired and get really confused. This feels pretty bad. At such a point I can hardly let it go, so I try harder and get more confused usually. It spirals. I think I "should" be able to get something and of course then it's really hopeless to ever get there, mixing tiredness with a bunch of extra emotions that take more energy to sustain.. It's interesting how this works. I really like learning. Getting to clarity about things is a very nice experience. However when clarity doesn't come as expected, when things are too difficult or too hard to absorb at a particular time, the good feelig can easily turn into frustration or resentment. It's basicly greed for understanding. I'm trying to train myself into remembering Daniel's advice about investigating unsatistfactoriness: "How exactly do I know that this current phenomenon is unsatisfactory / desirable?" The first thing that happens when this thought pops up (or more correctly the observation pattern in refers to) is that the intensity of the desire desolves. Sometimes it can disappear completely so quickly that this trick seems magical. Immediately a desire to have this control all the time pops up! So I've been trying this a lot lately. There seems to be some improvement in intercepting sprialling thoughts. What also comes to mind when seeing this is the relationship with no-self. I seem to have somehow correlated/observed directly the correlation betwee desire and separateness. The wanting to take or push away makes the boundary between self and other very clearn: it's the thing you cross when pushing or pulling! Maybe that's going to be my vehicle? Desire and separateness? Entry: Strong desire Date: Wed Feb 22 09:24:31 EST 2012 Yesterday was challenging. Hard to concentrate on work due to lot's of noise in the house which lead to some agitation and (deeper hidden) resentment. Conflict popped up at the end of the day, not directly about this but highly likely indirectly so. I did reclining meditation for about 30-45 minutes followed by sitting meditation for 45 minutes. Focus on the emotional turbulence and the undesirability of it (2nd char). Experienced some brief moments of insight where it all seemed to "click": my attachment to the situation went away, making room for equianimity, settling in reality. These didn't last long though. Pull into the emotions and attachment was very strong. Attachment to reaching that "click" arose, making the whole meditation experience into a contradiction (experiencing wanting to experience unwanting/letting-go). I can see that there is indeed freedom from this particular form of suffering. And I can see that what is necessary to see that freedom is strong mindfulness. Some of these mental habits are so deeply ingrained... It really does take practice to see them clearly. Entry: Resentment against concentration Date: Wed Feb 22 10:39:07 EST 2012 Stress is rising these days, and I have trouble concentrating on my work. I wonder if I can turn this piece of suffering ("Pff, I really can't focus on this stuff now, leave me alone.") into a meditation exercise. EDIT: I managed to get started but it was more of a desparate move than anything else. Sinking away into something.. Entry: Lost Date: Wed Feb 22 20:12:53 EST 2012 Totally lost in samsara.. Had a beer, browsing the intarwebs, and vanishing small attention span. From this side there seems to be no cure, just indulgence. Drinking that Duvel was a bonehead move. I was restless, now I'm dense too.. I had a sprint of motivation untill I found out about my reduced abilities, so couldn't do what I planned. Entry: Shallow Date: Sat Feb 25 08:41:08 EST 2012 Things have been more shallow last couple of days. I feel tranquil, at ease, but there seems to be no movement after that. Restlessness (re-observation?) passes quicker these days. There seems to be some basic insight that piercing through the fluff by just observing is the wise reaction. This almost always leads to tranquility and a broader view, but it really takes the awareness of the "all fluff" part to move on. Fear has been arising from time to time in ordinary life when there is a silent moment. Some sense of "being" that's different. As if I'm no longer in a movie, but really just observing without any history, as if my life story is just a dream, and the only thing I can trust is right in front of me. Scary. Waking up in the morning is hard still. Especially when there's stuff already going on in the house, I feel aversion. I do catch the aversion in most cases, but not deeply enough to see it pass until I'm fully awake. I've also been noting again on some occasions as this seems to be the area where I slack the most. The thing is that doing this in the style of MCTB indeed is a bit of a marathon. It does keep you firmly in the present though, and the tendency & desire to wander becomes very obvious this way. Maybe that's why it is so hard: it really eliminates the wandering which can feel quite pleasant if you're in a calm, open state. Entry: MCTB Date: Sat Feb 25 21:32:17 EST 2012 Strange day today. Been working a bit on an art project, hit some bumps. Got very quite exhausted and fed up, then this disgust seemed to continue during the day. Took a nap, still the same.. Might be meditation-related then as it really seems to come out of nowhere (except for the strong attachment to the work that's tiring me out). Reading MCTB again, page 204: The Progress of Insight[1]. The first vipassana jhana is about building up the basic skills of what is a physical sensation, what is a mental sensation, how they relate, and what the Three Characteristics feel like in practice. The Arising and Passing away is about seeing this very clearly and profoundly for the object of meditation. The Dark Night is about these insights then coming around to the background and seeing more complex emotional and psychological constructs of mental and physical sensations as they are. The fourth vipassana jhana, meaning this stage, is about seeing the true nature of even more complex, inclusive, subtle and fundamental things, like space, awareness, investigation, wonder, expectation, anticipation, peace, ease, questioning, and those sorts of things in ways that cut through the center and include the whole background and foreground as well. About equanimity: The arising of some sort of fear of madness and death is not uncommon at this stage, ... [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB%2011.%20Equanimity Entry: Last week Date: Fri Mar 2 14:29:47 EST 2012 Looks like I didn't write anything down. Last week was uneventful, apart from the walking meditation session @ the Lansing meeting hosted by Dan: an interesting experience; so much richness that you usually don't see. The rest was attempting to see the background. I'm trying to be aware of being tired, depleted after a day of work. It feels like my brain is on fire. Instead of "flatness" what I would expect, there seems to be a violent fire of not fully formed ideas & images coming and going at a very fast pace. It feels more like "pre-ideas". Activations without "snap" into well-formed image. I've also been watching a lecture series[1] by Michael Gazzaniga which was quite interesting. Especiall the middle lecture about the "Interpreter" is quite interesting. See for yourself! I also re-watched Dan Ingram Talk at Cheetah House 3/3 on equanimity[2]. I'm still quite clueless about how the maps correspond to where I am with my practice, but at least the subtle awareness that is supposed to arise in the stage of equanimity starts to make sense to me, but I'm definitely not in a space where I can sit for a long time. Maybe my head is in the dark night and my tail somewhere in early equanimity? One of the things that started to make sense is "watching concentration" or watching the inability to concentrate, or the absence of wonder and interest. Thinking of this, watching the presence of wonder and concentration is still quite hard. Maybe I m not quite there yet.. ( EDIT: Reading that again it sounds more like a description of dissolution. ) Apart from wondering about equanimity, just as the week before I've been using the question "how exactly do I know that this sensation is undesirable" when faced with aversion. Duality becomes more clear at least when I snap out of it and start watching, both in positive and negative emotional states. [1] http://www.ed.ac.uk/news/all-news/gifford-071009 [2] http://vimeo.com/28182481 Entry: Can't do it Date: Fri Mar 2 14:51:13 EST 2012 I'm starting to get interested in the feeling of "I can't do this", as it arises in daily life when being forced to do a difficult task when there is no natural tendency to problem-solving. ( Which I do experience often as it is basically what I do and like. ) I'm starting to suspect that in many cases this is really more resentment and boredom than anything else. Resentment about being forced to concentrate on something that isn't worth the pain. Its interesting how the pain involved in mental effort sometimes is really invisible and completely overshadowed by the "need to know". One fact seems to be that at some points intelligence (the ability to understand something clearly) diminishes with fatigue. However, it never goes away completely: even if I feel I can't do anything, if something interesting pops up I'm immediately back on track. Somehow it seems that the last part of the downward spiral of tiredness is a feedback loop: because of resentment more energy is burned in worrying about not being able to work or work fast enough. Entry: On remembering advice Date: Fri Mar 2 15:53:34 EST 2012 The advice being: "there is something in your sensate field that you're ignoring". The context: inability to open up in Metta practice. I can experience the feeling of not being able to open up quite directly, however the thing that I'm ignoring is usually quite hard to find. Actually I have both experiences. Sometimes just the act of sitting down on the cushion can immediately pinpoint what exactly is going on, however in most cases it takes some patience. Once I gain awareness of the situation and then awareness of this particular advice I gain some direction and usually I find some form of clenching that, when observed, releases in a very natural way. I've realized that 1) being aware that you are stuck when you are stuck - braking the cycle - is a big challenge, and 2) the act of remembering the advice about what to do in this situation isn't a conscious thing you can control! It either pops up and lets you take a step back, or it doesn't and leaves you running in circles. Fascinating how this al works. Entry: Observing the effects of alcohol Date: Fri Mar 2 20:56:13 EST 2012 ( EDIT: I rarely drink alcohol in the U.S. but preparing going to Belgium for a visit I feel some urge to "get back into the mood". One of my impressions of the U.S. is that alcoholism seems to be much more of a problem here. I had the same impression of the U.K. Many people I meet here have a history of overconsumption and switched to not drinking at all. At home things seem to be different, more moderate. Alcohol is much more part of daily life, but there are more social rules and boundaries. Going too far and loosing control or behaving impolitely is not appreciated. I actually chanced into an interesting article about this topic recently [1]. ) There is a deep feeling of freedom when being intoxicated, at least in the early stages. It also brings back memories of other times spent in the same state. Something that doesn't seem nearly as romantic in the aftermath of sweating out the poison.. It is strange that this affinity towards those states is not there when the drug wears out. And from memory I know this doesn't last long. Even while drinking there is a point where impairment wins out over enthousiasm. I don't want to use the word illusion because the experience is as real as it gets. The early stages of intoxication are truly uplifting, energizing, motivating, relaxing, focusing, even cleansing. There is also a feeling of "no problem". The complexities of life seem to vanish, which is one of its greatest qualities. Also from experience, but being in the initial "rush". The first stage feels so good that one is inclined to keep drinking. Though that quickly wears out. Ping... First sign of wear-out. I think about an hour after starting my first glass. It's a strange feeling of the "real world" piercing through. It's some kind of desire to be able to think clearly while this is no longer possible. It's is predominated by a feeling that this intoxication business is really just an illusion, i.e. fake. That doesn't seem to be the case though. (from very recent memory) The first stage really feels authentic, so it must be some kind of chemical balance that shifts after an hour or so, going down the drain. It goes from feeling "real, but different" to feeling like you've just been scammed. From memory I recognize that moment, but I didn't recall it was so sudden and so definitive. Regret is starting too. Social awareness is starting too. "I shouldn't be doing this." Regret. Thirst ;) Really, a deeper physical feeling of thirst. Not like (from memory) desire and appreciation for the feeling of the beer going over the lips into the throat. Granted, that still feels good but the prime motivation of actually drinking that glass seems to have shifted to thirst. Vipassana binge. Hilarious. Laughter. Silliness is starting to set in. And fear that this experiment will soon lose its driver. Laughter again. Appreciation of absurdities. Looking up the link[1] below. In parallel while googling, starting to realize that I didn't really start this as an experiment until after I had my first couple of sips and started to get into the exiting part of the trip. I was actually learning some new programming tricks for a couple of minutes before. Confusion. Starting to do multiple things at once, getting easily distracted. Starting to mix up words in google searches. First realization that I need to stop. I had about 1/4 gallon. I'm not sure about the strength of this beer though, it doesn't say. It's maybe slightly more than pilsener but not much. It's an ale. A 1/4, That's 4 Belgian pintjes. Makes sense, that's what I remember being the border between just going out for a little drink (spreading it out over a bit more time than I just did) and starting on a binge. Found the link[1]. Re-appreciation for reality. From memory I know that stopping and jently coming down does leave you in a bit of an intoxicated state, but with more of a natural feel. From experience this is the state that does most damage because it's quite insidious. Things feel normal but you are stuck with an altered personality: lack of judgement and empathy and a lot of short-sightedness. It's hard to see that directly though. It really feels normal; only the memory is there to tell you that it isn't, that you might have acted or decided differently on other occasions. 15 more minutes passed. I'm done with this. I definitely don't want to get drunk. Yawning. Time to go to bed and vegitate. I suppose my meditation today isn't going to be easy. Probably better wait a bit until this wears out because concentrating is not something I'm able to do right now. Of course, the obligatory email writing frenzy is starting. I find this one of the interesting properties of alcohol, and it seems to be happening later in the trip when things feel more normal: ease of social interaction. Ease of crossing bordersb with a fealing of authenticity that is otherwise hard to come by. Maybe this whole ordeal isn't so bad at all as long as you're able to keep it within bounds. There is definitely a point of loosing it ... ( Thirst. Getting some water. ) ... when you go too far, but the altered perspective is worth it. Even if it all seems naive after sobering up. Maybe that's what ordinary life needs more of. Naïveté. [1] http://www.gladwell.com/2010/2010_02_15_a_drinking.html Entry: Follow up Date: Sat Mar 3 11:13:31 EST 2012 Had a very good night of sleep. Yesterday night's experiment was interesting. I'm glad I still know where to stop though, but after all it's quite a limiting perspective being at the other side of it again. Alcohol narrows your view, and it definitely takes away awareness of some of the social complexities daily life is fraught with. Feeling good today. Just doodling I'm starting to see that I'm working too hard. Not enough play. Glad some time off is coming up. EDIT: Starting the 2nd half of that keg; finishing it before it goes rotten. I don't feel the initial excitement from yesterday. Feel mostly flat. EDIT: Morning after. Yesterday seemed different. It's striking that the 2nd day it already becomes "normal". I could definitely feel the desire for alcohol coming up in the late afternoon. This stuff is definitely addictive. The feeling of flatness continued until I went to bed. Had some panic attacks waking up, mostly centered around work stress. It felt like that open space I've been feeling lately and also in my afternoon meditation was completely gone. Conclusion, which I already knew: alcohol is OK as long as you can resist drinking too much. However it is hard to remember the bad feeling of the downhill if you haven't experienced it for a while. The memory of the good uphill part seems to last a lot longer, taking away the resistance to give in to indulgement. Maybe an interesting experiment is to note the effects of caffeine and make a report of my usual morning experience. Entry: Today Date: Sun Mar 4 21:07:30 EST 2012 I think I had a bit of a hangover. The tiredness at around 8pm gave a very nice sit though, I think more of a concentration feel. The thinking part is kind of numb from the slight hangover and concentration-work today, so this makes it easier to just let thoughts go; they seem to be only fragments. Might try some meditation when really tired. Though I already noticed that tired + disgruntled about stil being up is a hard combination to crack. I'm attempting to focus more on the background, the watcher. Space has become more apparent. The whole sensate field feels more coherent. A strange impression arises that "I've seen all this before". Especially when I was a kid, say 9-10 y/o, watching the clock at my grandma's while lying down on the couch. My early day however was soaked in resentment. Hard to be mindful when reality hits you in the face with too many things at once. That particular feeling of being overwhelmed seems to be triggering the spiral a lot. Might be good to train to catch it. My impression was that the early part of the hangover decreased awareness and launches you straight into storyland. Overall from these 2 days of consuming alcohol I had quite a bad experience, mostly from the day after. The only thing good, really was the initial ramp-up on the first night. Entry: Anxiety Date: Thu Mar 8 09:21:50 EST 2012 Experiencing fear without anything to latch on to. Headless fear, mostly harmless when noticed. Entry: Back in Belgium Date: Tue Mar 13 02:25:57 CET 2012 Started again formally yesterday, 20 mins. For the days before that I did what I could here and there. On the plane it didn't really work. I'm not sure why. I got in this state of reduced clarity that was actually quite nice. Just floating, reading a book. I did watch dissatisfaction after a while; sitting there squeezed in my seat with all the other people squeezed in theirs. Today was a busy day for the busy day, fixing some things that don't need too much thinking. Also nice, but time to come down from it. 30 mins. This one went deeper. Ended in deep concentration, with time apparently moving faster as usual when watching the clock. Some sadness that lead to tears. A transation from chaos to calm somewhere, again after noticing and using the "all fluff" technique; taking the chaos as is instead of resisting, which makes it pass. Before that I had some restlessness in middle 10 minutes. The first ten minutes took me from being absorbed in life to being in a calm place. Entry: Identifying with intelligence Date: Wed Mar 14 20:26:20 CET 2012 "Wit" is something weird. It's not always there. In my whole life I've always had the impression of being quite intelligent, but at the same time, also fairly naive and insecure. I've come to look at this as if the intelligence (and it's close companion curiosity) is sometimes just not "switched on". That part of my brain that looks for connections and finds them in flashes is easily washed away by strong emotions like fear or anger, or even resentment (boredom), and in times like this when I'm experiencing the symptoms of a common cold. But to come to the wisdom part: I've always identified with being smart. Then if it's just not working for some reason, I feel as if I'm not myself, or more strongly, as if I'm failing, falling short. I feel miserable when I have a cold, and it starts to dawn on me that this is really mostly because I can't think straight and I get angry about this fact: some cycle of blame and not living up to that self image starts to go on a roll. Entry: The interpreter Date: Wed Mar 14 21:31:39 EDT 2012 Suggestion, the interpreter and paths. One of the things that is so intriguing in meditation practice is the interplay of experience and story. The eventual goal being to somewhat eliminate story and end up in pure experience, but the way to get to that point is by incorporating techniques and practices that can only be communicated through story and before actually experienced, need to somehow be described in words to make it all make sense. What I find so interesting is that in experimental psychology, that story is not taken as seriously as what can be measured. Recent neurologic research seems to indicate there is a module in the brain that actually does all this post-hoc interpretation of facts, and it's often wrong. I'm a bit sick still so the point might be not so clearly articulated, but what I'm getting at is: what would be the right way to study experience and meditation practice such as it is described in the story surrounding buddhism, without relying too much on this fuzzy module? Entry: Cold & partial awareness Date: Wed Mar 14 21:58:26 EDT 2012 I just experienced "waking up" from the dull state that goes together with peak symptoms of a common cold. It's a wonderful feeling of "getting my wit back". As described in a previous post, it seems I can get quite averse to feeling dull, almost to a point of panic that wit might never come back again! We are such situational beings.. So it came back. Curiosity came back. Entry: Taking breaks Date: Fri Mar 16 01:56:28 CET 2012 Sometimes just letting go of a forced focus can be enough to find an out-of-the-box solution. It happened to me again today, working for a long stretch, then realizing it was time for a break. Just walking out of the room in the mind set of "I'm on a break" was enough for some solution to pop up through a channel that seemed to have been blocked by my forcing a particular way of looking at the problem. Seems that freedom and creativity go hand in hand, and frustration and dullness also. The thing is that it doesn't work when you take a break, but not really take a break, i.e. not let go of the mental clinging to the problem, or more specifically to the frustration of not finding a solution. It's really about letting go, free-floating that lets background thinking emerge. Entry: Good sit Date: Thu Mar 22 00:20:27 CET 2012 Had a 50 minute sit yesterday. Had to break it off a couple of minutes before the hour mark because it started to feel pointless. i had been struggling a lot in that sit. Got some spiralling thing going on in daily life. Lots of turbulence until I realized the "it's all fluff" idea. This didn't actually move me forward until some kind of perspective shift happens, which landed me into a feeling of peace after accepting the reality of now. I felt cleansed after the sit. I could "just lie down" on the bed afterwards, not being driven to mindlessly browse the internet. I have a feeling of being back on track, though today I didn't sit yet. Was reading dharma overground about Florian's awakening[1]. I feel as if the time I've been here back in Belgium have been in a bit of a haze. There was jet lag, some acute common cold attack and some drinking and all of them took away alertness. The other one[2] is also nice. Some funny quote: I've joked to some friends that there seems to be something built into reality which instantly renders any conceptualization of truth as gibberish. [1] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2057150 [2] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2691213 Entry: Fear of knowing Date: Thu Mar 22 01:34:22 CET 2012 Today's "show me what I need to see" resolution brought this up: Afraid of looking. Fear of knowing. Desire for ignorance. Entry: Emotional turbulence Date: Sat Mar 24 21:37:17 CET 2012 Lots of crisis around me. Lots of suffering. Some identification with the emotions. Some strange mix of aversion and compassion. Strange sit. I feel quite out of it in general. I'm experiencing a strange pull towards sitting. I might be using it as an escape. After reading Florian's post (see previous entries and [1]) I think something switched about the story of meditation itself. The main poin in that thread is about the seeker not getting what is sought, and the whole seek thing dissolving into irrelevance. [1] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2691213 Entry: More weirdness Date: Sun Mar 25 13:39:10 CEST 2012 Could be too much stimulation in the last couple of days. If there's anything on the MCTB path that rings a bell it's "disgust". I'm terribly unhappy with how the world works, and I want my illusion back. Entry: Response to Fear of knowing Date: Sun Mar 25 13:59:16 CEST 2012 Feeling more rational ATM, or should I say more attached to the presumed correctness of my rational world-modeling ;) Remembering from [1]. What happened here was interesting. I interpret it as a residual fear coming from early religious indoctrination, i.e fear coming from the "God knows what you're thinking" idea and the subsequent attempt to control thinking, to not go into "bad stuff". The fear that comes with "shouldn't be thinking about that" is still presents itself from time to time. Anyway, what I want to talk about is intention. It's a strange thing, but it seems to be important somehow in guiding/priming subjective experience. MCTB mentions making "strong resolutions" from time to time. [1] entry://20120325-133910 Entry: Overwhelmed Date: Sun Mar 25 14:17:10 CEST 2012 This log is moving from a sit log to a moment-to-moment introspection log. What does the feeling of being overwhelmed by emotions feel like? Some characteristics: It kills motivation and curiosity. This seems most obvious. Too much stuff going on around me and I collapse into a state of depression. Usually not chronic as there are things that can lift me out of it, i.e. some positive emotion or a thought that pops up, triggering curiosity. Closely investigating this state of depression itself usually exposes attachment, i.e. clinging to an image of an idealized, worry-free life that I might have had if I had taken some different routes. Maybe by definition, but being overwhelmed is hard to overcome. It presents itself as a distinct sensation: a wave of things coming at me, pressing me down, making me give up. Maybe it is interesting to learn more about this sensation itself? How exactly do I know that I'm being washed over? Can the hopelessness be pierced to see what is actually expected or hoped for? Hopelessness is blinding: there is just the feeling of not getting what is desired without any clear feeling of why the desire is there in the first place. Engaging a state of depression does take a lot of courage. It's also not an instant fix; it takes time to peel the onion, and the first layers are guaranteed to feel like crap. Entry: Daniel on Powers Date: Sun Mar 25 20:25:06 CEST 2012 Some interview with Ingram[1] and some discussin about powers[2]. [1] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2008/02/bg-061-buddhist-magic-what-is-possible-with-the-powers/ [2] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/517647 Entry: Curiosity Date: Mon Mar 26 11:49:03 CEST 2012 Waking up, I want to go back to sleep. My morning routine is to get some coffee and maybe some bite to eat but please leave me alone and let me wander around. It's often almost impossible to imagine that I take joy in thinking about something until it just happens. Actually, I don't take joy in thinking. Mental effort is painful. It's only *finding* something that's joyful. As long as the finding happens with a high enough frequency, the process of continuing effort can be sustained. Let's dissect a bit more. Easy problems are boring: finding a solution isn't such a big deal as it's expected. There is no reward, only effort of kicking the brain into higher gear. Sometimes just getting to a certain kind of context can be the same effort for a supposedly simple problem than for a difficult one. Difficult problems are too painful: there is lots of processing required that goes on in the background while consciousness is drowning in confusion, loosing all hope there is ever going to be an end to it. It's said that confusion is good; an impetus for your brain to work harder. It feels like crap though. Then there is the sweet spot in the middle: those kinds of problems that can get you into a flow, where there is seemingly no effort. Brain automatically latches on to them and starts hacking away. In these cases curiosity is always there. Entry: Facing noon Date: Mon Mar 26 13:47:55 CEST 2012 20 minute sit at noon, when it usually is quite difficult. Started with a lot of restlessness, moved through pain while sitting, changed pillow then started to focus on the observer, the border between self and world. Observed 2 different states and a strange transition between them. Going from clear presence of self (in the form of rumination, worry, disappointment with current state of affairs of the daily life) to an absence of these things. Crossing that border a couple of times. I'm going to call this state no-self as that's what it seems to be. Not sure if it corresponds to what this usually refers to. It feels like a disinterest in rumination. Simply not interested. After about 15 minutes I had an insight, hard to describe, and writing about it now probably fills in some gaps with story so I'm not going to. It was accompanied by a warm, radiating feeling from just below my heart (center of chest where the rib case ends. After that a jolt of fear ("What's happening?") and a bit of disorientation. It seems that actively looking for permanent self (that which is supposed to be not there) seems to expose some of the elements it is made out of, like thoughts of possession. Wanting things a certain way so they can be put in a special box called "me". All of this is accompanied by a deep sense of relief, and a feeling that I didn't do anything except for looking in a certain direction to trigger a trap door. When I'm writing this I wonder if I'm now totally deluding myself, since this sounds so much like stories I've read before. Though I did not experience anything like a fruition, cessation. EDIT: 30 minutes later the first signs of duality appear again, caused by some aversion for a particular task and rumination. EDIT: A couple of hours later. After going into the real world for a bit I was cast into duality and reactivity again pretty abrubtly. My mood is pretty good overall though. Entry: Kenneth Folk @ buddhist geeks Date: Tue Mar 27 11:18:23 CEST 2012 1st Gear: When things become difficult, switch to mindfulness of the body. 2nd Gear: Turn the attention to the watcher 3rd Gear: Recognize the essential nature of mind, this moment is perfect as it is. Start in third gear and downshift. 2 Modes of the mind: experiential focus vs. narrative focus. Following through to [1]: 2nd gear is looking at the no-dog. The trans-personal I. The part of I that doesn't have a stake in whether it lives or dies. Then some more [3]. One of the observations Kenneth is mentionins comes back over and over in dharma talks: allow the mind to see things clearly by paying attention in a very directed way, pointed at the next layer to peal off, and it will figure out how to let go of it; no longer do the thing that causes suffering. The process is automatic, cannot be forced and follows directly and only from seeing clearly. While this idea gets old, I find sometimes it needs to be restated in different ways (by different people!) to bring the point home again. It really is that simple. The difficult part is knowing where to look and distinguishing clear seeing from delusion and scripting. Another thing Kenneth mentions in the [3] series is something he got from his teacher Bill Hamilton: people expect a pot of gold when attaining stream entry, but it's more like one has been picking up gold coins all the way, and stream entry gives you an empty pot to put them in, hold them together. [1] http://kennethfolkdharma.com/2012/02/enlightenment-for-the-rest-of-us-the-buddhist-geeks-conference/ [2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=wCV4MBuW3Y8#! [3] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqYUNHrLFq0 Entry: Is meditation eliminating looping? Date: Tue Mar 27 14:21:22 CEST 2012 When talking about formal languages (i.e. logic, mathematics) there is always a problem when loops are involved. What I find funny (as a far-stretched analogy) is that this seems to be what is happening in meditation: eliminating self-reference is what leads to happiness, just like in math! Maybe the idea that we know ourselves is keeping us from making artificial intelligence. Does an AI really need an I? The answer is probably no, just like we don't. The I is mental virus that detests itself (paraphrased from 5/6 in the series [1]). Or Kenneth from [1]: "This looping thing that the mind does where it tries to be subject and object at the same time." ( Is "funny" just surprise at patterns that happen out of context? ) EDIT: Maybe this is actually a lot deeper than I first thought[2]. A mind can't think about itself. It can only think about an abstraction of itself. There is no cycle. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gqYUNHrLFq0 [2] http://xkcd.com/1046/ Entry: Equanimity? Date: Tue Mar 27 21:37:22 CEST 2012 Nice sit, 45 minutes. Started out a bit tired and a lot of wandering for 5 minutes, so I decided to go the concentration route first. This worked well. After about 10 minutes I was in a very quiet state so I turned attention to the current moment, then continued vipassana for 30 minutes. Turned my attention to background fear and restlessness. I ended up observing a mental construct consissting of fear of future regret, which sounds a bit like insecurity, and a recognition of patterns of active suppression of thoughts and feelings regarding fear of possible undesirable future events. Lots of content. Then my memory is failing me. I remember trying to deconstruct this architected mess of self-referencing and ending up at a dissipation for the thoughts. The loop in itself does not have a foothold, and there was a point where all future unfolding seemed OK. The insight is that thinking about future suffering ignores the fact that the future will some day be the present, with a present being that takes in that future now. The realization that if I can live in the current now, I can probably also live in the future now. In this view, fear of dying is quite absurd. There is only fear of future suffering before dying. Fear of unsatisfactoriness that, given the correct action now, might be avoided. This whole construction completely falls down once you start looking at its foundations. When I finally settled down to look at the now, some waves of bliss came over me that where at the same time very liberating (like letting go and feeling the wind) and also subtly fearful. It seems that I see now more clearly a form of "holding on" that I didn't notice before. Hard to identify what exactly it is. From experience I know that if I can actually see it, the mind will let go of it. Those moments where so empty of anything that it felt scary. I actually felt like I was letting go of something just to test the waters and then quickly grasping it again. During the sit I noted a lot of confusion. Real actual confusion like I experience it during work quite often: not being able to integrate certain sensations and having to let them go. I also realized that this is something that I usually identify with, or anti-identify: confusion is not me, it's temporarily loss of controll I'd like to sweep under the carpet. It feels scary when I'm identified with being clear. Actually it's strange that I identify so strongly with clarity while confusion is really my most prominent state, even when working. Maybe most of my procrastination is actually just fear of confusion? Is confusion really that scary? Confusion feels like floatig a boat on a turbulent stream. Sometimes head goes under and stuff falls off the boat. It's a bit of a hopeless situation: have to hang in there until it passes. Entry: Procrastionation Date: Tue Mar 27 22:01:59 CEST 2012 Is the avoidance that happens in procrastination just a means to cope with fear of confusion? Is confusion really that scary? Thinking in itself isn't such a big deal if it "goes as planned". It can be quite pleasant. The trouble is probably more that thinking and problem solving is really not so controllable as we might think it is. There is fear for the pain of confusion and the suffering it creates. There is fear for the pain and suffering created by forcing attention to look at a certain detail while the storm of confusion is raging. Entry: Blip Date: Mon Apr 2 01:08:59 CEST 2012 30 minute sit. Difficult. Lots of distraction. Last 10 minutes where better after piercing through the chaos. I went through pain, concentration, noticed sadness (misery?) and confusion (reobservation?). Went to equanimity and fell back spiralling on anticipation of stopping 3 minutes before end. Then started reading[2] and got very quiet and happy, fell back to jitteryness when following up on an impulse, observed that feeling until it passed and then read more. I experienced a blip after reading the following from [1] and focussing on awareness being aware of awareness happening: First. Imagine what it would be like to be dead (assuming no afterlife). Imagine what it would be like for there to be no experience happening at all. Now - notice how there is an experience occurring. Also notice that it isn't happening for anyone in particular but is just a field of experience. Notice that there is a knowing that there is an experience occurring. That the experience is bright and vivid and known. Part of this experience is the knowing that there is an experience occurring. In other words, awareness is aware of itself. Let that really sink in. Notice how there is no effort required to be aware. It felt a bit like a sneeze. A brain sneeze.. There was a buildup, a little fear and an uncontrollable blip. Feel calm and awake now. [1] http://delicious.com/redirect?url=http%3A//kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/4780049/Recognizing%2Brigpa [2] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/10/yogi-experiment-riding-wave.html Entry: Day after Date: Mon Apr 2 21:23:41 CEST 2012 Feel a bit sick today. Didn't sleep well yesterday. Definitely some duality today. I did get over procrastination easier. I don't really feel like someting changed yesterday. I felt another one of those blips, a bit lesser, this morning. Probably related to illness. Entry: Still sick Date: Tue Apr 3 11:58:20 CEST 2012 Didn't do sitting meditation. Did practice laying in bed, observing altered consciousness. I feel frustration about life in general but it hasn't taken me on a ride yet. That seems to be a bit different. Entry: Interpretation Date: Thu Apr 5 09:32:20 CEST 2012 The question is of course whether the blip was a fruition or not. First, I'm trying to follow advice and not worry about it too much. It has become more clear to me that paying attention is what it is about, not naming things. There's always this defeating interpretation that gets in the way of real insight. Also, I'm still sick so have a bit of altered perception anyway, so I try to take everything with a grain of salt. Nontheless, some things have been different lately, say last 2 weeks, with a little dip last friday. One is a greater resilience to stress, and not taking myself too serious or worrying about making mistakes at work. Friday I could see myself behaving reactionary, and not being able to help it, but also not getting completely lost it in. For the rest I've been very much in the moment, not giving in to aversion so much. Yesterday's sit, 25 minutes. Had to bail out because of pain in my knee. It's already a bit messed up so I'm not going to macho that out.. First and last part where very quiet. First part almost asleep. Maybe not really insight practice. Middle part had some confusion which then resolved into equanimity. There is clarity, and hunting for the observer produces strange mind states. At times, I clearly see some "background me" as a non-penetrated bunch of thoughts not clearly perceived as a succession of sensations, more like a blob or a stream. It's the me that wants to do be done with this meditation already, sort of waiting it out to do the wandering thing afterwards.. I.e. the "story of my life". When I do see this, it drops away into a more pure awareness, and almost always this comes with a little jolt of fear and things flipping upside down. Feels like fear to let go of the very last foothold of that story of me. The other side of that feels wide open and beatiful, timeless. So I think I've seen selflessness, but it's not a stable state. It comes and goes. It might be a samatha jhana also. I don't see it clearly. Entry: Please, please, distract me! Date: Sat Apr 7 20:47:39 CEST 2012 Keeping on track with work mostly last couple of days, but today I got distracted (and found many beautiful things, so it was worth it). However it leaves me in a state of confion. Actually I had to walk out of the living room to be away from the TV, only to start link chasing on the internet. All better than going to the task at hand. From being annoyed by this phenomenon for about - what... - my entire life, I start to find it really interesting. Also during meditation, the "piercing" of aversion or avoidance behaviour tends to lead to different states of awareness. As if this piercings makes a weight shift. Things are different when you're able to let go of boredom. Yes, boredom is just aversion, judgement. There are so many things that are interesting when this tendency to get bored can be switched of, or at least, be seen for what it is. Maybe just like love/hate there is a state corresponding to interest/boredom that sort of transcends the polarity and gives a certain equanimity and space to it? Entry: Yesterday's sit Date: Sat Apr 7 20:54:26 CEST 2012 From memory... and mostly interpretation. Ended in deep equanimity, before that pierced through confusion (re-observation?) and I think one of the dark night trips like fear or sadness. Probably sadness. Before that I had a narrow but calm state and before that had to concentrate hard to get to some form of effortlessness. What I interpret there are some things that become more clear, which I think is the difference between the transition from 3->4 (from the three characteristics to the arising and passing away) and 10->11 (from reobservation to equanimity). I think I saw both in one sitting. The transition is similar: from uncomfortable to comfortable, from forced conentration to effortlessness, but in the former the focus is narow, while in the latter is is very broad. Even for reobservation, the confusion is simply everywhere: everything is wrong! So now the thing that becomes more difficult to answer: am I just parroting MCTB? Because this starts to look really a lot like things Daniel describes. Did I really see these things or am I solidifying them? Anyway, what struck me is the fractal nature: both 3->5 and 10->11 go from chaos to order, but the extent of awareness is very different. Entry: Relapse Date: Sun Apr 8 21:28:43 CEST 2012 Experiencing a relapse. Started around dinner tonight, after some tension that didn't directly involve me but did install a certain mood and aversion, desire.. Started feeling restless, out-of-sync. A feeling of not understanding what's going on. Last 2 weeks where so quiet and happy. I'm going to face it in a 30 minute sit now. Woa it starts to get hard to describe.. The fluff broke after 3.5 minutes on the cushon, then I started smiling. Noticed my attachement to the good feeling (I knew I could do it!) and moved on. Got very very deep. Thoughts that started circling where "give up all desire for attainment", "it's already there", ... I noticed that I'm missing some subtle line of self-story, some scripting, something that is "doing" the meditation. Looking at what that is makes it vanish instantly making me a bit dizzy. There are these very brief moments of "it's just this" but they are rare, and they still go with a jolt of fear and excitement, like "that's what I'm looking for!", "almost there!". Mostly there's some kind of loosing attention into just being. Hard to describe: there's a difference between looking at just being, i.e. observing the "justness" and just being. The former is directed, the latter is free-floating but without vipassana investigation. So I try to come back to the investigation, as that's supposed to make the most progress. Entry: Reborn into the moment Date: Sun Apr 8 23:35:46 CEST 2012 ( Yes I know, sorry for the choice of words ;) Pattern: doing something (usually reading), enjoying it, suddently I get bored. Bolt of aversion. Intercept it, observe it, it fades away into something I can only call confusion, some state of non-focus. Then a moment later wake up, able to continue enjoyment. This "moment of rebirth" is something I've never noticed before. It's the piercing through the aversion that seems to do this. Seeing the peak, and not letting it start a cascade. It seems that my brain is just not used to it. It feels a bit like WTF just happened? Hey dude, it's me, your self! Comon, join the party, get excited and all self-absorbed! And then not going with this causes a deep "thunk" and.. nothing :) Kidding aside (yeah I feel jolly these days, and I find this really funny -- wine probably helps a bit..) it's remarkable, and "rebirth" is the only word I can find that best covers what it feels like. Entry: Interesting HP posts Date: Mon Apr 9 01:57:12 CEST 2012 Nick's SE post[1] is quite a funny read. Following up to his noting practice post [2] brings up some interesting points: Within a few months of taking up noting, I began to reach the 11th nana of Equanimity of Formations in my daily sits. In my sporadic practice over the next couple of years, I would consistently get up into this stage. One day I re-read Daniel’s chapter on the 11th nana. In it, he mentions the mind “blinking out”. This is where there are the sensations of self or “I” presenting themselves to awareness in between other objects coming in contact with any of the six the sense doors. The sensations being misread as "I" create the sense of duality and separation. Yep, this corresponds pretty well to what I'm experiencing: blinking out, and not seeing clearly. Daniel Ingram says in his book, “One of the primary ways that the illusion of duality is maintained is that the mind partially “blinks out” for a part of each formation, the part it wants to section off to appear separate. In this way, there is insufficient clarity to see the interconnectedness and true nature of that part of reality, and a sense of a self is maintained. When the experience of formations arises, it comes out of a level of clarity that is so complete that this “blinking” can no longer easily occur. Thus, when formations become the dominant experience, even for short periods of time, very profound and liberating insight is close at hand. That is why there are systematic practices that train us to be very skilled in being aware of our whole mental and physical existence. The more we practice being aware of what happens, the less opportunities there are for blinking.” It now makes perfect sense. I've read this chapter several times but looks like I wasn't ready to understand this particular passage. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/06/yogis-journal-from-chronic-dark-night.html [2] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/yogi-toolbox-noting-part-1-nicks.html Entry: Three Characteristics Date: Mon Apr 9 21:41:43 CEST 2012 1. anicca impermanence veranderlijk 2. dukkha suffering pijnlijk 3. anatta no-self kernloos Entry: Equanimity & fallback Date: Tue Apr 10 00:14:27 CEST 2012 I'm in equanimity (stage 11) most of the time these days. Life really is pretty damn good at this stage. Had a wonderful time at the family reunion. Big gatherings like that usually make me at least a bit nervous. None of that today. Everything went exceptionally smooth. It felt different. A lot of anxiety simply isn't there any more. However, like described in everything I've read, the state isn't stable. I fell back about 20 minutes ago to a clear dukkha stage. Ruminations, worry, blame, resentment, hello! The obvious thing is the narrowing of view, from broad, open, inclusive to small and self-centered. I'm going to follow Daniel's advice and keep practicing. I think I just observed a small shift to equanimity and back, just by concentrating while writing this. Maybe I've nailed that transition? Stopped fearing it? Acknowledged that the state I'm in is not under my control, but that simply observing is the thing to do. Without judgement or attaching anything to the "bad" feelings. The first hard emotion that hit was fear (of consequence of negligence). Not my own negligence so there was blame too, and resentment. Felt "wrong" after being in equanimity for a while. A state I remember all so well spending lots of time in it the last couple of years. Earlier I had a sit trying to go a bit deeper. I'm reaching a creepy part. It's all starting to get pretty strange from here on. Ok, on to the sit. Interrupted the sit after 5 minutes. Was hard to focus but after a while I started finding the moment. Once there I started looking for what was different, what was the feeling, where was it? It was located at the top of my belly. Then I started smiling, and space opened up. This transition was wonderful: from closed, self-centered to wide open and broad. It was (as it has been in the last couple of days) accompanied by a feeling in my ears: some muscles are doing something, nothing under my conscious control. Entry: The maps Date: Tue Apr 10 00:46:59 CEST 2012 It seems to me that the maps only start making sense after reaching equanimity a couple of times. I never really knew where I was but now I feel pretty certain. If I look back, the only things that were clear were: - 1. mind & body -> 2. cause & effect - 4. a & p: narrow, effortless concentration, bliss + event - 5 - 10: dukkha: major suckage, hard to concentrate and clinging to the feelgood states - 11: wide open equanimity On my life in general, reaching cause & effect seems to have changed something in the way I react to things, being more aware of the domino effect. The threshold of jumping on the wagon has gradually gotten higher. While in equanimity, it still happens, and whenever it happens it seems to kick me back to dukkha. Dark night (dukkha stages) has effect too. Makes the fuse shorter. Equanimity has a serious effect too. Lots of openness. And it's not the same as the A&P brightness. Equanimity is less self-obsessed. This latter property I didn't see described anywhere explicitly but for me it's quite clear, since I usually am quite so.. Some other comments: - There's indeed a difference between stage and state. State is not long-lived. Stage is maybe best described as a long-lived state? The stages are only clear to me in very coarse form: pre dark night, dark night, equanimity. This corresponds a bit to the vipassana jhana classification and not the finer-grained njana. - Reaching equanimity and able to stay in it for days it looks like dark night is real and seriously different. I think I indeed spent a lot of time in that stage (10 years?) and probably did cross the A&P around that time, remember a feeling of fearlessness but also zeal and self-centeredness, strong attachment to story. See earlier posts. At this point I have no interest in self image or at least not nearly so much as before, and if I catch the habbit of self-profiling I'm annoyed by it. I can also care less about what people think. Though I do think that being confronted with some personal assault a fallback would probably put me back into a state of caring. ( Speculation is still part of my un-observed self apparently ;) So my point is that before equanimity it seems that the maps are not so necessary. As Daniel puts it in one of the Cheeta House videos: in the dark night it's pretty obvious what to work on. Indeed, it's all right in your face and the challenge is to keep looking at it until it's clearly observed and the next challenge presents itself. Peeling the onion. In equanimity it's not obvious and you do need some guidance. Something is hiding in plain sight, and a bit of guidance seems to be necessary here. Entry: Back in reobservation? Date: Tue Apr 10 11:53:08 CEST 2012 I think I woke up in reobservation today. Lots of resentment. It's not carrying me away so much but it's definitely there. Out-of-sync with things. EDIT: I don't think it's reobservation, at least not now (13:00). Maybe it was. It's more the intensity. Yesterday I had a couple of dips or blackouts during reclining meditation, and some pretty strange visual images - reminding me of drawings I've seen from people on LSD, strange and distorted caricatures of faces and animals, and they were all looking at me, as if they suddenly noticed me (a bit like that lizards scene in Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas ;) So I'm wondering if these are fruitions. I didn't have experiences like this before. They are new from the last week or so (see [1]). I had 3 of them in a row, a couple of seconds apart. The last one I remember to truly go "dark". As for afterglow, I don't know. It left me a bit confused, as in "was that it?". After it occured I don't notice much difference from deep equanimity. I was tired and a bit in a weird state (see visual hallucinations above). Oh, there was a certain fear I seemed to have pierced through by bravely watching it, which gave a small bliss wave after it dissolved. No need to go into detail, something that pops up from time to time. So I don't know if I'm scripting, but everything feels quite intense, which I recall being another property. EDIT: Maybe it is (15:15). I'm very restless atm. EDIT: Later (23:30), after doing some work, I got irritated a bit after some communication issues. Took me on a roll, briefly. Interrupted my sit. Should probably go back. [1] entry://20120402-010859 Entry: Snapping out of it Date: Mon Apr 16 07:45:20 EDT 2012 It starts to get more systematic to get out of a state which I'll label "self-pity". I do still need solitude to do this; there remains a strong correlation between contraction (re-inforcing of separateness) and being among people, essentially not getting what I want, or being confronted with opinions that evoke some reaction. What has become more clear over the last couple of weeks is the "blinking" mentioned in [1], meaning that I can see it happen after the fact, and sometimes can see it happening in real-time. For aversion this blinking seems to be quite strong: the sensations that follow aversion seem to re-enforce a mental tape loop about why something is "wrong". This is hard to explain.. Just like non-self thoughts where hard to see in the past, the self thoughts are even harder to see. Their interruption of noting activity is very subtle. When they are actually intercepted, preventing interruption of noting, they indeed create a broad feeling of freedom which I can describe as "obviously not interested in this kind of empty rumination" or "this is obviously fluff". Practically I'm getting caught by aversion towards having to perform urgent work to meet a deadline. The work in itself is actually quite interesting, and it seems that the aversion is more directed towards the difficulty of the task; it requires a lot of mental effort. I'm recovering from jet-lag, feeling tired, so performing any form of mental activity is a bit painful. At least to the point where I actually wake up enough, get activated enough, such that the process starts guiding itself. All in all, intercepting the blinking is a very strange experience. A lot has changed in my perception of things over the past months, but this tendency to re-inforce the self is still there, hiding in plain sight. It starts to make sense now that "self is empty". It's still a bit scary though, especially in moments where that self provides a strong reference point to hold on to. I realize that letting go of this is a key point. And that indeed it needs practice. Paying attention lets you take a glimpse, then next time you know where to look and see more, and so bit by bit attention gets more directed. Subtle stuff :) [1] entry://20120409-015712 Entry: The Watcher Date: Wed Apr 18 20:34:30 EDT 2012 I found an experience that clearly triggers a sense of self: to sit upstairs, looking out the window, creates a feeling of out-there (them, the world) and in-here (me, not in the world). I played with it a bit this morning, going from focusing on my experience of being in the room, where that feeling is much more subtle, to watching out the window, feeling "me" pop up. That deserves further investigation. Entry: Integration Date: Thu Apr 19 10:46:08 EDT 2012 Integration is hard. Back to life again after 5 weeks of quiet, and launched right into the habitual reaction patterns. It feels odd now getting angry, as if it's glaringly obvious that I'm missing something, but can't see what. As if I'm wielding an axe at an imaginary fiend. Without going into details, yesterday and today had some build-up of old stuff. Looking at it now after calming down, it is indeed quite obvious what these patterns are: attachments to "how it should be", "it's all so simple if you just listen to me", attachment to approval for fulfilling wishes, and to not being in conflict. From what I read yesterday (Florian's thread on psychopaths[1]) it's starting to get through to me that compassion and the cultivation of it is more essential than I first thought. Just insight is useless without an actual connection to the world. I should listen to Dan.. EDIT: It got worse. I'm not really aware of what it is that I want and am not getting, or that I get and do not want. Maybe it's more of the latter... I'm pretty good as I am, don't want more, but neither do i want THAT... I seem to be much more challenged by aversion than by desire. Why is that? Both are two sides of the same coin. Why is one side so strong? In other words, it's doable to watch things arise and pass when life is fun and games, but quite a challenge with much more provocation around. It doesn't even need conscious provocation, just presence of situation that triggers a kind of judgement or separation. [1] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2974740 Entry: Dukkha Date: Fri Apr 20 10:35:20 EDT 2012 Dissatisfaction, back in the dark night it seems. I'm going for a sit in a bit, but I can say that at this point my general state is "not OK". Things are clearly not how I want them to be. I'm resisting strongly my current situation. (Stuff: Some work I promised to finish that's not taking me into flow; is taking me into resentment instead.) I somehow "know" this is fluff, but I don't "see" it: it has bite. [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dukkha Entry: Sneezes Date: Fri Apr 20 10:44:07 EDT 2012 The "mental sneezes" keep happening. I'm starting to really wonder what they are. I don't think they are fruitions, since there is no sense of completion. Yesterday I went from suffering to letting go at some point and that's when one of these things happened again. Two days ago the same. It feels like something is about to happen, just like a sneeze coming op, followed by a muscular contraction (eyes, face, neck, sholders). Not very pleasant and kind of freaky. They don't really feel like a discontinuity either: things are pretty much like before, though it does interrupt things: the experience of the sneeze itself is like an ordinary sneeze: an uncontrollable contraction, a bit painful, followed by a relief of the tension from the buildup. This could also match A&P events, but so many? Why didn't I get them before? Unlikely, but if they are fruitions then it means I'm cycling, which could explain some of the ups & downs. I went from very unhappy to smiling contently about 10 minutes ago. Entry: Later, a shift. Date: Fri Apr 20 12:43:30 EDT 2012 Had a nice sit. Mostly equanimous but with a bit of background radiation: some queasy feeling in my solar plexus. I can't remember if anything happened, but I did feel a lot less restless. After sitting, some shift happened when reading "Saints and Psychopaths" by Bill Hamilton[1]. (There are other places to find it. Amazon price is a bit over the top.) Basically, I started laughing, right after a small interception of resentment and me talking out loud to myself, immediately followed by seeing the lack of substance of that sensation, where it shifted to the side and a deep sense of happiness and joy emerged. The idea of "getting the divine joke" emerged, as I heard explain somewhere on DhO. Very similar to the shift that happened in Belgium a couple of weeks ago. I'm assuming it's the dukkha njanas to equanimity shift. I guess the next thing to do is to look at this happiness and freedom, since it is easy to get attached to it. This morning I felt off (see previous post) but I had this idea in my head that I should not panic, and that I should not give into the torrent. This worked. Looking at the situation more clearly exposed some feelings of sadness, mostly sadness about not seeing that I was clinging. Sadness about hurting myself by not noticing the hanging on.. [1] http://www.amazon.com/Saints-Psychopaths-William-L-Hamilton/dp/0964490404 Entry: Weird.. Date: Sat Apr 21 21:11:23 EDT 2012 Strange sit. Very deep concentration. Started staring into some kind of void at some point. Blissfull with a lot of fear/anticipation. Some desire for attainment, some "yeah you're getting there". Hard to not be captured by it. I tried to keep noting and much of what I saw only existed for an instant. Sensations I can't describe well. Like bubbles of something. Lot's of things that triggered the thought "I won't be able to capture all this in words later.." What permeates the whole experience was a sensation of beauty. Deep and all encompassing beauty. Entry: Dukkha Date: Mon Apr 23 19:48:30 EDT 2012 Anger, hate, sadness, disgust, strong aversion, (near) inability to see the background of "todo, after meditating". Might be work today, which was a bit of a hell. Lots of aversion. Entry: DhO stuff Date: Mon Apr 23 22:03:29 EDT 2012 From [1]: If all goes well this will happen effortlessly and your whole field of reality will start to feel wobbly. The first couple of times you will get excited and it wont go through. But eventually you should get stream entry. ... And I would try to observe the observer with a high frequency of noting. The process of observing the sensations allowed them to be seen as not me, not 'the observer'. I think I've experienced this "wobbly" part, and also the excitement that makes it go away again. For me it works a bit different. Watch watch.. until there is a sensation of watcher, always in the past as it always takes front stage, then try to backtrack in memory and fading sensations and try to see where that came from. The "echo of the ego" or something. [1] http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2963820 Entry: Transition to equanimity Date: Mon Apr 23 22:14:47 EDT 2012 It seems that zooming in to the background doesn't really work until one is actually stable in Equanimity. If there is any non-noticed unsatisfactoryness left over from the dukkha stage, the space will not open up. If there's "stuff", it needs to be identified and let go of first. Entry: Deep Date: Wed Apr 25 13:20:06 EDT 2012 Yesterday I had another sit full of new experiences. Started out with some lingering daily life frustration, there was a transition into (probably) equanimity while the "bad" feelings where still in the background. This was new. I was able to follow the physical sensations associated with basically anger for a couple of minutes. What was new was that these "bad" feelings where OK, and actually beautiful in themselves. Quite a strange experience! After the "bad" feelings disappeared, a deep sense of stillness and peace arose. Very very deep. I tried to observe this peace and also using a "how do I know it's peaceful/still/.." method and something seemed to shift. Then I got greedy, spinning a story of attainment and the whole thing sort of collapsed. Interpretation: seems that "bad" sensations that are not necessarily caused by the meditation itself don't necessarily go away after observing and acknowledging them. Makes me think of the idea mentioned by Daniel on DhO that there's some biological limit to how fast emotions can pass through your system. Entry: Sensation and mental representation Date: Wed Apr 25 13:35:40 EDT 2012 Yesterday's experience has shed a new light on the issue of experiencing physical sensation vs. mental impression. More concretely, in the equanimous/peaceful/wide-open state it is easer to see the sensations of anger (butterflies, muscular contraction mostly centered around stomach, and muscular "readyness" over the whole body) and the mental impression ("I am angry"), in the sense that the latter didn't really arise, or at least not that strongly or only in the form of subtle noting. Anger is quite interesting, isn't it? Because it's so mobilizing, it can be quite a surprise to find yourself being angry, noticing it - breaking the cycle while being pumped up, and having the anger deflate. Anger by itself relies very much on bying into it, feeding it. Not feeding it feels awkward in the come-down, but powerful after that, i.e. when regaining control. Entry: De-focusing Date: Wed Apr 25 19:57:30 EDT 2012 I like Nikolai's writing style[1]. Follow pointers, there are a lot of interesting articles linked. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/04/yogi-experiment-when-in-midst-of-misery.html Entry: Another interesting sit Date: Thu Apr 26 16:50:29 EDT 2012 From memory, yesterday night. This time it's hard to separate phenomenology from story, because I started out thinking I was in A&P because of calm, confident mood, thinking that I would need to wade through the dark night stages to get into equanimity. And this is exactly what happened: Started confident OK, effortless sitting (A&P). Things starting to fall apart, only able to see the end of things, like trying to grab a fish in a bucket and it slipping from your hands (Dissolution). Then the realisation "next comes fear" and yep, it arrived. Immediately followed by misery. I think I felt some disgust too, and it was linked to something from my daily life, not necessarily practice. And after a bit of mixup of those (re-observation) I landed in Equanimity: wide open space. Followed up by observing the back of my head and some other suggestions from Nikolai's posts on THP. Awareness during the day goes deeper these days. Especially the morning resentment is more easily pierced, moving from "woe me" to observing sensations more quickly after getting up. Entry: Mindfulness Date: Thu Apr 26 21:02:27 EDT 2012 It's starting to get a bit freaky. During the day I have several moments of snapping into a state of quite pure self-observation. I'm feeling a lot of equanimity and de-sticking. Things still get to me from time to time. Resentment towards work and smaller perceived "theft of freedom" is still able to seriously get me on a roll, until I notice that I'm rolling. Feels like getting caught with my pants down. There's this brief moment of shame of bying into the cycle. Snapping out of it feels nice though. Entry: Restlessness Date: Fri Apr 27 13:43:22 EDT 2012 Yesterday's sitting and following reclining meditation where filled with restlessness. It was quite strong and unpleasant. After it I could not get to sleep, so I practiced some more, reclining. At some point there was a transition to equanimity. I tried to remember how exactly it happened but I remember not being able to. I think a combination of going back to "now" and especially noting resistance and letting go eventually lead to a transition. After that I fell asleep. Feel good an light today. Entry: Sitting through confusion without blinking Date: Fri Apr 27 14:54:50 EDT 2012 One experience that has been with me for a couple of weeks is the ability to note the sensation of confusion and not be carried away by it. Before I would get confused and basically resent that, and go on a self-pity trip, or on a forceful resisting, trying to focus hard on specific things that cause the confusion. Now it's possible to just ride the wave. Confusion feels like a ball in the center of perception. It's visual representation is a like a glowing ball of twine. It decays over a couple of seconds. Not resisting the initial unpleasantness causes a light feeling of bliss and freedom when it is fading. Entry: Bliss Date: Mon Apr 30 12:54:06 EDT 2012 Very blissful half-reclining sit yesterday, after a moment of suffering. Images suffering from a movie about WWII kept coming up (Sarah's Key). I tried to get to noting but I was getting very attached to the bliss. Maybe I hit a different concentration Jhana? I don't know much about this so I'm not going to speculate. After the sit I did full reclining on the bed. Dozed off at some point and woke up with pure sensation. There was some blip/shock which might have just been me dozing off.. I felt different afterwards, but I'm getting quite weary of suggestion here since I seem to be quite good at feeling different after having some kind of blip ;) So I don't know, let's see what happens. No hurry. Feel good in general. I also am very aware of sensations in the top part of my nose and into the corners of my eyes. Maybe these were associated to self before and tuned out? It's weird, it's always there. I had the same happen with a sensation in the back, top of my head. I can't feel it now, but it was very prominent. Entry: Confusion Date: Tue May 1 12:45:23 EDT 2012 Why is confusion so unconfortable? I can work for hours as long as I stay in flow, but when I hit confusion and have to actively step out of the box, two hours can mess me up for the whole day. Why does it take so much energy? I'm thinking that the suffering is really about not wanting to be confused, not wanting to feel that confrontation with not being in control. Does the exhaustion then come from the aversion (reaction), or just simply from the sensation of being confused? Entry: Different again Date: Wed May 2 13:43:18 EDT 2012 Hard to distinguish what actually happened from re-interpretation after the fact. It was a lot and it seems best to give in to putting it on the path: - 3 characteristics: uneasyness, first confused with dark night - A & P: wonderfull bliss, very narrow focus - dark night: dissolution, fear, sadness, confusion (re-observation?) - equanimity: definitely different from A & P, though also blisfull but with wide focus and space. - one of those "blips" I described before. didn't notice anything different after the blip. Life in general goes smoothly. I'm a bit detached from things, equanimous. Letting things fade out before reacting. Not getting provoked so easily, and when I do get angry it fades quickly without doing damage. There's definitely something different. I'm starting to think that maybe I got SE. I don't feel I "gained" anything, but that I lost things: lost being worked up all the time. From what I've read that might be a sign. Let's see where it goes, time will tell. Another sign is supposed to feel that something is done. Well, I feel as if something is no longer a problem. Not so much obsessed with the idea of getting SE. Entry: Resentment & fear Date: Thu May 3 10:36:20 EDT 2012 Not getting anywhere today. Got some task tension coupled to resentment and fear and I can't seem to pierce through that. Was reading some of Nick's HP posts [1][2][3]. Maybe it's time to use this opportunity of misery and serious woe-me selfing to get some insight. First, I'm trying to describe how it feels. Something's not right. Thoughts come up (shopping list, TODO stuff, resentment) in a way that hasn't happened for a while. So let's assume I'm starting at ground zero again. I try to concentrate on sensations, but concentration gets interrupted by thoughts and sensation that are not noted. This makes me get frustrated. "I've been through all this before, and really I just want equanimity so I can continue my meditation work." What seems to happen here is that instead of actually doing insight practice, I'm thinking/simulating it. That just went from verbal to knowing and things change immediately. So I guess I just need to start noting again. Reclining this time. Sitting was too painful, distracting. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/04/yogi-experiment-when-in-midst-of-misery.html [2] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/10/yogi-experiment-riding-wave.html [3] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/yogi-experiment-peripherycentre.html Entry: When in the midst of misery Date: Fri May 4 12:48:32 EDT 2012 Looking into [1] again because of a recent "woe, is me" attack. When I'm in a quiet spot, meditation tends to progress fine; I'm seeing more and more of the self-sensations, creating momentary "necker cube flips". However, real life tends to interfere. Especially getting into trips of resentment, basically people wanting me to do things against my natural flow, creating this carefully constructed feedback loop between pride and guilt. This also makes me think that I don't have SE (as I started to speculate earlier) because these tape loops do have sticking power. Anyways. Reading [1] I came to this, which din't parse correctly: There is a movement of mind to grasp at the resolution of a desire born of an evaluation of something that has arisen within the field of experience. (causes a buffer overflow on the receiving end ;) Taking it apart: sensation in field of experience -> evaluation of sensation (i.e. good/bad) -> desire from evaluation (i.e. want/resent) -> grasp at resolution of desire (i.e. want the want/resent solved) ... Sensations will arise as a result. They may then manifest as 'tense' unpleasantness which act as a trigger for thoughts, images and ideas about 'self' and how 'self' relates to those thoughts, images, ideas, and an onslaught of unpleasant 'self-narratives' will ensue and continue a viscous cycle of woe, is 'me'. -> tense/unpleasant sensations caused by the grasping -> these trigger selfing -> selfing triggers more selfing Maybe I've come full circle. I started meditating to be able to handle these woe-is-me trips and their associated cycles of suffering. It's more clear now that indeed, these trips are self-inflicted, and firmly rooted in habitual patterns that can be broken by awareness. As long as I'm not plagued by them directly, the awareness works well. I've significantly raised the threshold of getting caught, but there are those that would have gotten me good before I started practicing, that still get me. And with that comes a feeling of disappointment. I can feel something has changed, but it's not "good enough" yet, which is more oil on the selfing fire.. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/04/yogi-experiment-when-in-midst-of-misery.html Entry: Hacking vedana Date: Fri May 4 13:50:04 EDT 2012 I saw a brief glimpse of this[1] one time[2]. Seeing a normally quite negative, unpleasant sensation as beautiful. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/09/yogi-experiment-hacking-vedana.html [2] entry://20120425-132006 Entry: Equanimity again Date: Sat May 5 10:47:44 EDT 2012 Day was full of suffering. Much dukkha, much selfing. To a point where it gets to be embarrassing: like I know cognitively on one hand that I'm feeding the loop, though on the other hand I don't "see" how to stop it until the intensity falls below a certain threshold, then I immediately become equanimous and happy. Did some reclining meditation yesterday night. Wide open equanimity. Investigating the watcher. Flipping between sensation-view and me-view. The latter arises automatically again when concentration is broken. It looks like it's easier to see now when watcher is there. Also, I've been trying to notice attachment to the open space that had been creeping up. Hard to describe, but it's a transition from narrow to broad that feels really good. Maybe it's a jhana transition? Solidifying? I've been looking for it then clinging to it and now realized that sensation and let it go. Things open up more after that. Experiencing wide open, clarity without the "wow, cool" reaction. Entry: The "You" *is* the fighting Date: Sat May 5 18:46:45 EDT 2012 [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/09/yogi-experiment-stop-fighting.html [2] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/09/yogi-toolbox-refining-and-discerning.html Entry: Last couple of sits Date: Sat May 12 18:24:53 EDT 2012 I'm starting to see the progressing more clearly: - acces concentration - A&P - dukkha - Equanimity Then, when in equanimity and focusing on the watcher I get "mental sneezes" quite consistently, so I'm wondering again if these are fruitions. In general, I feel pretty good afterwards. Most of the times this is right before going to bed, but when I do practice during the day and there isn't too much stuff going on to suck me back into life, the same pattern unfolds. Another thing is that even with stuff going on, the following approach seems to be quite repeatable: - Just sit down and get to the point where it becomes "natural" to concentrate. This can include some discursive thought that's hard to catch, but letting it arise gives a refresh of the experiential memory of how it is to let this go. ( Mind & Body ?) - Once realization is there that concentration might be a good thing, start with samatha practice, building up tranquility. - Once tranquil, start insight practice, focusing on "selfing". The samatha seems to give a shortcut to the stage of Equanimity, which seems to be necessary to start observing the watcher. Before that, it doesn't make much sense as there is too much inclination to focus on details. Watching the watcher at least needs a broad perspective, all-in "formations" ? Entry: Taking things personal Date: Mon May 7 21:33:15 EDT 2012 I like humor. And especially satire. However, being the target of satire is something that has surprised me on a couple of occasions as a blow in the stomach. Howeverm, it can be liberating, having your ignorance or identification exposed by witty comments. Maybe I should make a list ;) - South park - Margaret Cho - Paul Mooney Entry: Wondering .. Date: Sun May 13 00:48:29 EDT 2012 .. if this[1] was my 1st path moment. I keep having these mental sneezes and things feel pretty good overall. Very "normal" with some very bright (concentration) moments during the day that pop out of nowhere. I also think I'm cycling. Some weight has definitely lifted and emotion trips don't stick around for too long (though some people still get on my nerves ;) [1] entry://20120326-134755 Entry: Sneeze Date: Tue May 15 20:55:21 EDT 2012 Sneeze again after focusing on suffering caused by attachment to work stuff. Tried to look at if things where different after it and yes, the suffering was gone. Had a 20min sit after that which went from what I think was A&P into deep equanimity. No more sneezes after that. Tried laying down as I was experiencing pain but fell asleep for 15 minutes. Feel very calm and relaxed after that, with a bit of lingering sadness for going into a work-related attachment and resentment trip again today and yesterday. Entry: Couple of bad days. Date: Thu May 17 19:46:56 EDT 2012 Mostly caused by unrealistic expectations, and holding on to them dearly.. It has become so clear to me that happiness really lies in the letting go of things. The question then is, where do we place passion? Is there any room for it, or is it just to be done away with? Today I started working on something that's supposed to be fun, i.e. it is a "hobby". Though it got side-tracked a bit by wanting it to be something different than it was. By a lot of resistance to accepting reality as it is. Tss... Feeling pretty crappy right now. Maybe time to sit. Entry: Yesterday Date: Fri May 18 11:16:10 EDT 2012 Before sitting around midnight, 30 minutes, I was quite on edge. Even when it's no big deal to feel bad these days (which is an awesome develepment btw.) there is plenty of unsatisfactoriness going on. I went the samatha route. Not sure where I got, maybe 2nd jhana as I think there is at least some effortlessness going on. After that I eventually ended up in equanimity. The "investigation" feels really more natural than abiding in the bliss. Self dissolved at some point. I'll try to explain the experience. I was looking out the window at the garage. Doing so there was no sensation of observer, however focusing on the curtains through which I was looking created a clear sense of "me sitting in the room watching outside". I kept focusing on those sensations until they got re-interpreted as just sensations. No trace of me, just sensations. Accompanied by a great sense of relief and equanimity and a clear seeing of the absence of suffering caused by this disappearing of the out-there / in-here distinction. After the sit, the sense of self returned when I went to bed. Main feature of the sit: clear feeling of non-separation / selflessness. This has been quite reproducable lately. That feeling itself changes. My fear towards it does no longer kick me out of it. On to interpretation. Did I reach SE? Am I now cycling? How can this experience of non-separation be so clear and at the same time not be permanent? I've plenty of separation-based behaviour and story going on during the day. I end up in unsatisfactoryness and with almost no exception I can then sit for 15-30 minutes and end up in equanimity feeling very good after that. It seems obvious that I need to continue doing this, trying to note more in the process. Noting really is quite a powerful technique. It seems to make it easier to come back to a central point instead of getting carried away without focus. It keeps the attention "switched on". Entry: Last week Date: Tue May 29 11:37:21 EDT 2012 Lot's of things happening after last entry. Knowing that I have SE or not is becoming less important. Every time I talk about this to my wife, the concept seems "empty ego stuff", just words, and I can clearly see how it is just one of those loopy things that keep the suffering going. However, in my experience I've been seeing the shift to "self dropping out of the picture" a number of times. Dark night stuff isn't so much of an issue. In fact there are some disturbing things in my life at this time that seem to be met with a lot of equanimity and little story looping. The looping and associated emotions do pop up but it is always clear that this is what is going on. It moved from being "me" to becoming an annoying pattern. ( "Noisy neighbours", following Florian's terminology. ) In my meditation I've been trying to go through the Samatha Jhanas and moving to Vipassana when it feels right. This almost always leads to a "self dropping out" experience. Not sure if it's a fruition or some other near-enemy shift but the shift itself is becoming more clear and more easily reproducable. I'm starting to see more clearly the first 4 Jhanas, and I think I might have touched on the 5th or further but it's not clear from the properties. I can clearly see these transitions though: - A -> 1: good feeling appears, sustained concentration necessary - 1 -> 2: sustained concentration no longer necessary - 2 -> 3: physical part of good feeling disappears, less conscious of body - 3 -> 4: mental part of good feeling disappears, makes room for equanimity and openness At 4th Jhana it becomes easier to go to Vipassana by starting ivestigation. The "self" processes are more visible that way. It's hard to do this using a dry approach. This cuts both ways: I'm having trouble not investigating getting to 4th. Inertia? After 4th that there is at time a transition where things turn black, as if space disappears. I'm still there though. Other than that I don't see clearly enough to match it to the Jhana descriptions. About [1], it seems to have a samatha-vipassana pingpong thing going on: pure concentration to make the initial jump into samatha, then investigation to get to the bottom of the "tension" sensations, then moving back to pure concentration, letting go of investigation. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/yogi-tool-box-letting-go-approach-to.html Entry: Diagnosis Date: Thu May 31 12:26:00 EDT 2012 According to Nikolai I have hit 1st path. According to him the experience of self falling away while being conscious is the key point, not so much the occurance of fruitions. For the record, these two events happened for me first time on self dropping out [1] and a week later the blipping[2]. [1] http://localhost:8181/ramblings.ss/dharma/20120326-134755 [2] http://localhost:8181/ramblings.ss/dharma/20120402-010859 Entry: Resentment Date: Thu May 31 16:39:53 EDT 2012 According to Nikolai, reactiveness is not related to 1st path. The experience of self dropping away and leaving only pure awareness and a deep feeling of peace has been reproducable in sits, and it has been happening on occasions in ordinary life. However, I do get quite worked up during the day. Mornings filled with work stress are especially bad, like this morning. Just now I had an experience of the "overlay" disappearing where it all seemed quite irrelevant. It feels like all this self "fluff" becomes quite meaningless, and quite obviously so, without a single doubt left. However, dropping out of this experience (state?) brings back all the suffering, and I find it very hard to step out of this cycle while working, doing something against my immediate motivation, i.e. something boring that requires a lot of mental effort. Entry: Onward Date: Sat Jun 2 20:45:40 EDT 2012 After the exchange with Nikolai some story started to build about "having" first path, which reminds me a bit of the zeal jolt I got after about a month of starting daily practice, probably after A&P. I guess it's time to move on and deconceptualize this. Practice has been slacking these past couple of days. I understand now a bit the reluctance to talk about attainments in Zen tradition. Any conceptualization is not realization, that is very very clear now, and there is both a strong pull towards conceptualization and talking about this, but at the same time a feeling that restraint is in order, and the real thing (the practice) is more important than the abstraction of it. Entry: No self vs. blipping Date: Sat Jun 2 21:11:37 EDT 2012 I'm experiencing two things these days: self dropping out, and blipping/sneezing. Both are distinctively different. The blipping seems rather ordinary. I can feel one come up with a little tension, which is released after the blip. My eyes close with face muscles contracting, just like with a real sneeze. Experience after the event is not much different than before, apart from this build-up tension being gone. Self is still there, including some background tensions. These happen quite often, mostly in respons to some kind of concentration in daily life, or when I find myself in a calm state and focus on something. The no-self experience is more profound, and harder to provoke. It seems to require a deeper state of concentration: if there is any tension I'm not aware of, it will not happen. Once all the tension is clearly seen and concentration is wide for a minute or so, it seems to happen rather automatically. Getting to this level of concentration is not trivial, and I've only managed to do this at night when it's really quiet. It is easier than it was in past weeks: it seems I know what I'm looking for now. What I do experience in daily life is "near miss" events of seeing no-self, in response to trying to provoke such an event. I can feel some of the build up that I recognize from a full event, but it doesn't pop, and I'm left with a feeling of being out-of-sync. In the case it does pop, all tension disappears, making room for a deep and profound feeling of equanimity. Entry: Frame rate Date: Sun Jun 3 10:15:20 EDT 2012 I think I'm starting to experience the discrete "frame rate" of awareness that I've seen mentioned on the DhO. It just happened while replying to an email. This feels really strange. My first reaction to it is that there is something wrong with my perception. It feels as if I'm going crazy. It's abit scary. Alien. Entry: HP posts on MCTB vs. other Date: Mon Jun 4 23:28:27 EDT 2012 From recent exchange with Nikolai I'm looking for some more information about MCTB 4th path not being the "real deal". This is from Nick's practice log[1]. I came across this explanation of the "blips" (anonymous yogi) experiences. This is the best explanation of what I have been calling fruitions I have come across. Awesome! "The first is a momentary discontinuity, a “blip” in awareness. It is preceded by what feels like a build up of charge between two capacitor plates somewhere in the head (behind the eyes, forward of the pineal gland, about where the pituitary gland is located). There is also the sense of a physical flexing of some structure in the same location. When the charge builds up to a certain threshold, there is a very quick (milliseconds) discharge of energy during which consciousness winks out. After the discharge, there is the sense of the same structure relaxing." That seems to be pretty accurate. For me the physical part is really more like a real sneeze. I can't keep my eyes open, and I seem to automatically add some drama to it, like shaking my head or flexing muscles in my neck and shoulders. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/06/yogis-journal-from-1st-to-4th-path.html Entry: Practice and non-practice Date: Mon Jun 4 23:49:37 EDT 2012 Experiencing more of this no-self state, and feeling disorientation. Trying not to go too much into story. Trying to be aware of fabrication. Lots of blips/sneezes. They start to become annoying. Feeling some aversion to being cast into this strange state of being. Trying to be aware of that aversion. Experiencing a form of mourning for having lost something. A general state of WTF, what now? Entry: Frame rate of awareness? Date: Thu Jun 7 14:10:16 EDT 2012 There's something special about this 4Hz rate. I can see it clearly in my visual field from time to time, especially after drinking coffee or eating sweet food. Does this have to do with the boundary of Delta[2] waves 0-4Hz and Theta[3] waves 4-7Hz? It seems that Theta waves are most prominent during meditation. [1] entry://../quack/20120607-140915 [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delta_wave [3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theta_wave Entry: Last couple of days Date: Sun Jun 10 21:35:03 EDT 2012 Things have been weird and different. I get fruitions (blips/sneezes) quite often, and they start to annoy me, so I wonder if they are really fruitions. They don't leave bliss waves unless I am already in high concentration. I get muscle contractions every time. My head seems to shoot up. The "self dropping out". This feels right as the point to focus on. It's harder. It happens during the day in brief moments, but is more stable during formal practice. Maybe I should start calling these PCEs? I've not been doing much formal Jhana practice. However I do fall into Jhana states pretty easily. Combining them with Metta works very well, and is probably more of what I need at this time. As I've read, insight and metta eventually come together, but they are not really for me at this time. For the rest I'm mostly interested getting my feet on the ground again. I'm still a bit shook up. Last couple of days (since thursday) where filled with unsatisfactoriness and fairly deep embedding; buying into the stuff.. I've also had some stronger bouts of fear coming up. Today was the first time that I could look through it, observing the sensations it made up. Some weird fear dreams passed by also. Entry: Piercing through fear Date: Mon Jun 11 08:23:58 EDT 2012 I got to the selfless soup-of-sensations state yesterday, but only after piercing through a layer of fear that hasn't been there before. It's nameless fear. Manifests as visual images of angry faces, a fear of going crazy. Leaning into it, observing the fine detail of sensations and their causal/sequential relation (visual images that triggered thoughts of going crazy) made it go away eventually, but that was a bit scary in itself. The idea of "missing something" is now becoming more clear. The selfless state comes by itself whenever the current self-loop is let go of in a state of high concentration. The blips are still there. They happen frequently but that's all. I don't feel a big state shift after that, only the some subtle tension gone. The selfless state is still much more profound. Conclusion is that I should really stop talking to people about this stuff and start practicing with more direction. Simply sitting worked for a while, but now it seems to just make my mind wander and fall asleep. Might be that I'm more tired these days with the heat. Entry: Embedded Date: Fri Jun 15 10:53:10 EDT 2012 Switching between being strongly embedded in resentment and popping out of it, realizing the futility. Little "real" insight. What seems to be going on is more of a conceptual reorganization. The selfless experience does change view. Hard to describe, but it shifts base. It shifts "what's important". Embedding (buying into the story) is still present in a strong way, but the sense of being is different. Less attachment to "how things should be" in an absolute way. Attachment still pops up but is easier recognized as just a construct. In short, the collection of constructs covered by the construct "important" has changed. Entry: Today's sit Date: Sun Jun 17 21:22:39 EDT 2012 I've been stuck in a rut for a couple of days. Dukkha trip. Mostly resentment. Decided to do a formal sit to end up in the state of selflessness I've described in recent posts. It seems that talking about this too much had turned it into an concept too much, preventing the expiernce to unfold. Sit was quite painful. Difficulty concentrating. I tried jhana approach and I think I got to 2nd, then things went muddy. Kept going, moved in front of the big fan to feel the wind and focus on that, next to a state of being that resembled reobservation. After 45 minutes it broke open. Man this is so different than ordinary "wax". Free. Open. It's hard to describe how being in a certain state makes it hard to imagine being in another. How could any of that stuff I went through an hour ago be any problem at all? It's so obvious and simple. Entry: Last week Date: Sun Jun 24 08:52:44 EDT 2012 Mostly filled with work. Dit not meditate much, except for early this week when I got to the selfless state once. Feel mostly crappy. Not sure why I'm not doing it. Bleh I guess. Strong embedding. Entry: Another week Date: Mon Jul 2 01:30:33 EDT 2012 Mostly filled with holiday camping trip and some chores before and after. Did some meditation under the trees. Got a brief look at selflessness and a look at fear of the dark and sleeping outside. Things are slacking. I feel quite embedded during the day, and tired at night, unable to concentrate well. Looks like it's time for some more directed practice. Entry: Midday sit Date: Mon Jul 2 13:13:08 EDT 2012 I noted some preoccupation with stuff and desire for selflessness. That latter feeling is really insidious. The goal of my current practice is to re-experience the self dropping out, but it seems that the presence of this goal is the only thing that keeps it ongoing. This seems to be impossible to control. The drop out "just happens" when everything is let go of and sensory experience "comes closer". I'm having a lot of near misses where I see the onset of this experience, but some kind of thought or reaction makes it go away again. Still a lot of blips. These happen almost instantaneously when I sit down. Before a blip there is a build-up of something resembling pressure: something is "clogging the system" as it were. After the blip this tension is gone, but I don't feel anything special, i.e. no bliss except for a very faint echo of relief related to this tension. Then after anything from a second to a minute, it happens again, and again.. It seems that not experiencing the selfless state causes a regression to more embedding: more preoccupation, resentment, avoiding social contact. Entry: Absorption Date: Mon Jul 2 22:56:18 EDT 2012 Not sure where or what I'm doing. I just sit and start focusing on "focus" or something like that, bringing the attention back to that point when I'm wandering off. This leads to very deep absorption. I got to a point today which is the "fluffy hands" expierence I've had in the past before I started meditating, but when I got into some kind of weird mental state by circumstances. Very hard to describe, but it feels like my hands are very thick and fat, like those of a baby. Entry: New formal approach Date: Tue Jul 3 12:14:55 EDT 2012 After breaking the ice it seems I need to find a new way to proceed. My practice is currently unstructured and confusing. Additionally, all that I read about meditation confuses me more, and some kind of information overload seems to be happening, probably triggered by becoming aware of differing opintions and views. Before I reached the stage of equanimity the noting/investigating approach seemed to work well. At the current point I have trouble doing so, and I feel more drawn to "just sit" instead of focusing on the 3 characteristics[2]. This corresponds to most things I've read from Nikolai who refers to Kenneth Folk's Three Speed Transmission approach[1]. I've already used both approaches mentioned in [2]. Noting helps with moving along the path up to equanimity, especially the dark night stages, while concentration & surrender work better at equanimity and maybe at reobservation. I can confirm stat stages are more clear when investigation is high. When "just sitting" it is not always clear what's happening. I'm going to stick to Kenneth's / Nikolai's approach for a while. [1] http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+Three+Speed+Transmission [2] http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/The+Controversy Entry: Jhanic states Date: Mon Jul 9 10:39:47 EDT 2012 Didn't practice yesterday, but the days before I got back on track. Feeling better. Something that has changed recently: When I'm not too agitated, I can close my eyes and point my eyeballs to the lower left corner and go to a jhanic state almost instantaneously. I assume this is one of the states above 4th, as there is a "boundless" aspect to it. Stepping out of it, even after as little as 5 seconds, leaves me in a bit of a buzzed state which takes say 15 seconds to recover from. Entry: Selfless State Date: Tue Jul 10 13:25:46 EDT 2012 Regained access to the selfless state after reclining, reading[1] and sitting. What did it this time was to look at the fan in the window, and focus on the "me" overlay looking at the fan. In the beginning it was very clearly there, now it's somewhat faint. I did not get to a point that felt like "woah, it's gone!" like happened before, but I do feel that it's different from being very prominently there. One of the consequences of it dropping out seems to be that it becomes quite easy to see when it's there, as it always was. It goes a bit like this: get to a point of calm concentration and look out the window until the this/there distinction becomes clear, and some self-related thoughts are apparent (e.g. "after the meditation i'm going to do this and that and ..."). The point of calm concentration is important. It seems that "wanting" to get to this state and becoming a bit agitated because of failure has been very hard for me to see. Can't get there if those wants are not seen clearly and subsequently dropped (automatically) - no exception. So I'm waiting for sense of self to return and then try it again to see if it is repoducable or if this conceptualization is again self-defeating. So.. It just dropped. Nothing spectacular. There is no clear "jump" but there are some gradual shifts that suddenly land me in a direct experience as opposed to the me/it distinction. I tried to focus on me then on it and swap about twice per second up to a point where I realized that I was moving my eyes when I was focusing on "me" and then there was just these eye movements and the "me" was no longer there. I didn't see it drop or fade over the course of a second like happened before; it was just no longer there when I looked. Doing this switch between me/it seems to just make the mind get tired of the game and just give up the distinction. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/05/appreciation-abandon-overlay.html Entry: Catching morning resentment Date: Tue Jul 17 09:28:14 EDT 2012 Waking up always has been full of suffering for me. The prevailing emotion is: "leave me alone". It's the worst time of the day for dealing with stuff. Just want to crawl into a corner and hide. Maybe think about fun things to do with the day while brain starts to come online after coffee. Recently I've been able to catch it a bit easier: the resentment subsides when I'm able to clearly identify it. Most of the time this seems to be a reaction to tasks that are a bit to hard to oversee. Usually the solution is to just start, and stop resisting. Entry: New path starting? Date: Wed Jul 18 12:58:34 EDT 2012 Experiencing anxiety (general, unspecific feeling of fear) triggered by some recent events. I'm experiencing a lot of resentment and excapism towards my general affairs. Since things have been going so well lately, I find it a bit odd. Maybe I'm on the way to a new path? I still get fruitions, but the "selfless" experience has become different. It's as if it is deconstructing more. As if I see some of the fabrications that where still there the first couple of times I went through the overlay drop. I've been noticing that the feeling of my eyes moving in their sockets, and the feeling of the eye muscles seem to be still quite attached to "me". When focusing on these, there have been occasions where I'm no longer "behind" them, as if my consciousness detaches from space. Maybe this is a new jhana? Seems to correspond to boundless space, 6th jhana. Current assumption is that I'm entering into the dark night of 2nd path. Probably best to start sitting more, focusing on surrender. I have a strong urge to loose myself in comforting behaviour like I did last 2 days watching TV. Entry: Another dark night? Date: Fri Jul 20 08:41:15 EDT 2012 Days filled with resentment. It's funny because I recognize this pattern. I know that the solution lies in noting and surrender, but the pull towards embedding is very strong. The irony is that this can't be "controlled". Technically, it can be controlled but not by trying to control it, only by letting go. Entry: Dukkha weekend Date: Sat Jul 21 17:13:56 EDT 2012 Completely absorved by stuff (planning, conflict, despair) to a point that I didn't think was possible any more. It's easier to recover. It's easier to see the "no worry" zone. There is something about bare experience that really transcends all that stuff generally called life. However, life is there to live, and sometimes conflicts and decisions come up that can be quite emotionally challenging. I haved been upset like this in months. The solution is so simple: not to step into the mess, but I already did. And it's heavily intertwined with other things. I need clarity. What I come to when I do meditate in this state is to look for peace. To first find peace and then work from that. Peace with the situation (acceptance), and peace with the people involved (compassion). Entry: Nothing Date: Mon Jul 23 17:17:01 EDT 2012 Only when there is nothing, is there no stress[1]. Got this quote from correspondence with Nikolai. This is starting to sink in, slowly. Nick mentioned that seeying through the 'self' overlay would guide further practice, and this is now obvious. After a particulary distressful couple of days I've found a new appreciation for meditation. Experience has been relatively deep. The intense weekend followed a week of being stuck in self-absorbed wallowing. It can only be found right here. It is remarkable that the experience of frution completely obliterates everything, all ideas of "my life". Nothing can be found in the past which has fundamental importance[1]. [1] http://www.buddhanet.net/ayyatalk.htm Entry: My projects Date: Mon Jul 23 20:31:26 EDT 2012 What I'm thinking is that maybe I should let go of all those unfinished projects. Most of them are so ambitious they create more suffering than pleasure of discovery, which seems to be why I take them on. Or.. I could try to take them less serious? Take more of a distance? Be aware when resentment sets in? There seems to be a fundamental conflict between doing a task, living in the moment on one side, and to be fueled by desire, working towards a goal on the other side. Maybe the trick is that there is no goal, only work and "bonding" with the subject? I can feel this sometimes when I do mathematical things where the ratio of thinking to doing is much higher than for ordinary programming work. Just sit and let it flow. It doesn't need a goal apart from clearing the obvious obstacles. EDIT: From some perspective it is clearly not important. I can clearly see the attachment to making something I thought of work, and also the irrelevance of actually doing so. It seems with this meditation stuff, the bottom falls out of things and there is no fixed reference point except for that state of acceptance that transcends everything. Much of what I do seems to be an attempt to be noticed, special, appreciated. From an ordinary life perspective it's hard to see what to do with the knowledge that this is empty. Kenneth mentions this disconnet will pass and make room for compassion. I now understand better how Vipassana and Metta go hand in hand.. Entry: The Witness Date: Tue Jul 31 10:12:42 EDT 2012 Meditation has been unstructured lately, but I do feel I'm going the right direction. I'm using surrender as the basic technique, which I guess is 3rd gear. This leads to equanimity and selfless states, though I'm not sure if this is 2nd or 3rd gear in Kenneth's approach. The selfless states do correspond very well to descriptions of 3rd gear, especially descriptions about how to get there: by surrender. So I'd like to try 2nd gear practice - dwelling in the witness. From [1]: So I like to make the point that when you really get this Witness, it is very clear. It is a very distinct experience where the knowing mind is clearly looking back at itself in a kind of mirroring way. Nikolai start's talking about this at some point in his practice log[2] which then links to a separate post in [3]. [1] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2010/04/the-witness-turning-the-light-around-2/ [2] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/06/yogis-journal-from-1st-to-4th-path.html [3] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2011/01/yogi-toolbox-riding-jhanic-arc-via.html Entry: Resentment in daily life Date: Wed Aug 1 19:10:21 EDT 2012 [stuff] This has more content than usual. More concretely, dealing with "being part of the machine", working around problems created by other people due to lack of insight (must add, would probably have made mistakes myself, but a different kind, so it's easier to resent these particular things at hand because I would not have made them.. I do have a good track record of not getting things right the first time... The strange part is this very strong feeling of resentment that feels like "your fucking problem, don't bother me with it". It's odd, because it's my job to fix these things. And generally I'm doing just fine in the end, and once I understand things I actually enjoy it. It's the story around it that somehow gets toxic and out-of-hand. Upto recently I did not really have a good way to deal with this, except for stepping out of it and *doing something else* that does not involve thinking. I.e. running away. I'm taking this as a meditation object, to go through the motion of deconstructing the whole pattern, and learning how not to get hooked again. And it's definitely possible to deconstruct it. There are two main components: a realization that "now is not the time". For some reason the task is too difficult, but it is hard to see why this is. Elements are: general fatigue, perceived arbitrariness, perceived lack of control. Perceived pointlessness: when solved, the problem will come back in another form. Boredom, hopelessness, disinterest, irrelevance. The base sensation seems to be fatigue: this work requires a lot of context which is impossible to maintain in short term memory when fatigue increases. The interesting part is that fatigue is not absolute: it is a construction. If for some reason an interesting connection pops up, fatigue disappears. So let's go with the assumption that the fatigue is actually boredom. How to pierce boredom? Reading comments in [1] it seems that boredom is not the right word. It's too broad. Bored with "having to do something". What I'm experiencing is more being bored with being goal-oriented, with absence of play. Bored with forced attention without payback. Here[2] boredom proneness is related to failure of attention. So I wonder if it is possible to overcome boredom by increasing attention using some trick that bypasses the "forced" feeling. Attention is effortless when there is relevance, though relevance is hard to fake.. Maybe "just do it" is the solution: start doing the boring work, but try really hard to focus on sensations that arise while doing. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/3244586 [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boredom Entry: Integration: not getting hooked on resentment Date: Fri Aug 3 01:35:32 EDT 2012 Chop wood, carry water. Also before enlightenment. I think it's safe to say that the first real problem is solved after 8 months of regular practice: when I am idle, I am OK. The next step is to carry this to environments that are a little more challenging: right after waking up, before getting to work, after completing a task and feeling "done" before it's done. Entry: Replace judgement with compassion Date: Fri Aug 3 01:40:02 EDT 2012 This seems to be the killer hook. Getting bent out of shape because something isn't like it's supposed to be. Entry: Understanding conflict Date: Fri Aug 3 12:03:34 EDT 2012 To understand conflict, the first step is to be accepting and honest about your own contribution. Being clear about that, it is possible to see the other side. Transcending the emotional roller coaster is an important part of it: letting go of the desired outcome is key to this. Entry: Judgement Date: Fri Aug 10 21:06:08 EDT 2012 [stuff] Mostly embedded.. Looking at this embedding. Having a hard time with meditation so it will be conceptual. Trying to see what the problem is in some problems I have to tackle for work. Doing mental work without some form of "interest" seems to be nearly impossible. Ideas and solutions just come when a problem is absorbed fully. It requires time and energy to do this absorbing, and it seems that it is exactly this "pain" that is resented in cases where the payoff doesn't really bring value. Concrete example: part of the task I'm doing right now requires to fit a square peg into a round hole, meaning that both components work, but are not adjusted to each other, so I have to take one component apart and adjust it to the other. There is no "perceived" benefit from this, and cognitively it is exactly this wrong perception that is the cause of the resentment. In practice, this hurdle needs to be taken for it to work, but the work is not interesting and requires more absorbtion of details that are temporary and boring. ( The remainder of the task where details that are somehow interesting or universal. Current details are just disconnect with previous programmer's style. ) Problem: how to detach from this and "just do" the work? From memory, what seems to help is seeing exactly how this resentment or attachment is taking place. When such clarity arises, it is usually effortless, or at least, there is no longer resistance. At this moment I have a hard time getting over the threshold. I'm tired and bored, and I know that while those things make it hard to get started, they do not make it impossible: a change of view is in order, a change of perspective that makes it obvious the job needs just to be done. Entry: Writing a lot lately Date: Fri Aug 10 21:19:07 EDT 2012 Meditation is jhana-like. I've not been steering much, as I slip into absorption pretty easily. Tend to write a lot. Stories are forming. Maybe filling up gaps made by previous meditation sessions. Tuning in, mostly disgust? Not sure, just had a brief wave of misery. Feel confusion, lack of clarity. Entry: Loosing touch Date: Fri Aug 10 21:27:00 EDT 2012 What helps is to read about this stuff again, to be reminded of things that have suddenly become invisible, clouded by embedding. There seems to be a trigger now where simple remembering of a certain technique can make it kick in immediately, seeing some kind of "sequence" that leads to a different affective state. A path if you will. Entry: Talking too much Date: Sun Aug 12 13:19:38 EDT 2012 Yes. Entry: Confusion Date: Sun Aug 12 13:19:43 EDT 2012 Observing subtleties in confusion. Going back to Daniel's advice (paraphrasing): if your distracted, how do you know? That's another sensation. Been trying to do this and it does break up things a bit. Entry: Beginner mind Date: Sun Aug 12 13:21:10 EDT 2012 Found that every time I think I "know" something, or talk about things, it falls apart. Any conceptualization seems to be detrimental unless it does what you need to hear: to drop the conceptualization. Starting to appreciate the notion of "beginner's mind"[1]. [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shoshin Entry: Space Date: Fri Aug 17 19:20:11 EDT 2012 Starting to see the sensation of space/gestalt as something that arises and passes. Strange. Seems that this perception of space or "being situated" is firmly part of the "self" complex. Entry: Different Date: Mon Aug 27 00:56:33 CEST 2012 Things are different. Came back from a flight with 10 hours delay, which would normally set me off quite a bit. I felt fine. There where some moments where I almost went off on a self-pity trip but it seemed to trigger the "ah. pain is arising" switch which just places me into a ride-the-wave mode, and things pass through without getting hooked. This is awesome ;) Need to get back to formal meditation though. Also, started readig this book[1], and when I got to the chapter about emotions, a lot of things aligned with experience from meditation. Some parallels: * Emotions are experienced in the body (they are felt). Apparently this is because of hormone receptors throughout the body: the explanation is that higher level emotions are built on top of the mechanism for lower level emotions such as pain, in that they react to internal (hormonal) stimuli instead of external stimili. The main advantage of this system over direct neural processing is time: emotions have a longer time span than thoughts, the time span of a couple of seconds to a couple of minutes as opposed to say sub-second duration of pure cognitive states. * The mechanism of "cause and effect" was mentioned: emotion triggers thought triggers emotion etc... There are no emotions that take a long time past a minute or so, there is just a sequence of empotional states kept going by cognitive/emotional feedback. It also said that "it's easy to forget" this is the form of the mechanism when being inside such an episode. Ha! [1] http://mitpress.mit.edu/catalog/item/default.asp?tid=12451&ttype=2 Entry: Jhanas Date: Sat Sep 8 15:25:03 CEST 2012 Been practicing the concentration jhanas a bit past week. It's a bit less clear compared to experiences I had on the Saugatuck trip, but I have the impression that I can distinguish 5th and 6th jhana (boundless space and boundless consiousness). The transition from 4th to 5th is quite clear in that the usual inclusive awareness of space, which is very prominent in 4th, drops away and is replaced by something quite different. That state feels much more other-worldy than the first four, making the term "formless" a bit more meaningful. I'm not quite sure that I can distinguish between 5th and 6th. The experience is that of being at the center of things, surrounded by blackness, emptyness. Maybe it is is all 5th judging from memory of descriptions. There is a transition from 5th but I can't describe it. Entry: Glenthorne Date: Sat Sep 8 15:38:57 CEST 2012 Ran into Minker at Glenthorne[5]. Did some shared meditiation and had a talk. He handed me some notes from a Tushita[2] two day Shamatha Meditation Retreat, based on a book "The Heart of the Buddha" by Trungpa Rinpoche[3]. Course guided by Glen Svensson[1]. It might be that these[4] are the audio files. Not 100% sure. [1] http://www.glensvensson.org/ [2] http://www.tushita.info/ [3] isbn://0877735921 [4] http://www.glensvensson.org/7-point-mind-training.html [5] http://www.glenthorne.org/ Entry: New experience. Date: Sat Sep 8 18:44:06 CEST 2012 I've been experiencing a new kind of wave/cycle going into focus. It is a cycle of about 20-30 seconds if it is not interrupted by snapping out of its transition point. The experience is triggered by focusing on the sensation of my eyes and visual patterns with eyes closed. It goes through a gradual change of folding/rotating upto something that reminds me of a locked joint, i.e. a joint that can no longer rotate further, and needs a swift rotation in a different direction to continue the seemingly gradual motion of the attached limb. If the sensation is not resisted (approaching it feels odd and a bit like approaching the edge of a cliff) it seems to fold inside-out, then proceeding with the folding/rotation motion. This tripping point is not 100% discontinuous, but it feels like a rapid movement that can't be completely tracked. From the discription, this looks like a fruition cycle. States and sensations that are "near" this one, meaning reachable from a similar starting state, do evoke the more familiar discontinuous, slightly painful/disturbing blip I've described before. These blips are still accompanied by contractions in facial muscles. What is different from the blip is that I definitely see this one coming, and it requires a kind of readiness and surrender to sit through it. It seems as if there is a choice to "handle" a blip in a different way. As if the blips I've been experiencing are in fact flinches away from an approaching "joint flip". Entry: A general, all-purpose jhana thread Date: Sat Sep 8 19:32:39 CEST 2012 moha-samadhi / delusion concentration[1] "When you emerge, you find it hard to identify where exactly you were focused." This can come about "when the breath gets so comfortable that your focus drifts from the breath to the sense of comfort itself, mindfulness begins to blur and your sense of the body and your surroundings gets lost in a pleasant haze." In this pleasant haze, the mind is exposed to a highly suggestive mind state wherein almost anything imagined can be taken literally for the truth. five factors[1] In Buddhist meditation, the development of concentrative absorption in the case of the first jhana is described in terms of the following five factors: * directed attention (vitakka) * sustained attention or examination and evaluation (vicāra) * joy/rapture/elation (pīti) * happiness/pleasure/bliss (sukha) * equanimity (upekkhā) I can't really distinguish vitakka and vicara, but the description of piti and sukha seems quite natural indeed: piti being an initial jolt of joy followed by a more sustained fade of bliss. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/1191517 Entry: Attachment Date: Mon Sep 17 09:37:42 CEST 2012 It is now clear, seeping through on a cognitive level, that there is nothing to be gained, only to be lost. It is also clear that this goes against all common sense! It is also clear that many desires are hidden, and deeply ingrained. And that second order desire (wanting someone to want something) can be quite subtle to identify. Entry: Sila Date: Mon Sep 17 11:34:42 CEST 2012 from [1] Integral with the effort to teach serenity is the encouragement of the practice of sila (virtue or morality). The importance of sila cannot be stressed enough. Its practice is the foundation for a practice in serenity (samatha). Without a clear conscience, mental calm in contemplation and meditation will be difficult to come by. A guilty conscience can be a hotbed of mental agitation. If a person is lying, cheating, stealing or whatever, these actions can weigh on the mind, distracting it from being able to calm down while in sitting meditation. If an individual is having a difficult time being able to calm the mind during meditation, this is one of the first places they should look in self examination in order to determine the source of the disturbance. Something I noticed is that this doesn't have to be "active". A guilty feeling due to an absence of right action is just as potent as active immoral acts. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/1191517 Entry: The overlay Date: Thu Sep 20 01:39:45 CEST 2012 In recent sits it's been more straightforward to drop the self overlay and experience the "soup of sensations". It seems to be useful to focus on the point where the overlay re-instates itself. This makes it easier to recognize the "border" that i've described before as "near miss". A near miss seems to be tied to a wanting to experience a drop of overlay, possibly because of its associated bliss. There seems to be a point where the drop is not cognized as something to be experienced, but as something to come home to. It seems that dropping the overlay is dropping "life" as in "my life" - all vested interests. Once reached, the state is stable as long as concentration is maintained. When concentration is lost, some thought patterns can re-instate a clear sense of self in the background, meaning that once the re-instating thought pattern is intercepted and concentration is re-applied, the sens of self remains prominent, and needs to be dropped or allowed to drop once again to return to the original state. Entry: Fear of gettig to know people Date: Thu Sep 20 01:53:09 CEST 2012 One of the reasons I got into meditation is to get a handle on anxiety. This has worked well. However, there is one class of problems that is not covered well: being forced to talk to people I do not know when I really don't want to. It happened twice in two days last week, and several times in last month. A strong attachment to being left alone if you wish. A collapse of compassion. A shutting down. This seems to be part of my introvert makup, but still, it feels out-of-place with the general feeling of being a lot more stable, imperturbable. There's something I'm not seeing clearly.. It might be just a lack of social skill. I.e. a technical problem. Still there is a strong suffering component involved, and if for some reason I can do a "mode switch" into "new people mode" it all works just fine. Maybe an interesting problem to just try to trigger more. Meet more people? Go to the place that scares me? One of the sentiments I've noticed is hate. I really don't want to have anything to do with people I do not know, and that do not have anthing I feel naturally attracted to, something to talk about. The suffering might be because I do not want to see that hate. Might be good to try to see where it comes from. Give it some air. I even have this on the internet, when I see pictures of people next to an article. There's something about unfamiliar faces that is really repulsive.. Maybe it is that the face is not associated to a communication protocol yet? That seems to be what "getting to know" somebody is: establishing a protocol. The basic mechanism is one of making mistakes and forgiving mistakes in the other party, but giving subtle cues that something is not appreciated. My problem seems to be that my fear for making the mistakes is very high. Once I've seen people interact with others I do a lot better: I've been able to build some kind of mental model to talk to.. So it seems that the fear of "shooting in the dark" is what needs to be addressed. [1] http://www.socialphobia.org/social.html [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy Entry: Out of the bubble Date: Fri Sep 28 15:57:34 EDT 2012 Had a nice 1 month break from things, but don't really feel rested. Much resentment with life starting again. Work, home, ... it doesn't seem to matter. Very strong sense of self/embedding. Selfplex is fighting back. I don't feel stable. Lots of emotional triggeres recently, maybe this is backfire. Haven't meditated since I got back, or a couple of days before I left for that matter. Life seems a dream. I'm in pain and I cought a cold yesterday so feel dull. Entry: Seeing in the seen Date: Tue Oct 9 14:39:00 EDT 2012 There's something in the blinks. Something that is still seen as self but is not. Another layer of the onion? Yesterday I was sitting, trying to come to the recognizable point of self dropping out, and while it sort of happened, it felt different. As if there are still subtle parts that are not clearly seen. There was less of a blissful, peaceful feel but more of a curious "hey that's odd" weaving through the soup. Also related to the turning inside-out described here[2], and linked to the sensations related to the eye and seeing/visualizing. As if this system is some kind of "box with walls" that drop away once the motion is seen as constructed. Another way of saying: it seems that the connection between the idea of "space" in a visualization is disconnected from the visualization. Following Nikolai's 'What does "seeing in the seen, hearing in the heard" mean?' (mentioned here [1][3] but also in other points and in pm.) I've gotten to the point where this sentence has moved from being confusing and meaningless to seemingly corresponding to this experience that has been hiding in the gaps. Haven't done much formal meditation in the last week, just here-and-there mindfulness, and I still slip easily into jhana (Edit: [4] might be a good way to go.) if I just focus on the pleasantness of sitting or being in the body. In general, life is absorbing, but something has happened or shifted in meaning to sensences like "what do I want from life". The way in which I'm looking to answer this question has changed a lot. Obsession is fading, but dispair (its negative) still rises. I have a nagging pain in my sholder that distracts me from opening up during formal sits. It causes tension that is hard to identify and takes me on a ride. When I'm out taking a walk with the wife and dogs and the wind and light create an intense play, there are moments of self drops that seem to be suspended between moments of self. This often happens when I'm listening to a story, and the attribution of meaning to the story seems to need this reference point of self. Edit: after a short sit reaching a fairly equanimous state of being without a clear sense of self, there was a transition to a clear sense of self with focus on it, which I assume is "the witness". I kept focus on this for a bit. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/05/yogi-toolbox-floaters.html [2] entry://20120908-184406 [3] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/05/yogi-toolbox-haietmoba.html [4] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/07/yogi-toolbox-actualizing-jhanas.html Entry: Formless realms Date: Tue Oct 9 15:23:19 EDT 2012 I think it's clear that I have (had) access to 5th/6th Jhana so it might be good to guide practice a bit to stabilize this and see what they are like, i.e. to investigate. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/07/yogi-toolbox-actualizing-jhanas.html [2] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com.au/2011/06/yogi-toolbox-pceaf-like-approach-to.html Entry: Dark night? Date: Thu Oct 18 09:11:48 EDT 2012 I feel miserable. "Me" feels very solid. Some stuff is going on that takes away the quiet, but it can't have such a deep impact. Anger and resentment, not directed at anything in particual but at everything at the same time. Leave me alone. So I wonder if this is ordinary depression that tends to kick in from time to time, or another dark night? Yesterday I sat through it. It did have this all-together-crap feeling I associate with the other dark night. Once I was reminded that I have to step out of this by looking into it, the head in the wind, it seemed to dissove a bit, only to re-appear after that. Phenomena have a strong hold on "me". Stuff still drops out when the "me" is let go of, but it seems to re-assert itself behind my back. Maybe I just need to meditate in the morning. Entry: Focusing on the arising and passing of self Date: Sat Oct 20 14:26:43 EDT 2012 Last week was a mess. After some more intensive sits the embedding lessened substantially. The pattern seems very clear: If I don't do formal practice to focus on the rising/passing of self, the self gradually gets stronger until it is seen as solid and the cycle closes. Focusing more on identifying that solidification opens things up again. This post[1] by Nikolai gives a nice recipe for this process. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/10/appreciation-khemaka-sutta.html Entry: Sloth & embedding Date: Thu Oct 25 15:14:14 EDT 2012 An interesting experience is that, being in a state of sloth, it is not at all apparent that meditation i.e. concentrating on immediate awareness actually does anything good. Same for other kinds of embedding in strong craving/aversion. It takes a bit of courage to then sit down and go for it. Often (still?) this is too much to ask. Entry: Stuck Date: Wed Oct 31 19:33:01 EDT 2012 After a nice couple of days of doing this[1], I now feel stuck again. Did not get to any direct experience apart from very brief moments. Pervading sensation is frustration, stuckness, desire for things to be different. Noting that it lifts a bit but in the session I just had I space out without being able to refocus. Overall, today feels stuck. There is some life stuff going on in the background that is provoking rections, so I might be blinded by some attachment/aversion thing. Looks like that's the first place to go. EDIT: Yep I think that was it. Calm returned after acknowledgement [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/10/appreciation-khemaka-sutta.html Entry: Terminology Date: Wed Oct 31 20:02:47 EDT 2012 An update on terminology: - center/overlay dropping out. This has been a fairly clear event, and is the thing I am looking out for. It happens either after sitting in strong concentration for a bit, or just like that sitting in the yard or walking the dogs. The former is fairly stable while the latter is fleeting. I've noticed that sound is a trigger, maybe because it has this "all around" quality to it, e.g the sound of leaves in the winds. Also the wind by itself has this all around / all over thing to it. I noticed this sitting in front of a big fan this summer. The effect of the dropout is clearest on vision: it is really as if some kind of glass border is removed between me and the world. - fuitions or blips. I'm still not sure what I experience are fruitions, but they can definitely be described as blips. They are accompanied by a startled twich which might just be my constructed reaction to them (like the sound or motion of a proper sneeze is also somewhat an "act"). Entry: The answer to which one shoould I pick.. Date: Sun Nov 4 16:51:32 EST 2012 is neither. Entry: Stuck Date: Mon Nov 5 22:13:16 EST 2012 Still stuck at the same point. Experiencing lots of embedding. Anger. Frustration. Storylines. That hasn't happened in a while. It starts to look like another dark night. Looking for some inspiration about where to look[1]. Daniel mentioned somewhere that 2nd path is much like 1st path: the same lessons need to be learned but for different territory. Daniel, from [1]: Oh, as to renunciation: the renunciation of misperception is the key renunciation. The rest are of superficial benefit unless they are things that really keep you stuck for some reason in a mode of attention that precludes investigation. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/1098397 Entry: Real-time drop out blogging Date: Fri Nov 9 15:19:50 EST 2012 Experiencing a centerless state at this moment. It is less profound as the previous ones in that it has less release. Loosing focus made it go away. It came about by just staring at some code after a good day of programming. It fades in and out. Main property is peace. A lack of things. A lack of "stuff". Maybe I should eat more chocolate ;) Just ate about half a cup of drops Chorardelli baking chips. EDIT: Then life continued. There is something special about the simplicity of not being there, and the echo of it when getting re-absorbed. That little reminder of thoughts that sound like "don't forget, already there". Entry: Drop the agenda Date: Sat Nov 10 00:50:57 EST 2012 When you're present, you forget to suffer[1]. EDIT: I probably need to learn to switch back to 1st gear. I've been doing a lot of which is I guess 2nd gear practice, to focus on the self, the arising and passing away and the nature of its components. When the embedding in self is very strong, this gets difficult, as the embedding itself starts to steer focus away from the bare sensations. I've noticed that when I'm displaying procrastinating behavior, the embedding is usually particulary strong, but unnoticed. ( Yeah, not going _there_, I don't want that. ) [1] http://jaytek.net/KFD/04%20NYC%20Talk%20-%20What%20Is%20Not%20Spiritual%20Materialism%20-%20Feb%208,%202011.mp3 Entry: Facing resentment Date: Sun Nov 11 15:28:04 EST 2012 Time to integrate life and practice more. Compartmentalization is the problem. There is no difference between "work time" and "meditation time". I know this from what I read, and I know it cognitively in a sense of "should be doing". Once I actually do it, I know it intrinsically. The trouble is those times when it seems I do not want to see the truth. When "me" needs room to do some looping. Ok. There we go. Going to face a task that causes a lot of reactivity. Entry: Reobservation 2nd path Date: Mon Nov 12 10:47:10 EST 2012 One of the lessons to learn in the dark night is that 1) "you" are not in control. Once that is seen, it is possible to progress to the more deeper lesson that 2) "you" is actually a sensation, not a real thing. It seems hard to see 2) before doing the intermediate step of 1), letting go of the constructed sensation of having any kind of control or power. It is as if these are layered: the illustion of control is built on top of the illusion of self; it sort of cements it in. Can't get to self if you can't get past control. This seems to be one of the big lessons of the dark night: to see the layering of the wrong views and subsequently let them go. (Letting go is easy once it is clearly seen.) I think I'm in reobservation of 2nd path. The overall over-the-top out-of-sync feeling of last couple of days subsided yesterday in a sit, moving towards something similar to early equanimity of 1st path. The experience is similar to 1st path in that I did not have any clue of where I was until I hit the reobservation/equanimity border. Entry: 6th Jhana Date: Mon Nov 12 10:47:16 EST 2012 I think yesterday I hit 6th Jhana for the first time. What I've experienced up to now was probably only 5th (infinite space). The transition between 5th and 6th is relatively strong. Similar in strength if not stronger than 4th to 5th. A lot drops away in the transition, and the "center of consicousness" I've seen described is there right in front of you. ( Visualized as some kind of grey/white ball on a black background that radiates outwards. ) Entry: Spiritual materialism Date: Mon Nov 12 10:50:59 EST 2012 Maybe it's time to start reading Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Chogyam Trungpa[1]. It has become clear that seeing through more subtle "wants" is an important next step. One of these is the inability to start a formal meditation at some times in the day. There is something to be found in this resistance, as it is particularly strong. There is never an bad time for looking at the present moment. [1] isbn://1570629579 Entry: 2nd path, same lessons as 1st path, different territory Date: Mon Nov 12 10:56:43 EST 2012 Title is a parapharsed quote from Daniel somewhere on DhO. This is becoming more clear now that I see the parallels more clearly. The "different territory" is the more subtle parts of the creation of the illusion of self, creation of the illusion of control, duality created by separating "life" and "meditation". Entry: Afternoon sit, dropout Date: Tue Nov 13 12:42:58 EST 2012 Things seem to be changing. A self drop-out experience that was different as those I had a couple of weeks ago. There where a couple of blips before. Something feels different. Seeing things like my desire to write down "new things I got today" more clearly. Big wave of compassion. Compared to previous dropouts, this seems to be less focused on the disappearance of a gross self illusion, but more like the disappearance of a nuisance, an impediment to compassion. I tried to focus on things that have been getting on my nerves lately, and things I've used to get lost in, and they seem a lot less problematic or imporant. We'll see. I see a subtle fear of loosing this insight. A fear of ignorance. It was hard getting started. Not sure when exactly the transition happened between not being able to focus on the now and then moving to a state of equanimity. I did see the transition from chaos (reobservation?) to quiet (equianimity?) in much the same way as yesterady and before. Let's see if this holds up. It's as if now I see there is a big swamp on my daily walk, and I'm afraid of falling in it and drowning. Entry: Tension storage Date: Wed Nov 14 13:04:48 EST 2012 Another afternoon sit, this time starting out a bit more embedded. I saw slight misery -> deliverance -> reobservation -> early eq. with immediate fallback to reobservation, probably due to lack of concentration. Got some positive/negative embedding going on, mostly task tension. Focusing on that tension which was hard to see apart from the tension in the gut, I realized some facial muscle tension was part of it. I'm assuming this is another one of those "storage loops", because after realizing facial tension it dropped away together with the background "task tension" it was seemingly supporting. Another +1 for the idea that if you feel any tension at all, it is being kept alive by another thing in your field of view you're not seeing, supporting the self. Maybe it's even appropriate to define the self as that part of your field of experience that is kept away from attention: if you are able to focus on parts of this tucked away experience using some kind of trick, the whole construction it supports falls away and seems to be re-classified. Anyway, aborted the sit because of attachment to blab about it here.. Entry: Dark night again Date: Thu Nov 15 16:00:07 EST 2012 Another fairly sticky sit. Tension in the stomach area. Investigating it made it dissolve, then shifting focus to someting else made it coming back. ( Interp: something I'm not seeing clearly, something in the "self blindspot" is probably causing this. ) Concentration was very low so I switched to Jhana which dropped me in 2nd almost immediately. Very strong desire for "jhana relief" seems to be conducive to actually getting there, though staying is harder. Entry: Strong resentment Date: Fri Nov 16 13:50:51 EST 2012 The target of the resentment is work, again, probably because this is the most obvious element of daily life to pick up the "undesirable" tag and serve as center to attach to. But also play has been under attack - something that is supposed to be desirable. The latter makes me think that I'm sinking deep into embedding again. I got distracted this week, wearing my "shopping hat" to aquire some more tools, so this might have paved the way for the good old ego thing to firmly reattach itself. The mechanism is strange, even funny. I now know with big certainty that _if_ I sit through it, it will fade away and clarity will come back. However, I don't _want_ to, becase I know that my goals will change after the sit, and I want to keep my current goals! I.e. I want to be entertained, pampered, wade in pleasure and carelessness. This desire is its own savior. Somehow, "it" knows that its existence is dependent upon not being examined closely, so it puts up an even stronger fight. Anthropomorphization aside, the pattern is probably not too far from the truth. Entry: Self is only pain Date: Sat Nov 17 09:51:37 EST 2012 Colored by a little alcohol, but yesterday there was this little moment of clarity with a thought that mainting the self "pet" only brings suffering, followed by a blip and calm, open, soup-of-sensations state. What triggered it was a small "craving attention" trip triggered by some multimedia performance art from my past that I picked up recently to show off again. What is clear now is the emptiness of praise and social status, and the severity of craving. Life in general seems to be soaked in stuff like this. Climbing the social ladder. Maybe that's why I don't like crowds.. Even with my superficial "insight" into this kind of empty human behavior, there is plenty of this pattern baked in my own being. Craving for attention, admiration, status, respect, absence of blame, the label of "good person". All empty. Entry: Insight desease Date: Sat Nov 17 12:16:24 EST 2012 One of the symptoms for me is second order judgement: judging the act of judgment in others, i.e. to see people get angry because if their own dischord between perceived reality and (presumably) internal representation. This makes me sad, but also angry (as it's something that "shouldn't be" because of attribution of guilt to others making me feel bad by this action of judgement). Maybe my interpretation of the term is a bit different then what is current though[1]. For me it means "suffering caused by insight" or "insight-induced ignorance", or "suffering caused by arrogance caused by insight". [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/3442180 Entry: Some progress Date: Sat Nov 17 23:06:40 EST 2012 Interpretation is for later, I'll try to describe things. Out of order since a lot happened. And quite wacky sounding.. - Half our insight sit (preceeded by some more jhana-like sits earlier in the day). - An "opening of the heart" + surprise by the physical location of that feeling right above my heart. Accompanied by a deep feeling of wellbeing radiating outwards. - A couple of blips and a very long bliss wave, still going on almost 3 hours after the sit. Blips preceeded by some tension buildup in the head. - A transparant soup-of-sensation awareness which is still echoing, fading in and out. I had a return to a quite clenching feeling of self about 2 hours after the sit for about 5 minutes, then returned to a calm, blissful, equanimous state. - Self comes and goes. Self is more clearly identified with greed, desire, want. Before not-want, resentment was clear but in a sticky way (not wanting the not-want). Now greed is very clearly seen as quite destructive. Of course, I'm looking for greed and hatred because that is supposed to disappear in 2nd path, so expect some leading. It seems to be more clear now, with self fading in and out, and greed and hatred only being there when self is strongly there, that these are coupled somehow. Blips are still not as I see them described online. They are a short circuit, somewhat painful, with a buildup and muscle contractions. It's hard to see whether there is any "experience" inside the blip. What I notice most is the quite physical reaction to something shifting, something releasing. I don't know if this is a learned reaction. It's been fairly consistent though, but there harve also been "near miss" blips, which have some of the tension buildup/release, but are not discontinuous. Entry: Feel lighter this morning Date: Sun Nov 18 07:52:14 EST 2012 Blissful state yesterday lasted until I went to bed, after writing the message. Let's see now if the lightness survives work stress. 13:03 A little resentment is starting to take hold, fueled by some disturbance of quiet in the house and the background tension of needing to do a job, and the job not going neatly as planned. Entry: Lighter Date: Mon Nov 19 09:59:06 EST 2012 Something has definitely changed, feeling lighter overall. I think I'm cycling, I notice fear coming up periodically, but it's not embedded, i.e. immediately recognized as empty. Blipping a lot. Centerlessness is easier accessible, and it seems more normal. Some things have stopped being a big deal. ( [stuff] One of my pet peeves that caused a lot of conflict in the last couple of weeks is now clearly seen as fairly self-bound, which caused an almost immediate release. ) 2nd path? It all resembles first path quite strongly. Anyways, just a model. It is more clear now that the point is awareness, the here and now, and that self isn't really nonexistent, but it is just a form of organization of perception that isn't worth clinging too. It's a hook, an anchoring mechanism for sustained emotional states. Stop clinging to the self and the substrate for the anchor disappears, making any sustained (permanent) state fade out again. Entry: Cycle Date: Tue Nov 20 11:39:14 EST 2012 Feeling more embedded this morning. Stuff-induced disappointment. Second order desire[1]. No-self / centerlessness still seems fairly accessible through will, though there seems to be a danger to rationalize it into nihilism. Compassion is important here.. Nikolai warned me before to not solidify equanimity: ".. even eqaunimity can be an 'object'. When ready, let go of even that eqaunimity. " [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Higher-order_volition Entry: Stickyness Date: Tue Nov 20 15:56:37 EST 2012 Stuff is sticking. Doesn't look like a permanent change. Entry: Expectation Date: Tue Nov 20 19:07:49 EST 2012 It's amazing how expectation keeps propping up in regions that haven't been "explored" yet. I recently picked up a project I left off about 8 years ago, and much of the "object" context is still intact in memory it seems, while most of those assumptions are void. Some interesting surprises there. Entry: Waking up Date: Fri Nov 23 12:18:32 EST 2012 There has been a serious difference between awareness in the morning and in the evening. Evening always has less stuff. However, breakthroughs have mostly happened during the day. I had my first "dropout" (stream entry) when meditating around noon, with plenty of stuff going around in the head. Maybe it is just the noise that gets to me. My morning was fairly embedded. Only after quiet returned (home alone) it seemed to be possible to let go of some pretty strong judgements. Seeing through some of the core motivations of doing what I do, I know feel in a bit of an impossible situtation. The rug has been pulled from under me. This sounds so cliche.. What I have been seeking is not there. It will probably not be found elsewhere either. I am directed towards "love what you do" instead of "do what you love". Strongly aware of the comfortable position I am in, in terms of worldly, practical things, but also aware that the way in which I am making this fit is eating at me. EDIT: Today went from bad to worse. Feeling quite depressed overall. No hope - all despair. No clarity. I'm able to detach from it, but it seems as this requires full detachment from everything. Deep sadness about not being able to get any satisfaction. About not being able to find harmony. About clinging feeling of attachment and judgement about not being able to function. No where to go so I started concentrating on this general state of being. Blip followed almost immediately after. And the day progresses, and the tone remains. From this to learn that not everything is meditation-induced dukkha. Even if the sadness remains, it doesn't have to start rolling. Entry: interpretation is dangerous Date: Fri Nov 23 23:43:08 EST 2012 feel a bit better. seem to feel always better at night, when i actually meditate (and to be fair, when the world is asleep and not causing confrontation). it is clear now that interpretation and "representational arrogance" is at the heart of current impediment. any idea of accomplishment is a step in the wrong direction, since it seems to get a free pass to becoming an un-investigated solidified enitity, instead of "wisdom guiding to the here and now". it really is only the here and now. all the story around this meditation business is really and only about getting you to shut up and watch the moment. that is all. Entry: blipping Date: Sat Nov 24 23:28:35 EST 2012 [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2759574 Entry: From space to time Date: Sun Nov 25 15:43:32 EST 2012 Reading [1][2] "Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy From A Buddhist Perspective". Something I didn't hear before: mindfulness meditation allows one to move from a "spatial self" to a "temporal self". From "hunger" to "breath". [1] isbn://0465085857 [2] http://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Without-Thinker-Psychotherapy-Perspective/dp/0465085857 Entry: Drop solidification Date: Fri Nov 30 10:51:01 EST 2012 It seems that the path continues to being aware of more subtle forms of solidification. As Nikolai told me, even "equanimity" can be made into an object. Practice has been a bit slacking in the last week. Lots of real world stuff pulling me deep into self. The flashes of centerlessness / disappearing of overlay are very brief, but they happen throughout the day. I did have some progress following the "how does it feel in the body" technique of Kenneth. A sure way of success is to do the following: 1. Identify solidification/embedding (If there is the slightest form of persistent suffering/tension, embedding in self is going on as this is what the persistence is built on. Acknowledging this is the hard part. It seems that perception of self can only exist because this very strong pull towards centralizing things. Even just thinking about letting that go can be painful. 2. Once it's clear that embedding is going on, simply concentrate on the strongest (probably negative) feeling, and take it apart. Once that feedback loop is observed the persistence caused by the feedback disappears. Depending on the level of embedding, this process is very painful, and if not pulled through all the way to the end, will leave you strongly embedded. However, once the link "breaks", the release can be enormous. ( Embedding means "buying into the storyline". My recurrent trip is still anger/judgement mostly centered around the concept of "fairness". It's interesting how judgement and compassion can both "cover" the same perceptual conditions, and can flip over into each other. ) Entry: Nowhere to hide Date: Sun Dec 2 23:08:09 EST 2012 Self is suffering. Suffering is self. A tower of unsatisfaction is built on a cramped stomach. That cramp is something to hold on to, to solidify the injustice to self. To shape its meaninglessness. Entry: Practical problem Date: Thu Dec 6 13:20:00 EST 2012 A problem I run into in daily life quite often, is the inability to "open my mind" to a problem. It is a tendency to block out certain tasks by means of the sensation of boredom or despair, if there is no apparent next step to take. Practically this means an inability to concentrate on something that is inherently very complex, i.e. consists of a lot of specific, arcane details that all have to line up, without any "promise of success". I.e. "hopeless" situations. The sentiment of resistence or reluctance can be very strong. As if I'm avoiding a very strong pain, probably the pain of confusion. I'd like to find a way to break through this blockage. To find a way to open up. I remember what that feels like, and now I can clearly see that this open space is not there; I just want to run away from the task. Entry: Consciousness and Primordial Awareness Date: Fri Dec 7 23:44:09 EST 2012 See [1][2]. When I talk about "dropping out", I probably mean "primordial awareness". Comment from cmarti[2]: The reason people (by "people" I'm pointing mainly to we vipassana practitioners) get confused is that we are told "everything is subject to the three characteristics." Which is, of course, true as regards all objects you encounter... until you encounter a certain POV. Primordial awareness just IS. Period. As far as I can tell, it is the veritable definition of timelessness, so any reference to time of any sort is meaningless in regard to it. So I understand Jackson's confusion. I was confused about this for a while, too. Since primordial awareness is not an object it just doesn't adhere to the doctrine of the three characteristics. The timelessness and "just IS" properties are things I recognize from my own experience. "Things keep falling away. I didn't even realize they where there until they where gone." [3] Total certainty in uncertainty[3] [1] http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/page/Consciousness+and+Primordial+Awareness [2] http://kennethfolkdharma.wetpaint.com/thread/3860323/Responses+to+%22Consciousness+and+Primordial+Awareness%22 [3] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ902xaMxHk [4] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0x6yciYtK0 Entry: What is wrong with Buddhism Date: Sat Dec 8 18:51:40 EST 2012 Some lectures by Brian Ruhe. They are a bit over the top for me though.. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDI6VYAMzIA [2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_0hgAfCiGI [3] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pynsb4B6qHg [4] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT2BshrF_pQ Entry: Where? Date: Sat Dec 8 23:43:45 EST 2012 I have no idea.. Mostly confused and embedded. Tired, low energy. Low tolerance to talk and conceptualization and absolutes. Entry: Identify identification Date: Sun Dec 9 21:54:16 EST 2012 After last couple of day's stuckness, things feel more in harmony in today's sit. Day was quite embedded. Did a practice to identify identification, to see arising of the center. It can be subtle, and quite tricky. While I can identify the equanimous, centerless, direct perception, there are lots of patterns that pull back into the identified mode. The practice I've been doing recently is to find the moment. Following the breath I find difficult, since there is so much space to get distracted. Using Daniel's "shooting aliens" approach is a good way to move into a centerless mode - mind seems to get tired of constantly switching back to "this" and it will eventually just stay there, mostly - and from there is is possible to relax a bit and try to catch the arising of center in a direct way or indireclty as thought, investment, attachment, resentment, ... There have been situations where I find it really difficult to not fall into the trap. One is writing emails and having conversations. (And writing this log...) Another one is walking the dogs. Constant steering and subtle fear of being outside pop up and create center. EDIT: Reading the end of [1][2][3] p211. It mentions: In the Tibetan tradition, according to the Buddhist scholar Robert Thurman, the best time to observe the self clearly is when we are in a state of _injured innocence_, when we have been insulted and think "How could she do this to me? I don't deserve to be treated that way". It is this state, he says, that the "hard nut" of the self is best found; and the self cannot be truly understood, from a Buddhist perspective, until it is seen clearly as it appears. Further on it mentions how in working through, experiencing emotions is not the end point, it is to experience how they relate to the sense of self, how they get identified with "me" that is the imporant point of focus. [1] isbn://0465085857 [2] http://www.amazon.com/Thoughts-Without-Thinker-Psychotherapy-Perspective/dp/0465085857 [3] http://books.google.com/books?id=i25Yfb-OSFMC&pg=PA211&lpg=PA211&dq=%22according+to+the+buddhist+scholar+robert+thurman%22&source=bl&ots=4eTVCRWHKN&sig=nvpduV8rc5htaBx8mBTMvQITRKY&hl=en&sa=X&ei=dzfGULm6M8PvygG7k4D4CQ&ved=0CC4Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22according%20to%20the%20buddhist%20scholar%20robert%20thurman%22&f=false Entry: Deep jealousy Date: Sun Dec 9 22:12:44 EST 2012 I've been exposing a deep form of jealousy. Deep in a sense that it is not easy to be aware of in the moment, but triggeres often, quite obvious in retrospect, and wrecks havoc with state of calm. It seems mostly centered around lack of appreciation, and lack of social status and integration. It's interesting in that it seems to be quite strong, but hard to observe! Maybe not so odd in that strong emotions can take you on a spin, but things like anger are easier to identify than a subtly destructive feeling of jealousy. Maybe this is the next hill to climb after learning to identify resentment. Looking back, this feeling of jealousy has been there for a long time. My first memory is 5th or 6th grade. Tied very strongly to deep-rooted beliefs about stereotypes ("people like that / people like me"). It seems that the previous approach to this has been plain denial and disregard. EDIT: Jealoysy just arose out-of-the-blue watching[1], surprised me but then was seen as it is and immediately disappeared. It has a very dark, destructive, greedy feel to it. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nUjBgZVaS0 Entry: batgap Date: Mon Dec 10 21:41:17 EST 2012 Some interesting talks from Buddha at the Gas Pump. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJ902xaMxHk [2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0x6yciYtK0 [3] http://batgap.com/ilona-ciunaite-elena-nezhinsky/ [4] http://batgap.com/benjamin-smythe/ Entry: Remembering the humility Date: Mon Dec 10 23:59:24 EST 2012 Awe! [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nUjBgZVaS0 Entry: Triggers Date: Wed Dec 12 10:33:28 EST 2012 These days it seems simpler to perceive the triggers/patterns related to anger/resentment/yealousy/blame to kick in. The patterns are still very much there, but there seems to be a kind of "trigger-trigger" that goes like "hey, this is a hook!". It's amazing how powerful this trigger-trigger can be: the triggered emotion dissipates immediately, making room for a more balanced perspective. Entry: Blip after "not-my-problem" Date: Wed Dec 12 13:26:19 EST 2012 Saw appearance of the sensation of "ducking responsability" in clear light. Then a blip and a wide open field with the realization that this is pointless/destructive followed by with bliss and happiness and laughter. Most of my recent trigger-triggers are about similar things: interrupting the thought pattern that something "isn't my fault" so I should care or do anything. A tricky one! Entry: Mornings are different Date: Thu Dec 13 08:54:21 EST 2012 Very much embedded.. It takes some time to wake up in the ordinary sense before gaining access to the kind of moment-to-moment bare attention that has become clear over the last year. Patterns. This morning some deep patterns from the past triggered. Entry: Depressed, anxious state Date: Sat Dec 15 20:33:00 EST 2012 Finding myself in a fairly depressed, depleted state. Seems mostly induced by some recent unexpected, disturbing news. Been experimenting a bit with observing this state, and have spent time detached and (mostly) attached to it. It's embodyment is mostly in the stomach. It feels like anxiety. The main quality seems to be dispair, about mostly everything. Inability to focus and maintain. Absence of good ideas. Entry: Kranti Ananta - Buddha at the Gas Pump Interview Date: Tue Dec 18 14:25:05 EST 2012 [1]: It all comes home for truth. It wants to be free. Once this recognition is here, then everything that is not free in the system will come for this clarification. Any story about somebody else is a me-story. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=QZfwd6NeHhE Entry: Better Date: Tue Dec 18 14:25:21 EST 2012 As triggers get resolved one by one, I feel in a better place. Still pretty much conditioned on the presence of hope and the absence of unpredictability it seems.. Entry: Ben Smythe Date: Tue Dec 18 22:19:46 EST 2012 Guy's got the gift of words[1] Curiosity is the cure to insecurity. I highly recommend to investigate the belief in other, and the feeling of other in your physiology. Where's the other? Is there something you have to hide from people in order for them to give you what you want? [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsEtw5iXmx4 Entry: Dealing with other's ego stuff Date: Wed Dec 19 12:57:57 EST 2012 My own mental self-chatter has reduced a lot in the last year (I'm talking about the tip of the iceberg, the most obvious part. I realize that what I'm doing here is still chatter..). Only big shocks seem to trigger it these days. However, there is plenty of confrontation with other people's meaningless tip-of-the-iceberg chatter. It gives me plenty of aversion. How to deal with that? t's an interesting test case, since it both has the dualizing concept of "other" and a strong judgement of how things should / should not be, i.e. disagreement with reality. How to deal with the dualized part of realization = the construction of concepts following direct experience of the onion-peeling process? This is a good indication of how attached the mind is to forming opinions about everything, even if it is about "not forming opinions". Entry: Happy days Date: Wed Dec 19 23:52:00 EST 2012 Interestingly, I am feeling a lot lighter these past 2 days. Could be conditioned things. Spoke to family after getting some bad news, and getting some good news after the bad news. But I feel more connected to people somehow. As if some darkness has lifted. I'm experiencing more conceptual clarity about the dharma work. As if some paradoxes have disappeared. Some things are now more obiously labelled as "constructed". The self is created by the collection of _pointers_ of identification "x is mine", not the place they point to, which is empty. Anyways, just word games. Something that has left a mark is Ben Smythe's radiant personality after watching some of his videos. Entry: Adyashanti Date: Sun Dec 23 23:27:54 EST 2012 Enlightenment is not believing your own thoughts. [1] http://batgap.com/adyashanti/ Entry: Cycles Date: Sat Jan 5 23:57:55 EST 2013 Life is cycles. Currently fairly embedded. Feels mostly like obsession with a new endeavor and resentment or denial of ongoing stressors. My sense of reality is off. Might be the uncertain times, but I feel different in a fearful sense, not very stable. Meditation is hard. Hard to actually sit for longer than 10 minutes and stay focused. Entry: Suffering is identification Date: Mon Jan 7 23:54:54 EST 2013 and identification is suffering. It's getting a little scary, as if there are two ways of living life. One identified with "stuff", the other free from it. Pain is the teacher. Pain brings up identification and story, like nothing else, through resentment and self-pity. When it is most prominent, it is most recognizable. Once recognized, it is easily dropped, or drops itself; breaks open. Pain. Suffering. Snap. Oh, that's what it was like. Then time passes and things just snap back into plain old me. Entry: Impermanence and Not Self Date: Sat Jan 12 22:37:51 EST 2013 Last week I've seen a lot of this pattern: deep embedding in stress and worry, then a very sudden dropout. Like today. Much of the stress is people and opinions and patterns.. Reading [1], after the "impermanence" part. I had focus on the Not Self characteristic I looked at impermance and I saw a shift more clearly happening as described in MCTB "the thee doors"[2]. It might be a good excercise to try to see the 3 doors more clearly. From the description, I can only recognize the suffering door: The suffering door relates directly to “the mind” releasing its fixated hold on the whole of relative reality and allowing it to fall away, leaving “awareness” to discover itself. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/Hurricane+Ranch+DhO+First+Gathering+Transcript [2] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB%20The%20Three%20Doors Entry: Proper sit Date: Thu Jan 17 02:56:47 CET 2013 Proper sit after a cuple of hazy days. Didn't do much except for some on-the-road vipassana while traveling. 30 min sit. First 10 minutes where very noisy. Harsh vibrations. Not so great concentration. Second 10 minutes where intentional samatha with focus on pleasant sensation and direction to what I think is 5th jhana. I think I can now clearly see the transition from 4th to 5th as the appearance of darkness and falling away of some body sensations giving rise to a very "absorbed" feeling. This darkness might be related to turning the eyes back into the eye sockets, as there is a clear sensation of some eye muscles relaxing/stretching. This can trigger a blip. After 5th I think I touched 6th: there was a clear center to the experience (watcher?). Last 10 minutes where vipassana, with directed focus on the sense of self, which lead to a dropout experience. Interest in writing disappeared. Just wanted to sit, be. Future has no meaning, or no representation. It simply doesn't exist. Future is a thought, and this thought can cause the re-instantiation of self. Paying attention to the sensation of absence of that sensation of self after a dropout makes it easier to see when it re-appears, and it is usually a thought triggered by some kind of experience. Looking at a clock brings up the concept of time, which then triggers other thoughts, e.g. have-tos, to-dos, "after meditation I'm gonig to..." Entry: Social programming Date: Thu Jan 17 03:07:16 CET 2013 Social contact pushes me deeply into embedded state. Very hard to see through that sensation of aversion of "wanting to leave" some kind of social gathering with a group I didn't pick-and-choose myself. Since it is so strong it might be interesting to work on some techniques to turn this into an advantage. It is very unpleasant, moreover because the idea that "tuning out" into vipassana is not appropriate. It doesn't have to be like that. It can just be tuning into conversation, shared emotional states... Entry: Shift Date: Thu Jan 17 04:42:02 CET 2013 Shift after about half an hour in the bed, trying to go to sleep but failing, so alternating between concentration and insight practice. There was some attachment to getting up and surfing the web, so I took that desire as an object which created an interesting experience, probably a dropout. Experience is overshadowed by what happened about 10 minutes ago when I turned on the light and got online on my phone to read a part of MCTB. While reading Daniel's website, out of the blue, there was a shift which felt quite profound. Looking at my hands the difference between this and that disappeared in a strong way, leaving a pure and calm now with profound feeling of beauty. It reminds me of the first couple of times I had a dropout experience somewhere in march/april last year. I wanted to stay in bed but thought it might be good to at least record the occurance and the associated feeling of profoundness and deep calm. Entry: Dishonesty Date: Thu Jan 24 14:18:16 CET 2013 Dishonesty disappears in the face of death. Plenty of self-referencing going on, with most of it being quite subtle. These days are fairly embedded, strongly exposed by death-realated suffering and the observation of how it affects self and the display of self in others. Entry: Fear of death and loss Date: Fri Jan 25 16:17:22 CET 2013 Fear of loss (of loved ones) creates a tension between holding on to "my life", and letting go of that hold, when things are going well, i.e. when there is a lot of enjoyment in "my life". It's easier when "my life" is going badly (the shallow attachments like work, money, things going your way...) but there are no inter-personal issues (deep attachments). It's easy to just swap in the shallow attachments and replace them by deep ones, to get a good feeling anyway. This is what is called "relativering" in Dutch, or putting things in perspective. Dropping of fundamental, deep attachment is different. It requires a much more profound form of surrender. Up to now it seems to be only triggered when everything is going badly, both shallow and deep attachments. Only then the mind seems to let go. The pattern I saw this week is replacing unfulfilled deep attachment with shallow attachment, which clearly feels dangerous and unbalanced. Entry: Low tide Date: Sun Jan 27 01:01:28 CET 2013 Weak mindfulness. Deep embedding. Having trouble completing a full 30 minute sit. Being swept away with thoughts of "after meditation", "I'm done with this crap.". At some point I set out to start afresh, to try to isolate the stages of insight, starting with mind and body, to clearly see when thinking starts. Seeing body isn't so hard, but seeing mind is harder, seeing the onset of thoughts doesn't work well. Current observation gets interrupted by blinks that seem to even be linked to eye saccades or de-focusing. I'm having a lot of fun working these days. There is a strong attachment to the stream of little victories that's going on right now which makes it hard to step out of that roller coaster. Maybe this is not a time for formal meditation. Maybe throughout mindfulness is a better approach. Reading MCTB 7 factors[1] again. Starts with mindfulness. Starts with noting. Maybe it's time to go back to the exact instructions: The practice is this: make a quiet, mental one-word note of whatever you experience in each moment. Try to stay with the sensations of breathing, noting these quickly as “rising” (as many times as the sensations of the breath rising are experienced) and then “falling” in the same way. This could also be considered fundamental insight practice instructions. When the mind wanders, notes might include “thinking,” “feeling,” “pressure,” “tension,” “wandering,” “anticipating,” “seeing,” “hearing,” “cold,” “hot,” “pain,” “pleasure,” etc. Note these sensations one by one as they occur and then return to the sensations of breathing. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB%20Mindfulness%20as%20First%20Factor%20of%20Enlightenment Entry: Success is demotivating Date: Tue Jan 29 11:13:57 CET 2013 Interesting how reaching a certain goal can make you uninterested in all that lead to it, while failure makes you focus on the process more. The thing seems to be to forget success as fast as possible (just like failure) and continue the process. Entry: Lost Date: Tue Jan 29 22:09:42 CET 2013 I'm lost. Can't focus. Can't find the breath. Maybe this needs a little more goal-oriented approach. Following Nikolai's advice: focus on the "selfing", to let the drop out guide the process. Look closer at where it is important. This also seems to be heavily "context-tagged". I.e. I'm experiencing a dropout right now, just by writing the paragraph before. Entry: Mindfulness throughout the day Date: Sat Feb 2 22:17:59 CET 2013 Since I can't practice on the cusion, I'm doing mindfulness excercises any time I am able and think of it. Focus on the "selfing process", the identificiation and its effect the arising of tension. Current challenges are identification with anxiety / agoraphobia. Went to conference and by the end of the day I was getting pretty stuck in awkwardness, which seems to be some kind of non-present autopilot behavior for avoiding the discomfort of being amongst a large crowd that's not just anonymous (i.e. no really there anyway..) Entry: Silly sense of accomplishment Date: Sat Feb 2 22:24:17 CET 2013 It's like I want to give things to the world, but the world doesn't want them. Maybe I need to turn that around. I want to make things that somehow trigger a sense of awe in myself, and then want to get the same thing from others. Look ma, no hands! Entry: Social anxiety Date: Sat Feb 2 22:28:23 CET 2013 Weird how it shifts perspective. After such a busy day, I just want to go home and be quiet. And the first hour or so is really good that way. Then comes the emptyness. Disconnect from the world, disconnect from the being. I think it's time to self diagnose as serious dark night syndrome.. Entry: Shinzen Young on the Category Theory metaphore Date: Tue Feb 5 00:47:21 CET 2013 [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSobyZjJSvs Entry: Shinzen Young on turning off attention Date: Tue Feb 5 01:07:01 CET 2013 Paraphrased: I don't know what to do with my meditation. Confusion is good. The part that controls attention is maximally activated at that time. - Let whatever happens, happen. - When you're aware of an intention to control your attention, drop that intention. If noting makes you racy, try to do nothing. If do nothing makes you spacy, try noting. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZ6cdIaUZCA Entry: Shift Date: Wed Feb 6 00:44:27 CET 2013 Profound shift. Hard to describe. Mushroom cloud? Some images of "Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet" and how it once seemed so real, but is obviously not in correspondence with reality, i.e. my dad throwing candy in the room, wearing a black glove and sleeved vest, showing only his arm around the corner or through the door, and us as kids being totally surprised and in awe about what happened. Feeling a bit more normal now. Seems like it was a samatha thingy. EDIT: After the shift I was completely blissed out. Today (day after) felt normal though. EDIT: This was as a consequence to the do-nothing techique. "Zooming out of self". Entry: Working with "Ick" ~ Stephanie Nash Date: Thu Feb 7 01:08:07 CET 2013 [1] http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL845240BD38B47406 Entry: Upset.. inevitably the self returns, right? Date: Fri Feb 8 23:29:49 CET 2013 [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6kkjMD8T8VM&list=PLpWI1yEIe1nESIiX5PpIrFK1URX0BQcx8&index=4 Entry: Sahaja samadhi Date: Sat Feb 9 00:43:09 CET 2013 How to get back? By not trying to get back. By completely affirming the re-arising of the personal self. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=uvFfpSl06r4#t=1941s [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sahaja Entry: Waves in my left foot Date: Sat Feb 9 00:58:17 CET 2013 Weird things.. In "passing through" a concentrated state, the last few days I feel a tingling wave in my left leg moving into my left foot where it causes a jittery, quite pronounced "thrill". Entry: Sailor Bob Adamson, Non Duality Melbourne Style Date: Mon Feb 11 22:37:32 CET 2013 (paraphrased) If you know that you can stop seeking, the task is then to try to see what is obscuring the direct realization of being already there. What can you say without a thought? Dzogchen translation is "the great perfection". Non-conceptual awareness. The mind doesn't want simplicity. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=endscreen&v=zYemUTExOpI [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dzogchen Entry: Days vs. nights Date: Tue Feb 12 11:24:40 CET 2013 I still wake up embedded, and deeply so. The night doesn't have the burdon of "things to do", leaving more room for simplicity. How to see through the obscurity of the chop wood, carry water? Is it because all of these dayly tasks are cognitive loads instead of physical loads (chop, carry) ? Entry: Before sit Date: Sat Feb 16 23:20:31 CET 2013 Not much formal sitting in these days. Mostly inbetween mindfulness. Mostly focusing on arising of "thick slice" embedding, identification. Some mindfulness before bed, but I feel I'm stuck in a single stage, mostly fear. Monsters watching in the dark. Pretty strong images even. All remind me of "thatrical, directed horror" used in movies, not deep, dark, evil, "real" horror. Sounds like dark night, fear stage. That's about it. Every time I do get into directed concentration, it goes deep very quickly. So let's see. Going to do a 30 minute formal sit. -- Love is giving it all away and becoming a world without suffering. Weird sit. At three minutes I was calmed down, proceeded with choiceless awareness and noting. Saw many things, confusion, equanimity, fear and misery. All very unstable, up to a point where there was much fear, then remebered love and focused on love and things grew bigger and exploded up to me verbalizing "wow". During this process of explosion, the words I wrote down above came originally from "Love is giving something and expecting nothing in return but seeing the world's suffering lessen (as reward)." but became bigger, more encompassing, deeper until there was a deep deep resonance with the idea that love IS giving to the everything that is me. Something like that. Trippy stuff. Moving from "reward system" to "obviously just giving to the all-encompassing center of good things". Yep, going nuts now :) Entry: Dharma doing me Date: Thu Feb 21 21:36:59 CET 2013 More and more there are strange experiences, clearly different from ordinary life, where it seems as if something just comes up from inside, blossoms open, takes me on a ride and leaves me sitting there a bit baffled and humbled. It's all getting a bit hard to describe. Less under control. Feels more like insanity. On the outside it all seems fine, but the inside is full on swinging between different ways of looking. Necker cube strobe.. Entry: Meditation is babysitting awareness Date: Fri Feb 22 21:23:28 CET 2013 [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOvftIwT0Q4 Entry: Why does working feel normal? Date: Fri Feb 22 21:33:22 CET 2013 I.e. being absorbed in some (mental) task? And in contrast, why does sitting still feel so strange? As if nothing is as it seems? Entry: Zen and the Brain Date: Sat Feb 23 10:30:50 CET 2013 [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEIXijQctlQ Entry: Power of joy Date: Sun Feb 24 22:08:57 CET 2013 Got stuck in a rut. Deeply embedded. What seems to help in situations like this is to see the delight and joy in other people. It is contagious :) Anyays, one of the things that seems to happen is a self-centered focos on self. A not quite seeing of the identification process, but pseudo-seeing it, constructing the observation of it. Got in a bit of a dark space. Raw, unsatisfactory. Then I got absorbed into some head stuff. Did a little 10 minute sit. Going to do a little more before bed. Entry: 3 speed Date: Thu Feb 28 23:54:42 CET 2013 1. Mindfulness of the body (vipassana) 2. To whom is this happening? (advaita vedanta[2], or Zen, Hua Tou[3]) 3. Recognize essential nature of mind, what is already done Go to third gear first and downshift when it doesn't get traction. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WE6URCUmKIg [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advaita_Vedanta [3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hua_Tou Entry: Fear of death - to be wrong is the death of an idea Date: Fri Mar 8 21:57:40 EST 2013 Identification with ideas. Quite profound actually. [1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvcI5m1-aQ4 Entry: Sleep strengthens ego Date: Mon Mar 11 21:47:52 EDT 2013 Something that popped in my mind after waking up from a nap today. Sleep seems to cause a snap back into embedding with strong, solid ego. Entry: Forced into identity by social contact Date: Tue Mar 12 09:41:03 EDT 2013 One of those things that has puzzled me for my entire life. It seems that (maybe due to prolonged isolation?) two distinct centers of identification have formed: one from being alone, maybe shaped by desires and "free" thought patterns and one from being among people, maybe shaped by feedback, i.e. the perception of personality projected back by other people. In the deconstruction process of the last 1.5 year, it is mostly the former that has been driven a bit into the background, or is taken less seriously: it is now more clear that bouts of identification are simply that - identification - and not me. However, in the presence of other people this is much harder to identify. I guess the same goes here as for the other manifestation: practice. Practice observation of the construct arising in those particular situations. Entry: DhO fav threads Date: Sun Mar 17 22:20:40 EDT 2013 http://dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/3015265#_19_message_4034527 Entry: Blip classification Date: Thu Mar 28 01:57:14 EDT 2013 Kenneth Folk on DhO [1]: The quick, clean blip is a dukkha (suffering) cessation. The smoother, slippery ones are anatta (no-self). No-self cessations can be extended to long periods of time. Dukkha cessations are always momentary as far as I know. The third door to nibbana is the anicca (impermanence) door. ... And it can be extended for several seconds at a time, possibly more. But it is unlike the other two types of cessations in that it feels like you are being quickly and smoothly vibrated in and out of nibbana. It's the first description I read about the three doors that I can actually relate to. For me, the fast blips usually come when focusing on the inherent "restlessness", it makes sense this is the suffering door. The slippery, gradual cessation I recognize too. It can take up to say 10-15 minutes, and it is a conscious one. I.e. there is "primordial" awareness. The ipmermanence ones I think I saw too. At least I recognize the vibrating in and out of something, and the tricky nature of it. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/101334 Entry: 3 doors Date: Mon Apr 1 10:54:39 EDT 2013 More about the doors. Impermanence is scary. I think I saw it today, trying to look for the no-self door, which I haven't seen for a while, trying to ignore the suffering door, which happens a lot by itself by just entering concentration on immediate suffering with the intention to see it clearly to realize its inherent transitory nature, and its being kept in existence or constant retriggering by attachment. Anyways, trying to put words to this or to interpret, but what seems to be going on is that I'm in 1st path review, where the suffering door is clear, but the no-self door and the impermanence door are not. Not sure why this is taking so long, as I seem to have rushed to first path, but after that got kind of stuck. It seems as if the thing to focus on is impermanence, not no-self. Impermanence is the "scary" door. That is clear. From reading [1] again and comparing it with Kenneth's from last post, I'm confused. Too much interpretation... [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB%20The%20Three%20Doors Entry: Not following the swirl Date: Wed Apr 3 16:31:10 EDT 2013 Tried to watch what is there with the eyes closed, and found that "following" the visual spots and swirls is like following a thought that goes on a tangent. Constantly coming back to the center allows the swirls to die out, instead of them taking awareness into the point where they disappear and produce confusion. Once I started to look at the beginning of the swirl with a very high frequency, a great bliss came over me and a popping into awareness of the mode I was seeking, coming from a very uncomfortable, fearful, discontented, untrusting state. Thoughts are very visual. Maybe that is a way to look at them. I also noticed that something is situated behind my right eye. Some blind spot, in the sense of visual representation. I've been having a lot of fearful awakenings lately (literally, from sleep). Coming back to reality and feeling out-of-place with life, as if it is all a dream. This combined with fear and confusion. It took me a couple of days to bring up the courage to sit. It really takes a deep dive into the pain to see it comes from attachment. There is knowing this rationally, and there is knowing it experientially. Only the latter can make it dissipate. I found what was blocking after about a 15 minute sit. There was a stream of something dragging me along. Once this dragging of attention was seen, the point of "departure" could be seen more clearly, and the dragging eventually disappeared. Seeing it took away its power. Funny how ideas aren't really ideas in a verbal sense. Seems my memory and representation form really is quite visual, taking analogies of physical processes to represent concepts instead of words and sentences. That realization might help future practice a bit. Entry: Stuckness Date: Mon Apr 8 00:31:33 EDT 2013 Looks like this is the end of about a week of stuckness, with a couple of bright spots here and there. Last couple of days were particularly bad. Hard to say what shook me out of it.. It happened after a conversation which had the frustration as a subject. Entry: Accepting depression Date: Sun Apr 28 12:12:42 EDT 2013 Maybe "depression" isn't the right term, though I'm experiencing this pattern triggered by expectation and future-oriented thinking that seems to kick me into a mode of dispair, where I do not take interest in the ongoing unfolding of events, but just want to run away from it all, taking refuge deep inside a "me" that is perceived separate from the world or the image of the world. It is a state that makes little sense. It is viral in the sense that it is self-stabilizing. Keeping the focus on the internal gloom and doom really seems to create something enjoyable. The "woe is me" thing.. Entry: ReWire (iPhone) Date: Mon Apr 29 15:47:33 EDT 2013 Just note gone. [1] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2013/04/bg-283-rewiring-meditation-for-the-digital-age/ [2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-7LXHjGHfM [3] http://rewireapp.com/ Entry: EEG stuff Date: Mon Apr 29 16:02:45 EDT 2013 [1] http://www.interaxon.ca/muse/ [2] http://insanebraintrain.blogspot.com/2012_07_01_archive.html [3] https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9IyLjPYAVCYYmQ4YjY3NGYtMGQ0NC00N2RhLTgxZDAtY2ZlOGE4YWExYjY0/edit [4] http://www.cns-wellness.com/brain-based-interventions/tcds [5] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2013/04/bg-283-rewiring-meditation-for-the-digital-age/ Entry: Day creates duality Date: Mon Apr 29 23:09:18 EDT 2013 Something is wrong with the day. I can't point the finger at it, but it has something to do with expectation, about how things should be, and distraction. Entry: Discontinuity of thought Date: Tue Apr 30 18:08:06 EDT 2013 Post-calamity[1]. [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U._G._Krishnamurti Entry: There's something about the sound of fans Date: Thu May 2 00:17:47 EDT 2013 Maybe because the noise masks out anything else.. It seems to attract jhana-like states. Entry: Ebb and flow Date: Sun May 5 19:08:55 EDT 2013 Mood swings. Fear. Not much stability. Every time the high hits I'm thinking: it's actually alright, next time I'm not going to be sliding into the deep again. And then a bit later I just slide in. Part of the exercise is to look at those good times, and to see the attachment in the feeling of detachment. All this, so circular.. Entry: Ego death Date: Wed May 8 13:04:37 EDT 2013 Breaking through that layer of embedding when it is strong, is a very painful experience. The bottom line really is attachment, but it can be so blinding that only the pain it causes can be seen. Usually there seems to be something or other, some kind of "should be" that prevents the tether to self to be released. Once it happens, a broad feeling of wellness arises. I wonder, what are the triggers? Because I am suffering a lot these days. Nothing is going according to plan, and I don't find joy. Deep in the dark night? Ambition only leads to suffering. So, is there anything I can do next time? Once inside, it seems that nothing can really help. Once it is seen that surrender is the only way out, it comes by itself. How to persist in giving up? Entry: Fruition in dream Date: Thu May 16 10:33:26 EDT 2013 I had a fruition in a dream last night. Was dreaming I was driving a car to the next town, sun was shining. Pretty much a scene from the day before. All of a suddon, everything opened up. It had that same quality of constricted to open, self to no-self but it was quite intense. Entry: Dharma Integration: getting overwhelmed Date: Thu May 16 13:00:57 EDT 2013 How to live life? The key element in my day-to-day experience seems to be getting overwhelmed. Let's dissect that a bit. It is a feeling of confusion and despair when a lot of conflicting stimuli enter the field of experience. It is always attached to some kind of "hard constraint", a desire or expectation that is deemed important or even essential. It has that element of fear of death associated to it: there will be terror if the particular constraint is not satisfied. The major element here is money: managing the risk of running out without getting into too many other undesirable situations. The main idea that pops up in a situation of being overwhelmed, is "how to make it go away?". The trick seems to be to not make it go away, but to accept it. Accept the impossibility of satisfying all constraint. The imposibility of avoiding certain events in the future. Trust the ability to deal with situations as they present themselves. Entry: Jealousy Date: Thu May 23 20:13:17 EDT 2013 Of the pride family. An interesting sensation. It's been a while since I felt it, but it sure is strong when it hits. Entry: Beginner's mind Date: Mon May 27 12:43:05 EDT 2013 Starting over. Looks like I was really getting mislead by the idea of "having" stream entry. The reality is, getting review fruitions is not straightforward. I do get blips a lot, but the conscious "ego drop" moments are more rare. I had been slacking. Picking up a more strict meditation schedule does seem to help a lot. There's a bunch of "stuff" going around these days, so plenty of turbulence to watch. Identification is strong. The process of how identification "snaps in" becomes noticable. It's like putting on a VR helmet, being tele-ported into a different reality. It becomes more clear that focus on the present field of sensations is where it's at. Most prominently, this seems to install a defence agains being swept away by thoughts and (much stronger) worries. I also saw curiosity as a "greedy" sensation. It is a happy greedy sensation though, not a dark greedy one. Entry: Long commute Date: Tue Jun 4 23:19:45 EDT 2013 Practice while driving? Every time I drive I do awareness of the whole visual field simultaneously, it's a really good practice for driving and walking because you usually become more coordinated and effective but also supremely relaxed and alert. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/3810520?_19_threadView=flat Entry: Moving forward? Date: Mon Jun 10 10:12:57 EDT 2013 Strong dark night episode. Very strong resentment about current life situation. Low energy. General depressed state. Did a lot of meditation the last couple of days, and the general gloomy feeling does lift when piercing through that thick, thick layer of self. Shifts occur when this layer is pierced. An incredible source of peace is below that surface of strong identification. I've been hunting identification, with a little success. Staring directly at how the process of identification arises seems a good approach. Main idea that keeps holding strong: if there is any tension, there is something in the field of experience that is not seen clearly, acting as an unconscious anchor. Entry: The Yogi Toolbox: Discerning The Three Perceptions Date: Mon Jun 10 11:02:41 EDT 2013 [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-yogi-toolbox-discerning-three.html Entry: Task-aversion Date: Mon Jun 10 11:08:44 EDT 2013 Very strong aversion to any kind of action being perceived as coming from "outside". No problem with acting on ideas that come from "inside". The split is causing a lot of suffering. It is easy to abstract what is going on, but hard to step out of it. It is remarkable how thick the aversion-resentment can get. Piercing through it takes time and creates a lot of space. Also, it seems that any amount of unconsciousness allows it to be re-instated quite quickly. Entry: Motivation and Curiosity Date: Thu Jun 13 12:43:22 EDT 2013 Lot's of mind states come and go on a seemingly arbitrary basis. Apart from the negative ones such as despair and aversion, the same is true for motivation and curiosity. Lately the patterns related to "have to" have become more clear. Aversion is a prime one. Also some form of greed for approval is quite prominent. It is also aversion to not being able to control the curiosity vs. aversion wave that causes a lot of grief. I wonder if the aversion is necessary to just take a break and let the mind re-organize itself. A "too much information" safety valve. Entry: Not to change Date: Sun Jun 23 16:06:38 EDT 2013 From [1]: Most people spend nearly all their energy trying not to change. This is what the philosopher [sic] William James meant when he wrote the mind’s main function was to be a fortress for protecting your ego from reality. When the mind has to accommodate a new fact, James argued, it doesn’t settle on the change to its model of reality that is most likely to reflect reality. It protects the fortress, calculating the smallest possible modification to its bulwarks that can account for the new fact. [1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5928907 Entry: Anger is in the lips Date: Sun Jun 30 20:17:09 EDT 2013 Last couple of weeks I've had a tremor in the right part of my upper lip. It is quite similar to the tremor in my left foot where my toes fork off, which started about 4 months ago. I notice a subtle sensation of trying to control it. When I let it go it goes stronger and leads to something that feels like anger / reaction to injustice. I've been experiencing perceptual shifts - suddon drops into "now" interleaving current intense mental work. Accompanied by a sensation of expectation and dread. Something about to happen that might be significant. That feeling of being on the verge of something is strong. Sometimes it dissolves in what feels like a near miss, accompanied with some relaxation and shift in perspective - e.g. things feeling more normal, at ease. Interpretation: I'm expecting something to happen. The only thing that makes or lets something happen is to dive into pure sensation: identify the "hold on" thought or expectation and let it free. Mostly this letting go is just scary. Sometimes it pops a little, which might be another review fruition. Nothing really changes in perception, just a reminder of the distinction between pure sensation and embedding in a flow of time, and "life". Still in first path review looks like. Entry: It's not possible to progress when tied down Date: Sun Jul 14 17:31:24 EDT 2013 Meaning, even with past realization, it is still possible to "choose" the attachment, or be tricked by it. ( Somehow it does feel like a choice, avoiding the pain jolt of letting go, of going through a little death. ) In a practical sense I've had a couple of weeks of deep embedding in work and a buildup of impossible expectation that pushed me near a breaking point, making it hard to ignore. I spent more time actively meditating, even though the act of sitting was very hard and I did give up frequently, and even though my mind went all over the place. After two days of a little active meditation and a lot of ongoing "monitoring" of the arising of stress jolts and inner dialogue, I do feel a little more free from it. As if I've come back to the point from where actual progress is possible; the life stuff had been clouding this. There is a great peace in the moment, but also a great sadness, a mourning of not choosing that which is now known to be unsatisfactory. A great void remains, a lot of space to fill up. Entry: Fear and anger Date: Mon Jul 22 13:37:19 EDT 2013 I've had a twitch in my upper lip for a couple of weeks. Yesterday I zoomed into that, and it turned into a full upper lip curl remeniscent of strong sensations of anger/disguist. Zooming in lead to a strong focus on anger and hate, very antagonistic state of mind. Noticed some temptation to give in to the anger. Tried to observe it, but noticed a strong tendency to want to control it, i.e. not to give in and project love into the darkness. It was all quite intense. I sat staring out the window for a bit afterward. Earlier this weekend I also noticed some disproportional frustration/anger release. Interpretation: seems I'm blocking a natural flow of anger out of fear for where it takes me. Acceptingt that core sensation of anger is hard, as there seems to be always some element of control or fear to have the anger take over. I don't trust the anger out of fear it will damage things. Entry: Interest / Boredom Date: Thu Jul 25 10:17:48 EDT 2013 Interesting how that mechanism works. Makes me want to investigate the relation between process-oriented attachment (enjoying a work process) vs. goal-oriented attachment. Often a lot of suffering is removed when the latter is transformed into the former. But what makes a process enjoyable? Entry: Learning to love confusion Date: Thu Jul 25 11:33:52 EDT 2013 This is a tough one. Confusion is very uncomfortable, and discomfort seems to be directly proportional to the importance of the task that caused the confusion in the first place. Maybe it's the death of misconceptions that actually causes the pain; i.e. the realization that a particular set of ideas can not be trusted. It is like betrayal. Entry: Off-cushion Date: Wed Jul 31 15:23:39 EDT 2013 I'm noticing more the effect of meditation off-cusion. Sitting sessions aren't too spectacular, but if I sit more during one or two days, interesting experiences pop up during the days after that. Most recognizable is self drop-out, not as spectacular as the first couple of times, but pretty clear as it is contrasted with hyper-absorbed goal-driven work-day stuff. Only lasts a couple of seconds. Entry: Going off the rails.. Date: Sun Sep 1 12:28:12 EDT 2013 Fear is filling my days. Still hard to acknowledge it. Nothing to fear but fear itself, so true.. Intentially accepting fear exposes some of its allies: procrastination, and reluctance to slow down and breathe. Entry: Growing up Date: Wed Sep 11 00:27:37 EDT 2013 I find myself in the awkward position of realizing that a lot of my current suffering is created by desire for things i cannot have, but not being able to move past that. The previous bane was defintely resentment, which has faded a bit. I no longer blame anyone for anything, at least not for long periods of time. This is now intercepted more easily. However, the self-blame is still there. The sensation by itself is harder to take serious now, but it seems to be a symptom of a strong self-centered view. As if body-mind is resisting against insight, ego death. Time to die again. And again And again Until it feels natural? Entry: OK because I can't do anything about it Date: Thu Sep 26 17:30:50 EDT 2013 Identified one of the central traits of worry: I worry because there *might* be something I can do to get the thing I want. Once there is nothing to be done about it, acceptance is a lot easier. It's the lure of possibility that is most entrenching. Possibility to make something good happen, or prevent something bad from happening. The former is the "additive" kind, can be quite obsessive and somewhat detrimental, but it is easier to identify as silly. I.e. can live without a good thing. The latter one is more anchored to the idea that living with a bad thing is horrendous. This is a bit harder to overcome. Guilt plays a much bigger role there: did I do enough? Am I to blame for this? Once it's clear that there is no blame to assign, the judgment often disappears as in "nothing left to do; time to move on". Entry: Hurricane Ranch talk Date: Fri Sep 27 16:59:45 EDT 2013 Daniel at [3] 13:30 about "in the seeing just the seen"[4]. [1] http://www.pragmaticdharma.com/2011/01/hurricane-ranch-dialogue-part-1/ [2] http://www.pragmaticdharma.com/2011/01/hurricane-ranch-dialogue-part-2/ [3] http://www.pragmaticdharma.com/2011/01/hurricane-ranch-dialogue-part-3/ [4] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB+The+Non-Duality+Model?p_r_p_185834411_title=MCTB+The+Non-Duality+Model Entry: Just drop it Date: Sat Sep 28 19:14:27 EDT 2013 Somewhere from Daniel's [1] videos, actually here[2], he mentions to "just drop it". Tried that today, and it seems that at this point, it leads me past a block that seems to be going on. Somehow it has become obvious that tuning into impermance is where I need to look next, and focusing on just dropping gives a glance to that, somewhat from the other side as "note gone" (Shinzen Young). Direct focus on emptiness doesn't seem to do it these days. Too much distraction, little concentration. It's as if I can see it clearly only for a moment, then get swept away. Focus on dropping installs a different kind of hook; it colours attention to look for attachment. So maybe this is a good time to focus on emptyness and impermance at the same time. According to MCTB, when both qualities are perceived simultaneously, a fruition occurs (3 doors: emptiness, impermance and suffering) I never was able to relate this to any of my experiences of going through a fruition, except for the "fluttering" thing in a focus on impermance which didn't really feel like a fruition. The frution I know is the profound dropping of the sensation of self. It's been absent for a while. About half a year. [1] http://www.youtube.com/user/empty0grace?feature=watch [2] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW59tR3GxYY Entry: So why is life so sticky these days? Date: Sat Sep 28 19:30:41 EDT 2013 Confronted with a lot of uncertainty and experience of fear and doubt. Dissonance between the positive idea of life progressing in the right direction on one side, and the inability to deal with the mental turmoil caused by aversion to the associated practical process on the other. Mostly insecurity I guess. What does insecurity really feel like? It seems to somehow be related to an imagined physical threat. Even if the subject is entirely non-physical (e.g. loss of money, having to perform certain undesireable actions). It is very much a high-order fear. Maybe that is why it is so sticky. A fear of having to face aversion. Sounds so bizar putting it in words.. It has very much an in/out quality to it. Inside the bubble, there is suffering. Outside it all seems a bit silly. I'm experiencing both, and am puzzled why the contrast is so stark. Entry: Ingram's macho style Date: Sat Sep 28 20:25:18 EDT 2013 Doesn't work very well for me. It seems that sitting with the rawness is just too much. Better to first calm down a bit, then do vipassana. I simply can't concentrate when there's too much dissatisfaction. It's fluff dissatisfaction also: goes away when concentration is there. Entry: identification Date: Sun Oct 6 12:07:37 EDT 2013 been trying to catch the process of identification. it's easiest to catch when i'm doing things i "like" and somehow "frustration" pops up. sounds contradictory, right? well that's exactly what makes it a bit easier to recognize, that tension of judgement. suddenly it is clear that the particular thing that is driving the frustration or the like isn't "of me", and a very clear all-body release takes its place. it's also easier to recognize when things i "don't like" go from bad to worse. i.e. when absurdity becomes obvious and it is easier to let go in that ordinary meaning of not caring, really. catching the negative outfall of the not caring makes room for again seeing the identification, negative identification in this sense: "that things is *definitely not* me", i.e. the creation of strong duality, separation of this and that. the middle part i have a lot more trouble with: work, and expectation, and the idea that's in the background that "this is for money". somehow it creates a construct that forces me to "submit in anger", not the other meaning of submitting which is to recognize that the difference between "this" and "that" is just a construct to not be taken as too solid. Entry: Strong Aversion Date: Thu Oct 10 14:06:15 EDT 2013 Don't know what hit me. Maybe some circumstances pushed me into an unreasonably strong aversion towards pretty much everything. As if I'm wearing cold, wet clothes that I just cant get out of.. Entry: Morning Date: Mon Oct 28 11:45:23 EDT 2013 Still there: strong aversion to do anything in the morning. Most seems to be related to absence of intrinsic motivation, i.e. being somehow forced to do something I don't see bringing any short-time benefit. This part takes courage.. Maybe it is time to incorporate quiet sitting in the work day? Since the goal is to make things better and to get clarity, it might actually make a lot of sense. Entry: Bad dark night.. Date: Sun Dec 1 18:26:48 EST 2013 Yeah it sucks.. I'm pretty much stuck. It's been going on for a while now. Stopped frequent meditation early 2013 when getting into some (positive) obsession. Then got a severe backlash lasting since say April. Entry: INTJ Date: Mon Dec 16 18:27:54 EST 2013 Did one of those Jungian 16-bin personality tests again. I'm an INTP[1] married to an ENFP[2]. Hamming distance of 2 :) Been thinking a lot about introversion. It seems to hit in periods. At this point in time I find it terribly exhausting to interact with people, or more generally any kind of "external unpredictability". Very much looking for the long tail, not the quick distraction. It is as if in those times, creativity needs to flow out instead of in. I need to _do_ things. Get in the flow. Be left alone for very long periods of time. Some of that is coming, soon. [1] http://www.personalitypage.com/INTP.ht [2] http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html Entry: Practice Date: Mon Dec 16 18:44:46 EST 2013 Intended to keep things going after we closed the house. Was getting really bogged down. Found out meditation helps, but can't seem to keep it up. Sitting down is too frightening or otherwise painful. Entry: Loosing concentration Date: Tue Dec 17 00:11:03 EST 2013 Today I did a boring job: manual data entry. A bit of an insult to a professional automator :) Anyway, the mindlessness of the job did bring me to some kind of raw awareness that doesn't arise in thinking jobs, or in jobs that allow the mind to wander, like doing the dishes. Somehow it had just the right amount of mental load and focus to keep away the wander but still cause intense boredom after a while. It was when the concentration fell away that the boredom really started. The mind wanting to escape from the stranglehold. The struggle. The pressure. The dragging. The pain. The resentment. The point I want to make is that particular "falling apart" is and always has been intensely uncomfortable for me. It is where my megalomanic self image (illusion of mental omnipotence) breaks down most clearly. And it hurts. And I try to ignore it but continue anyway. And then it hutrs more. Next time, maybe it is a good idea to try to observe the sensation of "loosing concentration". How to concentrate on loosing concentration? The classical advice is to become aware of wandering and bring the mind back to the breath or other resting point without resistance. It seems that most of the problem here is that "loosing concentration" means something like "the mind _really_ wants to be somewhere else now". So, let's turn this into a practice. Whenver confusion or distraction arises and it or it's effects are noticed, focus on the sensation of confusion or the tension it creates. Entry: Heart Date: Sat Dec 21 01:48:13 EST 2013 Blown off my socks by this[1]. Technique: normal noting: note whatever arises, but once something is noted, focus on the heart / chest area briefly and go back to noting what arises. Experiences: widened field of presence, spanning the sensation of residing in the head with residing in the whole upper torso area. Feelings of disorientation. Clear flashes of moment-to-moment impermanence followed by fear. Some very strong deep sufferying / crying sensations, but without the usual co-arising desperation. Weird shit! Calm afterward. Reading web, watching video. Focused state is different. Did some perceptiual threshold change? [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/discussion/-/message_boards/message/94037?_19_redirect=%2Fweb%2Fguest%2Fdiscussion%2F-%2Fmessage_boards%2Fsearch%3F_19_redirect%3D%252Fweb%252Fguest%252Fdiscussion%26_19_breadcrumbsCategoryId%3D0%26_19_breadcrumbsMessageId%3D0%26_19_searchCategoryId%3D0%26_19_searchCategoryIds%3D0%26_19_threadId%3D0%26_19_keywords%3Dnikolai%2Bstephen%2Bhalay%26_19_delta%3D20%26_19_advancedSearch%3Dfalse%26_19_andOperator%3Dtrue%26cur%3D28 Entry: No escape Date: Fri Dec 27 19:59:21 EST 2013 There is no escape. I'm sick with worry at this time. Worry is such that it clouds your judgements. Overrides the idea that "all is well". I'm having a hard time with worry and trust these days. The interesting thing is that the worry seems to be about other people, but at the core it is really about future pain, the pain of conflict, of loss, of change. At the heart is also the distrust in self about being able to handle a particular situation. I'm quite confused these days. There seems to be no ground in things. Entry: Image Date: Sat Dec 28 21:58:02 EST 2013 It's become quite clear that a lot of current frustration is rooted for 90% in an obsession with what people think of me. Of what I am supposed to be, whatever that means.. Something is not right with my self-image. Or rather, I'm in a phase where I want to define myself, while at the same time thinking / knowing that this is completely absurd. The urge is very strong. The tendency to define is getting in the way of living. I need to do some weird shit. Have an adventure. Entry: Self-referencing Date: Sun Dec 29 12:22:01 EST 2013 Two kinds: A) look at me doing this cool stuff => this is cool stuff B) look at them doing that cool stuff => that is cool stuff I had a lot of A) in the last decade. This seems to have disappeared to a large extent. However, the B) part - jealousy? - is still there as an annoying pattern. Now that I think of it, A) is still there in social situations. Somehow the intensity of identification is fueled by other people being present. It's about the distinction between the sensation of a jolt of interest, stimulation, and the social dynamics that lead to acceptance in a certain group. Entry: Depressed Date: Tue Dec 31 11:46:11 EST 2013 So what does it feel like? Hope is not accessible. Memory an association don't work properly. The "now" sucks. Nothing is interesting. It's impossible to believe that anything i ever did could be interesting. There is just the memory of me working on things, getting ideas and being inspired. Entry: Ambivalence Date: Tue Dec 31 23:19:47 EST 2013 Sometimes I want to eat the world. And other times I want to puke it out. Entry: Alcohol Date: Sat Jan 4 20:42:28 EST 2014 Alcohol is schizofrenic. Strangely "matters". Different outlook. Oversimplified. Alcohol being a mean drug and all, but I wouldn't want to know what my life would have looked like without it. Entry: Expect Date: Sat Feb 8 15:49:45 CET 2014 things didn't work as expected, and while that is to be expected, i didn't expect the way it differed Entry: Take the energy of the emotion, drop the attachment Date: Tue Feb 25 21:35:59 CET 2014 It's not possible to not experience the emotion, but with practice it becomes possible to take it's energy and put it to use, and drop the attachment. [1] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2014/01/bg-307-everything-workable/ Entry: dark night = breaking addiction Date: Wed Feb 26 23:19:15 CET 2014 Ken describes[1] the dark night as: - Having seen paradise, the feeling of sliding back, having lost paradise. - Breaking the attachment, the addiction to the waking life's drives Coming back to my own (sporadic) practice, this is pretty much where I'm at. Constantly getting caught into the trap of attraction. [1] https://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2008/10/bg-093-the-meditative-maps-happy-mornings-and-dark-nights/ Entry: Three Perspectives - Three Jewels Date: Sat Mar 1 15:17:59 CET 2014 Perspectives and language. - first person contemplation buddha nature (i am the other) - second person community interaction - third person personal distance objectification She also mentioned Kel Wilber's work on this. [1] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2008/03/bg-064-discover-yourself-as-a-perspective-taking-being/ [2] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2008/03/bg-065-the-three-faces-of-spirit-where-is-awareness-locating-itself/ Entry: Don't rationalize anger Date: Fri Apr 4 09:36:19 EDT 2014 Anger, at least in the way I experience it, is an expression of frustration: a clear and strong reaction to a clear and strong sensation of being out of control, often a recurrent one. If the cause of anger recurs, the anger recurs until the sensation of lack of control is either mediated - e.g. by dealing with a situation in a different way - or truly accepted as being out of control. The latter is often the real solution. For me, dealing with people's reactional patterns has always been a big challenge. Not getting carried away in such situations by my own reactional patterns is a symptom of presence. It's these reactional cycles that drive people apart. The only thing necessary is one person to stop the cycle, and bring kindness to the situation instead of ego-driven bullets. The ego is the fighter. The strong self who shall not be messed with.. Entry: Disappoint Date: Thu Apr 24 09:27:35 EDT 2014 It's strange that it is impossible to see happiness from within depression, hope from within dispair, engagement from within boredom, accomplishment from within disappointment. Both sides _really_ don't understand each other, it's just the vague echo in the mind and the hint of things being different that paints a picture of what those emotional states look like, but feeling them all at once - not a chance. Entry: Loosing perspective Date: Sat May 3 05:32:53 EDT 2014 Embedded, disappointed, overwhelmed, disconnected. Entry: Stuck Date: Mon Jun 16 12:29:51 EDT 2014 Yep seriously and inexcapably stuck. I loose interest and motivation. Lethargy is strong. Cause is perceived as relational: work, home. People are not behaving as I would like them too. What is scary is that the ever burning fire for finding things out is completely gone. My whole being feels without purpose. I simply do not care about anything. It's strange.. What I want is to have that caring back. Entry: Lack of focus Date: Mon Jun 16 23:29:14 EDT 2014 This afternoon a bubble bursted. An emotional breakdown happened and after seeing the inner toddler kicking and screaming finally I caught a glimpse of sunlight through the absurdity of it all. The rest of the day was calmer and I found some courage to do insight meditation, seeing a lot of that anger dissolve and clueless love and kindness pass by. What is clear after that sit is that concentration is what is lacking. Concentration is what brings joy. That painfully clear lack of concentration is also the main ingredient of suffering when I get into a mood like today / yesterday. The pain of not being able to focus, being swept away by dispair because there are no results, it's not moving along. It has no intrinsic value. That (lacking) focus IS the (missing) intrinsic value. It would be nice to turn dealing with this into experiment. It's so easy to loose oneself in story.. Entry: Concentration Date: Thu Jun 19 00:02:57 EDT 2014 It's quite clear that the one thing that is lacking is focus, and the one thing that can bring it back is noting practice. Once I get into a more focused state, all the rest comes by itself... Wow just experienced a shift while typing that. It feels I'm on the brink of something but the stirred up mud is limiting view. The problem is getting to sit down on the damn cushon and do the damn practice. Giving in to it is very hard - letting go in general is. Very embedded in what is right/wrong or maybe better "fair". Entry: So what happened? Date: Thu Jun 19 00:23:13 EDT 2014 Early 2013 while finishing up a project, I got very deep into a "bossless" project which was very engaging. This went OK for a couple of months in that it was a solace, a thing to live for to cope with some of the other shit going on. However it burned me out eventually and needing to pick up payed work again that double-burned me out and brought me into serious crisis up to right about now where I snapped two days ago. Somewhat rock-bottom but on the uplift in that it's gotten clear that I won't survive this unless I get to regular practice again. The wisdom seems to be there. It is just not very accessible in day-to-day living - burried deep under layers of embedding.. So roughly my history: - hitting rock bottom end of 2011 after a couple of miserable years - discovering Ingram's work - meditating during 2012 - getting somehere (stream entry?) around easter 2012 - falling off the wagon near end of 2012 / beginning 2013 - feeling miserable from summer of 2013 lasting upto summer of 2014 During the time off the cushon, I worked a lot - pretty much in isolation. Lived life as a part time bachelor. Interpretation: going back over this log to find the point where I presumably entered the dark night again. Somewhere around end of 2012. It's probably earlier, but around that time I stopped meditating so it went out of direct awareness and got quite nasty. At 2012/12/15 I essentially lost my job. Entry: Joy Date: Sun Jun 22 02:02:24 EDT 2014 My "public" life is just a story. Time to treat it as such. Actually I'm already treating it as such by creating it. Now time to not take it too serious. I do take it quite serious despite plenty attempt to convince myself otherwise. I can see the "snap" coming up and in a state of concentration it's easier to stay on top. Something like instant disappointment, judgement, pre-emptive despair (e.g. "it's not going to work"), realization of social blunder (now their going to think x). Had a nice sit. Some cycling more apparent: fear, disgust, death (misery, suffering), reobservation, quick pass through what is probably equanimity to brief distraction then full on bliss: so full the bowl overflows many times. Entry: Kickback Date: Tue Jun 24 22:19:28 EDT 2014 Feeling a kickback come up. Strong ego, discontentment, jealousy. Time for a serious sit. Entry: Enthusiasm Date: Wed Jun 25 00:18:41 EDT 2014 I think it's probably Daniel Ingram's enthusiasm that got me into the meditation business. So full of genuine awe it's contageous. This passage is actually quite useful, where he explains the process of defining a vantage point[2]. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNg-gps9O0w [2] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNg-gps9O0w#t=7717 Entry: So what brings you joy, she asks. Date: Wed Jun 25 00:20:20 EDT 2014 And I say flow, and letting go in meditation which is probably also flow. So where does it go wrong. Where is the kickback coming from? Why is it so successful in removing that joy? Entry: No spunk Date: Thu Jun 26 22:16:41 EDT 2014 So fell into that mood again. Not too worried about it, just going with it instead of trying to resist and go into some kind of maniac mode. Properties are tiredness, disinterest in technical subjects, aversion to focus. As I recall from before, the aversion to focus is probably key to breaking through the rut. Jealousy was part of it too today. Entry: Ebb and Flow Date: Thu Jun 26 22:23:15 EDT 2014 Seems to be part of the deal. Low energy states, not being able to think clearly, seems to trigger a spiral. What is hard is to bear what feels as a sickness: not able to generate any ideas. To be without inspiration is death. [1] http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/06/secrets-of-the-creative-brain/372299/ Entry: Back again Date: Sat Jun 28 12:59:03 EDT 2014 Very conditional though. Started out grumpy this morning, probably still result of a conversation last night I didn't like so much. Started with a "get it done" mentality and worked a bit on the old problem child project. Got somewhere, feel relieved. New courage. Still conditional. Apart from just looking at this moment from time to time, can't really do much dharma during the day. Brain is too active and desires are too strong... All that is easily dismissed as bullshit fluff. Yeah I lead two lives... Entry: Alcohol again Date: Mon Jun 30 01:23:23 EDT 2014 Too bad the come-down is so rough. I had a very nice evening beer-coding. Takes away a lot of fear and doubt. Makes things very simple. Yeah it's a different world. Dipping into it brings back other dippings, otherwise inaccessible. EDIT: Had a lot of water so no hangover. Just a little tired. It was a nice field trip - I think I needed that. Change of perspective. Would like life to be simple like that.. EDIT: Doing this twice already starts addiction phenomena. Dangerous drug. Entry: Fear is born of duality Date: Wed Jul 2 20:58:04 EDT 2014 Interesting. The story and the pointing thing doesn't seem to work for me but I guess I can relate it to dropping of self. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAckqzUSPiw Entry: Coming down from strong identification Date: Thu Jul 3 17:43:32 EDT 2014 When I work (for the man or for myself) I get strongly identified. Worked up in shoulds. Coming down from that - or awakening if you want - is hard. There doesn't seem to be a way to not get into identification in the first place. The thing is: it is useful for interacting with "work world". Just that taking this serious is an easy trap to fall into. So how to come down skillfully from an ego trip? Sitting seems to help, though I never want to. It scares me because of the initial jolt of pain that is associated with letting go. Cleaning the house seems to work: it gives me something to do while I'm still quite attached, then slowly releases the grip. And shit gets done meanwhile.. It is as if work attachment gets replaced with cleanliness attachment and that latter one is easier to let go or at least easier to satisfy :) So there is not really a manual. Letting go is the thing. The trouble is that is exactly what you DON'T want to do at a time of deep clinging. Entry: Off Date: Sat Jul 12 16:51:37 EDT 2014 Feeling off today, and briefly focusing on that it's clear there is a lot of desire to things I can't have. Realizing this is going on creates a "micro detach" that is associated with a "micro blisswave". What is clear is that there are a _lot_ of these microattachments in my current state of mind, and seeing them takes time and is painful. Entry: Out of tune Date: Sat Aug 2 20:59:18 EDT 2014 Probably lack of sleep and alcohol hangover. Strongly embedded, identified, dissatisfied. Need something to believe in... That it's not all a waste. That there is a point to it all. So i took the proverbial sit, laying down. Looking straight at suffering, it immediately becomes clear that it is tied to identification, to centralization, duality. How come this needs practice? Why isn't it possible to just be aware of this all the time? Why is it so easy to fall into the trap of embedding, identification? Entry: The pattern is forgetting there is a pattern Date: Sun Aug 3 15:27:36 EDT 2014 I've been here before so many times. Isolated. Disconnected. Depressed. Fatigued. Self-loathing. Resisting. What is there every time is the ignorance that this is rooted in duality, in perceiving the self as separate from and in conflict with everything that is perceived. What is there is a strong reluctance to sit down and stare it in the face. That apparently hasn't sunk in yet. Rationally the pattern is recognizable, but from first person perspective it isn't really clear yet. Resistance just dropped away while writing with the experience of observing my hands typing this. Entry: Driven by fear Date: Wed Aug 6 19:55:25 EDT 2014 There's this moment of joy when realizing fear has no ground. It is just fear. It consumes. Fear is fear of loosing. Making that explict helps tremendously in seeing its nature. I was surprised how much my current life situation is again about maintaining a sense of security. I felt very conditionally happy once two uncertain situations got resolved. Entry: Maybe wading through ignorance is necessary Date: Wed Aug 6 20:13:49 EDT 2014 Seeing the pop out of an embedded state after being inside it for a long time re-installs confidence in contemplation. Is live in the embedded state "worth" anything? Maybe the "joyful embedding" is. The persuit of discovery, the running of a well oiled machine. It seems that there the hold is useful: it has a function to sustain engagement. How sad it is though when it goes awry. When the hold doesn't loosen at the end of the day when tiredness takes over. When nothing of "value" has been found and much grinding of teeth results. Entry: engaged / flow Date: Mon Aug 11 00:08:30 EDT 2014 So what is flow other than intense non-duality? There is no I in flow. This experience is what I seek a lot. Entry: Another hit Date: Wed Aug 13 03:39:37 EDT 2014 Tired, can't sleep. Worried about future and place in the world. Scared about getting old. Entry: Need for rock bottom Date: Sat Aug 16 01:03:22 EDT 2014 Am I depressed? Or is this a dark night? There is a profound feeling of "not getting it". In more than one sense: not understanding it, and not receiving what ought to be mine. And yet the answer is just to let it all go. It is amazing how much freedom there is in not having any ties, and how there is still flow and purpose. Is there a way to find balance? To strip obsession down to its essence: natural flow of creativity? The artist should come out again. Entry: It's not different - chop wood, carry water Date: Thu Aug 21 23:19:09 CEST 2014 Time to grow up some more? Knowledge work isn't any different from any other work. Frustration is sign of identification, which seems to be a lot easer to fall into when the mind is occupied with "thinking". Though it seems that often "thinking" is just "creating a context of anger and dissatisfaction to motivate the effort needed for implementing change". - slow down, find the moment - in despair, realize that lifting obstacles creates visibility Entry: Forcing into social Date: Fri Aug 22 05:36:24 CEST 2014 I've been trying to "force" myself into social situations latetely, to dial back on the isolation. That is not the way. The way is to open up first, and the only way that works is meditation, and to spend time with people I feel safe with. Sad about a missed opportunity for conversation recently.. Entry: Sit Date: Fri Aug 22 05:39:43 CEST 2014 Something opened up tonight then closed down after going back to the usual browsing the internet attention spill.. Very visceral as well. Several shifts of concentration levels I can no longer recognize. I can still tap into it. The antenna is out. Watching BATGAP and getting a little annoyed at Rick's ego tripping.. Entry: mind debugging Date: Thu Aug 28 00:43:48 CEST 2014 45 planned sit, got to 28 mins had to write this down. Somehow these days I have to hit despair before I can gather the courage to sit down. Despair is clearly caused by getting stuck in patterns of goal oriented thinking. There is nothing to have. Only to experience. Somehow many things I do go from realizing this, breathing it, to dropping into ignorance and want. Have something work. Have something progress, get better. Have something finished. Have people behave differently.. There is only joy in bonding, unifying with flow. In software development, debugging is perseverance: there is always something you're not seeing clearly. Insight Meditation is mind debugging. Removing unseen clinging. If unseen it will suck you right back in. EDIT: Should probably mention that it took until 22 minutes into the sit before I hit a state of equanimity. The moment before hitting that the clinging became obvious - hard to describe how it manifested but it's like a clenched fist in the solar plexus area. Relaxing that "muscle" gives rise to the transition. Before that there was nothing but turmoil and getting lost in thoughts. I got up to abort after about 10 minutes or so before realizing I should probably go sit down again and let go of the current drama thread, which I did. After writing down this and the next post I sat down to finish the remaining 17 minutes and found the embedding to have returned. Probably during the writing of the poem, editing and then going into "good boy" mode after a sense of pride and desire for praise set in. Despair is gone though, but genral disattisfaction is right here again. Is equanimity thought of as an absorbtion state? Entry: just words dancing Date: Thu Aug 28 01:23:14 CEST 2014 wish i had a way to convey how i'm dying and being reborn there's no way back once clearly seen how clinging leaves me bent and torn sinking in then bouncing back when hitting bottom by staring at the anger and fear that keeps me wedged cycle starts again and again while the thick fog clears little by little i would like to share but smell distrust, disgust and see blank stares i go into the night alone in this solitude we are all one that through which the universe sees itself and weeps, hung over, from being drunk on self again i see others, everyone? trapped in that cage of me jailed by need for distinction mind as a tool to find food and fend off bears does not deserve the throne it thinks it does and spends its days convincing that which is just words dancing Entry: have tos Date: Thu Sep 11 13:58:56 CEST 2014 Drowning in have-to's. Flow is gone... Takes out all the energy. Too much reactive activity: playing ping-pong with the world and resisting it. Need a break. I wonder if there's a way to reduce the suffering here while remaining functional. Best approach seems to just drop everything, truly, and let perspective come back first. Then pick up one by one. Entry: inside the pull Date: Sat Sep 13 13:15:31 CEST 2014 Reading Adyashanti's The End of Your World[1]. Reminded of the "vacillation". Have it very strong these days. Looking for a way to escape in code as I used to do, but can't because of fatigue and also maybe less belief in some of my earlier drivers: necessity to distinguish myself. Irony is, apart from intrinsic emptyness of approval that's become a lot more obvious, I've maneuvered myself so far away from common sense there's nobody left to give the approval.. What in me can still go into division?[2] The search for a meaning in life is a surrogate for the realization we are life. Only someone disconnected from life will look for purpose. About getting stuck in meaninglessness after first realization One of the antidotes to being stuck in meaninglessness is to see that we are only looking at truth from the ego's point of view. From the ego's point of view, awakening has no benefit. [1] http://www.adyashanti.org/index.php?file=productdetail&iprod_id=326 [2] http://books.google.be/books?id=BTPfoFH1LTUC&pg=PA103&lpg=PA103&dq=%22What+in+me+can+still+go+into+division?%22&source=bl&ots=neBd62c7kX&sig=IJ1ijGJZmq40JI9J0euGD9gtyx4&hl=en&sa=X&ei=I08UVJ7hJOq7ygPLlYJg&ved=0CCkQ6AEwAg Entry: practical tricks Date: Sun Sep 14 10:37:47 CEST 2014 I will try to edit these over time and maybe annotate how it goes. - Do programming work as the witness. After about half an hour it seems that strong identification sinks in. Especially after getting some exciting ideas. Coffee confusion doesn't help presence of mind. - Sit down in the pain when it comes up. Entry: Fatigue to Fear Date: Thu Sep 18 23:36:54 CEST 2014 Thoughts create fear when they're unbalanced, as when fatigue sets in. Entry: Productive and Happy? Date: Sun Sep 21 17:27:42 CEST 2014 Thinking about flow a lot and how I'm not experiencing it that much. The flow kind of absorbtion - as opposed to the the obsessive kind - is a wholesome experience. It feels right, it feels devoid of attachment, it feels as a harmony with experience. There is no doer. Entry: Tony Parsons Date: Wed Sep 24 22:46:41 CEST 2014 Tony Parsons, The Open Secret[1] the arising of a sense of self is illusory the individual thinks it's real you won't ever know there is no you (!) the illusion can collapse and there's nothing left this message can't be understood - i don't understand it (!) me wants to search and grasp - that is futile the me lives in a finite reality and is looking for the infinite when the energy of me collapses, all there is is the infinite, beingness, freedom there's nobody in that me rejects this message me lives in a dream called "i am real" the self longs for it's own absence the me would like to think that it can achieve liberation but it never can the illusion can't make itself die it's about the end of that which wants an answer ... there's no me, there's simply tea or coffee me needs a goal; me needs to hope and dream the problem with me is that it thinks it can only get anywhere by knowing anything ... do you have any advice? none at all! ... what's always dissatisfying for me is the sense of being separate, which drives it on to seeking fulfillment And so on... interesting :) And it makes sense, from memory. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg8WHzKidiw [2] http://www.nigelfarndale.com/2013/06/tony-parsons/ [3] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4665058 Entry: From curiosity to greed Date: Wed Oct 1 13:48:36 CEST 2014 Again about the tipping point between "wholesome" intrigue, interest, intrinsic motivation, curiosity and the shift to "aquiring knowledge and power". I.e from "just there" to "purpose, use". Entry: Ken Wilber Date: Sun Oct 19 13:03:43 EDT 2014 You need a cognitive framework or else it won't stick[1]. You'll get more depressed than when you went in. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MKf-MsGEs8#t=1290 Entry: Spaced out Date: Tue Oct 28 17:58:15 EDT 2014 Been trying this[1]. Leaves me pretty much "spread out" - hard to focus on work payed or otherwise.. Might be because of other things going on though. [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/04/yogi-toolbox-gathering-momentum-at-work.html Entry: Three Perceptions Date: Tue Nov 4 02:32:57 EST 2014 Makes sense. Ways of looking instead of properties of reality? [1] http://thehamiltonproject.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-yogi-toolbox-discerning-three.html Entry: My favorite emotions Date: Fri Nov 28 00:23:10 EST 2014 [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anger [2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resentment [3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indignation [4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear [5] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anxiety Entry: Motivation Date: Sun Nov 30 14:16:35 EST 2014 Trying to see if here is a pattern to the general malaise that seems to come out of the blue. I had quite a good day yesterday, but today I'm tired, unmotivated, uninterested. Generally "off". Watched some standup comedy, which was fun and did bring a little equanimity and joy back, but the tiredness is still there. I didn't sleep a full 8h so that might be part of it. Maybe a nap is in order. Entry: violence as acting out Date: Mon Dec 1 23:17:00 EST 2014 About the 2011 England riots: Man is not simply a product of objective circumstances. We all have this margin of freedom in deciding how we subjectivise these objective circumstances which of course determine us. How we react to them by constructing our own universe. The conservative solution is we need more police, we need courts which pass severe judgements. I think this solution is too simple. If one listens closely to some of David Cameron's statements, Ok they are beating people, burning houses, but the truly horrible thing is that they were taking objects without paying for them (laughs). The ultimate sin that we can imagine. In a very limited way Cameron was right. There was no idiological justification. It is the reaction of people who are totally cought in the predominant idiology, but have no ways to realize what this idiology demands of them, so it is kind of a wild acting out within this idiological space of consumerism. Even if we are dealing with an apparently non-idological brutality - I just want to burn houses, to get objects - it is the result of a very specific social and idiological constellation, where big idiology - striving for justice, equality, etc - disintigrates. The only functioning idiology is pure consumerism and then no wonder what you get as a form of protest. Every violent acting out is a sign that there is something you are not able to put into works. Even the most brutal violence is the enacting of a certain symbolic deadlock. About Travis in Taxi Driver: He was on the right path in a way. You should have the outburst of violence, and jou should direct it at yourself, but in a very specific way: at what in yourself chains you, ties you to the ruling idiology. A rule that holds for all communities: You don't only have explicit rules. You always in order to become part of a community, you need some implicit rules unwritten rules, which are never publicly recognized, but they are absolutely crucial as the point of the identification of the group. It is as if in order to really be a member of a community, you have the render your hands dirty. Jacques Lecan: there is no big other. No point of reference which guarantees meaning. We are alone. [1] http://www.thepervertsguide.com/ideology/ Entry: cynic Date: Tue Dec 2 22:30:46 EST 2014 Doing the dharma, but still a cynic ;) [1] http://www.buddhistgeeks.com/2009/04/bg-118-an-unusually-hardcore-dharma-book/ Entry: work Date: Tue Dec 2 23:31:05 EST 2014 Some things to note being away from stress for a bit. It is not the work, not the "having to". There is just as much "having to" in doing own work when it's not spontaneous. I.e. if it's driven by "should". If it's spontaneous, it just happens anyway, whether busy or not with "have to" work. The whole idea of "doing your own thing" is a bad promise. There is just time and space and those are there as long as there is no forcing. STOP FORCING Entry: Too tired Date: Thu Dec 4 21:39:00 EST 2014 So I'm too tired too meditate. Too restless. Too scared. Too angry. Too disappointed. Too disgusted. Or, sometimes, too happy. I've falled off the wagon in a way that could use some intervention. Only the evenings seem to be OK these days. Daylight brings "shoulds" and "ought haves" and "why am I so tired?". In the last couple of sits it's become clear again that what is under those toos is the real point. I no longer see the background. Days are spent embedded. I've taken up focus on breathing again, going back to basics, and adding noting when focus returns. Before I was doing choiceless awareness but that seems to be too unstructured. I need a shoehorn.. I want things I can't have. I'm out of sync with everything. I'm swept away by emotions. Entry: conceit Date: Thu Dec 4 21:54:05 EST 2014 So first reply to this post is basically that "anything more than noticing is just more conceit". Then later "trying to fix it' breaks things even more. The more you observe, the more you can then let it go.". http://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/4466216 Entry: greed / aversion Date: Sat Dec 27 12:46:20 EST 2014 Very very strong. Probably triggered by the whole holiday "opinions" thing.. The interesting bit is that again, becoming aware of it, naming it makes it fade away. Entry: Cynicism Date: Tue Jan 13 19:44:04 EST 2015 Opened up today after a long long time of being very closed off to anything. I'd like to capture being on the cusp before it disappears again. The realization of having lived outside of connectivity of the soul, inside the blinded view that wants things to be a certain way and resents anything outside of that. I at least have a little sense of harmony. This is a much better place to come from, so why do I resist it? Why does my being desire to dwell in the dungeon of self? Entry: Disconnect Date: Wed Jan 14 18:59:59 EST 2015 There is a fundamental incompatibility between the modes I get in when I'm working (a dungeon of self), and compassionate, engaged human interaction. I basically really do not care about people stuff when I'm in that zone. And I especially have no tolerance for "personalities". Strange how this deep embedding into own ego strongly rejects that of others. Maybe because in that mode it (others's egos) are actually taken serious and seen as a direct threat? Entry: cynicism has destroyed my life Date: Wed Jan 14 23:05:10 EST 2015 I am quite lost and disconnected. Only a short sit can point that out quite clearly. Contracted. It is starting to feel very schizophrenic. There are two modes. One is compassion and love, the other is cynicism and dungeon of self. Open vs. closed. Meditation is not optional for me. Trouble is that the other one doesn't agree. It thinks this compassion shit is just weakness. That what is needed is a firm hand, and that they should all stay off my damn property. It is clear that momentum is key. I don't like the other guy. He is poison to this body. So what is causing this? Not meditating is one thing. The problems arise mostly because I can no longer find satisfaction in showing off. It is as if my reward has been taken away, but the suffering remained. It's the cynical outlook that sincerely distrusts emotions, intentions, basically whole of human nature that is causing the drive to isolation and the disinterest in other people. It is getting worse. Entry: a manual Date: Wed Jan 21 20:22:15 EST 2015 A tendency I experience is to write "manuals for good living" and then never read what I wrote. Insights are fleeting. The trouble seems to be the cultivation of presence of mind in all situations. Those that need "help" are those where abilities are impaired.. Entry: conflicted Date: Sun Feb 1 18:46:36 EST 2015 Listened to [1] yesterday. Apart from getting a bit annoyed by the guy's personality - sorry for that and for feeling the need to express it - there was an interesting point made in that "today's enlightenment is tomorrow's mistake". In that it's not a relalization if you're not living the consequences. It seems to describe very well where I am at: Seen part of the picture (as to how self, the tendency to contract and close down creates all this suffereing) but am not taking it serious. Still spend my days self-absorbed and shielding from the rest of the world, because people... Entry: holding on Date: Sun Feb 1 19:07:49 EST 2015 So it's clear.. haven't done formal meditation for a couple of days and got really really stuck in resentment and jealousy. Time to sit down and open it all up again.. I simply resent the nature of reality. So tried to sit but couldn't. Cleaned the room - still resentful. Stuck. Expecting things to be different.. Entry: Anger Date: Wed Feb 11 21:50:49 EST 2015 I just got really angry. I've had my little >30 minute trip of thinking swear words and truth-tellings so time to learn something. Probably already subsiding that a little reason is seeping in to write this down. Angry? Look for the expectation (entitlement) that has been violated. I have a strong desire to throw punches, to inflict pain. To assert myself, ensure compliance. Only a little reason is preventing me. The core seems to be defiance. That means the thing I'm seeking is dominance. Not very nice hey :) But wow this shit is powerful. Entry: Replace "because I have to" with "because I can". Date: Wed Feb 11 23:01:57 EST 2015 Nothing is so important to get all worked up about it. And in letting go like that, that what requires attention will present itself in a natural way. If the attention doesn't come naturally in clarity, it doesn't need it. But the important part there is "in clarity". "have to" means there is not clarity. Extrinsic motivation. In the "have to" there is probably a trade, there is an "i want". probably a good idea to find that and think again. If it's real, the have to will disappear and turn into "of course". Entry: no more news Date: Thu Feb 12 15:00:16 EST 2015 Let's see if it's possible to switch off news and social media for a while. It's making me unhappy. Entry: science Date: Tue Feb 17 21:17:59 EST 2015 I still adhere to naturalism :) However, I've been exploring some of the more out-there parts of meditation and find that there is a lot of value in (temporarily) letting go of the attachment to explanation. Somehow it seems necessary, at least for me, to allow "belief" into the picture to open up and experience fully. It is clear that taking a naturalistic, scientific, reductionistic stance is counter-productive to taking part in something that really seems to be appropriately described by supernatural thinking. I'm interested in uniting both perspectives, but for now it seems best to turn the naturalist "off" from time to time. Entry: Stuck Date: Thu Feb 19 22:02:36 EST 2015 Not clear from the inside. It's very clever in promising resolution... The prevailing thought is: "Just this little small thing and then I can relax." Read as: "I really can't let go!" Entry: Control your wonder Date: Fri Feb 20 18:52:44 EST 2015 [1] https://www.erowid.org/chemicals/dmt/dmt_writings3.shtml Entry: Illusion is Necessary (Closet Spiritual) Date: Fri Feb 20 22:04:30 EST 2015 Tags: meta I'm conflicted. I don't really know what to do with all these ideas that do not mesh well with my strong rational inclination. There is the strong thought that "I don't really believe all that spiritual mumbo-jumbo" but on the other side I also don't find the false certainty brought by clinging to rationality very productive. I'm no longer convinced that human beings are supposed to be rational or at least spend a lot of their time in a rational frame of mind. Rationality is an aquired taste. A very convincing view of the world that claims to be all-encompassing. Rationality however is just a tool. A means to aid the systematic fulfillment of desires. And can definitely become a righteous religion. I do not want to give up rationality. Because I can't. It is how I look at the world. It is part of my being. It *is* the worldly plane. It is the standard by which I prune bad ideas. However, it is time to acknowledge that I am not, at my core, a rational being. I have an inclination to step out of rationality into taking story serious for its effect. Words in a story as not necessarily representing an enumeration of facts and consequences, but blobs making up a painting that has "something". Even if that something can only be captured in the rational framework by the word "illusion", there is value in that. Illusion is Necessary. I can't be serious and at the same time I can't ignore this simple reality of the human condition. I find myself creating little sand boxes to allow the serious exploration of wondrous illusion, letting go of the killjoy of reality. Part of life is a trip, literally. Entry: Fear Date: Sat Feb 21 22:28:14 EST 2015 Facing fears. There's been a lot of that lately... For the record, this was very interesting: David Choe: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeLkxL9YfKM Entry: surrender Date: Sun Feb 22 01:49:40 EST 2015 It's a game. Pick your outlook or surrender when stuck. All makes a strange kind of sense.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGDcSjtV8FA Entry: DMT Date: Sun Feb 22 02:04:14 EST 2015 Been reading and watching vids about Ayahuasca and DMT and the ultimate idiosyncratic experience. And doubting my sanity as this all makes a strange kind of sense :) Entry: DMT elves Date: Sun Mar 1 03:01:06 EST 2015 They laugh when you think about you as you. They think you're so funny! 27:45 [1] [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_vMfyZc01s&t=1650 Entry: Dr. Drew Date: Thu Mar 5 02:50:40 EST 2015 Interesting episode. Consciousness as a connection thing, something that happens between people? [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpT4lKIBPWU Entry: Wipe your feet Date: Sun Mar 8 03:08:58 EDT 2015 Watching DMT stories online. Some things ring true. About a guy having the experience of all bad things about him eating him up and freaking out about it. He got the message later "I was clensing you. You can't bring that stuff here." Also mentioned don't eat taco bell before going, they find that very disrespectful. In concentration practice a similar thing happens. Transition is only possible if you "wipe your feet". Familiar to me is that you can't enter some states while in a contracted state, e.g. clinging to the desire to enter. Calm down, spread out, let it go. Intention is ok, but desire is not. Entry: Resentment is rising Date: Tue Mar 10 13:34:24 EDT 2015 Got disturbing new yesterday. Took it in love, strangely. Have been doing a lot of meditation on love which was a weird coincidence. It definitely put me in a position to brace for impact. Now, a day later, resentment is rising. Literally the sun was shining yesterday, and today it's gray and the fog is keeping the traffic fumes to the ground. Such a metafor life is these days.. Entry: alcohol is a sink hole Date: Thu Mar 12 00:50:07 EDT 2015 There is a clear conflict between open, meaningful perception of the world and consumption of alcohol, which is a clear contraction of that into small, self-absorbed, simplified existence. Entry: anxiety is a disconnectedness Date: Fri Mar 13 23:37:29 EDT 2015 around 53:00 http://duncantrussell.com/dr-drew-2 Entry: free will as a choice? Date: Sat Mar 14 02:32:58 EDT 2015 Interesting idea: We need to act as if we have free will. [1] http://duncantrussell.com/raghu-markus-and-saraswati-markus/ Entry: Anxiety Date: Sun Mar 22 00:04:41 EDT 2015 Not really meditation, but I'm facing my fears these days. Did two today, and while it sucked and while I got very anxious, I did recover and I feel something grew stronger. It left me drained though. Getting angry and scared is very tiring. The trick seems to be to not let things sit so long. Deal with it when it arises. Entry: Kornfield Mindpod Date: Wed Mar 25 21:07:15 EDT 2015 To have wealth in this world requires a healthy dose of denial. [1] http://www.mindpodnetwork.com/jack-kornfield-heart-wisdom-hour-episode-02-duncan-trussell-pete-holmes/ Entry: Everything is well Date: Thu Mar 26 02:28:51 EDT 2015 In times of great turmoil it is profound to say and then realize, "everything is well". There is only the now, the thing right here. Entry: Social Identity Date: Sat Mar 28 21:00:11 EDT 2015 Relayed a disturbing life event to family and friends today. Something I had kept to myself for a bit, then started talking about in email, then finally talked about on the phone. I found it interesting that in the transition between these 3 phases: only me, email and phone, something happened to the story and something happend to me in my self-perception which was different in each of these cases. I don't relate to many people and I consider most people I relate to close friends. I.e. I do not have a very strong external identity. But what I do see in these relationships, especially those that are long term, is that I _become_ the person that has the relationship with this other person. Assuming this is a symmetric thing, then each relationship is actually the interaction of two created persona. Especially talking on the phone which is more like talking in person I felt a strong shift, a stepping into another body maybe. For email it feels more like stepping into another mind. I am not sure if my experience in this sense is very common, but I have heard it expressed before by at least one strongly introverted person: the idea of becoming someone else - as if it's not really me that is interacting. Maybe this is not an extrover thing? Entry: Alcohol is not a good drug Date: Wed Apr 1 23:34:54 EDT 2015 I've been staying a way from it and having a training session tonight to not get too shocked by a party tomorrow. But it feels wrong. Superficial, dumb, stupefied. Entry: The big joke Date: Fri Apr 3 14:43:37 EDT 2015 "Do you remember when you were a kid and you thought that there were real grownups?" I appreciate Rogan. He can be a little crass but he hits the nail on the head. [1] Netflix: Joe Rogan Live 2006 Entry: Honest hangover Date: Fri Apr 3 16:21:45 EDT 2015 There is beautiful humbling honesty in having reality come back after a party night. The feeling of having that carefully crafted persona all taken apart and humiliated, exposing the raw animal underneath. Accepting the vulnerability that comes with this process is challenging, and I think it is wat has made me depressed a lot in the past. The feeling of having a dream crushed. The problem with alcohol is that it feels so real. It presents a simple, dumbed down world where everything is possible and safe. Life is fragile and there is no security in anything. Entry: Aubrey Marcus Date: Sun Apr 5 00:50:35 EDT 2015 We don't have an environmental problem, we have a consciousness problem. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=joe+rogan+aubrey+marcus+ Entry: Boundless love Date: Mon Apr 6 22:03:26 EDT 2015 Powerful stuff. Starting to see more clearly the difference between on one side deep, impersonal love (boundless love) and on the other side greedy love, desire, separation anxiety, fear of loneliness. Boundless love is quite powerful, and obviously boundless. Entry: Refine the Irrational Date: Tue Apr 7 00:24:23 EDT 2015 [1] http://duncantrussell.com/rick-doblin-from-maps Entry: Minute Particulars Date: Wed Apr 8 22:01:47 EDT 2015 He who would do good to another must do it in Minute Particulars: General Good is the plea of the scoundrel, hypocrite, and flatterer, For Art and Science cannot exist but in minutely organized Particulars. William Blake [1] http://www.mindpodnetwork.com/jack-kornfield-heart-wisdom-episode-08-transforming-darkness/ Entry: What I want? Date: Fri Apr 10 02:50:43 EDT 2015 Is flow. I spend a large part of my life in this state, and I love it. It is very painful when the state breaks down due to fatigue, with self-awareness returning. Flow as effortless attention. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_%28psychology%29 Entry: Kindness Date: Sun Apr 12 13:28:57 EDT 2015 I wonder if life is really about re-awakening the kindness that I lost after adolescence. Is life about transcending the selfish animal? ( On the other hand, patting myself on the back again, spiritual materialism is right around the corner. ) Entry: Time to stop resisting Date: Sun Apr 12 13:42:50 EDT 2015 What am I trying to accomplish? There is nothing to gain. Judge it by its fruits: letting it go creates joy and happiness. Holding onto it, focusing on what is fair only creates more suffering. Entry: Letting go is a process Date: Sun Apr 12 13:52:10 EDT 2015 Yeah you can't "decide" to let it go. At least I can't. It's a process. The sentiments will come back. Entry: Not necessary Date: Sun Apr 12 14:52:08 EDT 2015 The realization that it is not required to step into the mental turmoil, ever, is worth all the gold in the world.. Entry: Missing time Date: Tue Apr 14 01:05:26 EDT 2015 During sit that felt "vipassana-y" since a long stretch of blissful absorbtion / loving kindness sits and reclines over the last couple of weeks: Consciousness went out - About a minute or so? Before, gently fading out. After, feeling of waking up, being other people. Not sure if that thought of being other people came before or after. I had the chance of meeting S. today, and had a sit together. Which was very energetic. Went into a hard-to-describe blissful state almost immediately (it has been coming up a lot lately), then started recognizing access concentration, first Jhana (bodily bliss, forced concentration) and second Jhana (bodily bliss, automatic concentration). With little pinpricks into third (more mental bliss) but not stable. After about 20-30 minutes I ended up in Fear. EDIT: I wonder if that was a Fruition or just a doze off without falling over.. There was a lot of bliss afterward, but dreams went straight into fear and anger - quite violently. Entry: Spaced out Date: Wed Apr 15 21:34:37 EDT 2015 So the advice is to avoid getting in a trance-like state. The first was the state that comes when the breath gets so comfortable that your focus drifts from the breath to the sense of comfort itself, your mindfulness begins to blur, and your sense of the body and your surroundings gets lost in a pleasant haze. When you emerge, you find it hard to identify where exactly you were focused. Ajaan Fuang called this moha-samadhi, or delusion-concentration. So I tried both. What's easier now is to just get in a spaced out peace and love state. That has helped a lot over the last couple of weeks to lift spirits. However it is not insight nor concentration. Concentration is clear and one pointed, not foggy and spaced out. Insight is clear and open, receiving, not shielded off. Maybe these days it's better to calm down through the trance-like state (moha-samadhi in [2]) and then regain direction and focus into concentration or insight. EDIT: From observation, it seems that it is quite easy to get out of this state by moving focus to bare attention. It is indeed a form of laziness, of not getting what I want. It is a similar feeling of getting bored when doing chores, a feeling of I don't want to be here, however feeling bored feels bad while this has the nice blissful attribute. [1] http://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/5606194/en [2] http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/jhananumbers.html Entry: alcohol Date: Fri Apr 17 21:46:04 EDT 2015 Having some wine after a pretty fucking weird WTF day. Felt good before opening the bottle, though was a little afraid of loosing it again.. It's really not the drug that's bad. Set and setting make up most of it. Alcohol can be very energetic if you use it in a low dose: just enough to maintain that initial cool buzz and have another sip when you feel it coming down a bit. When done, eat something and have a shitload of water. Hangovers are tough though (from memory - far away now!). And don't write any emails.. So it starts going downhill after a while. Hard to maintain without going faster.. 1/3 left in the bottle. EDIT: Come down is always a little strange. Especially the idea of "consequence" gaining reality again.. Definitely eat some food though. Entry: There is nothing to have Date: Fri Apr 17 22:10:15 EDT 2015 Pretty fucking true. Just give it all away. Feels better. Entry: Jealousy Date: Sat Apr 18 09:34:40 EDT 2015 Next hurdle? Entry: Right action Date: Tue Apr 28 11:50:31 EDT 2015 Funny thing is that when you do the right thing, you don't need compliments and pats on the back. It is as if those actually create a separate halo of gratification around the memory of the action which was really just a cause clarity doing its work. Nothing big. Nothing is big or deserves to be. But that mind is hungry for that honey.. Entry: Derealization Date: Fri May 8 20:52:51 CEST 2015 5 minutes or so of small "stabs" of derialization coming home by car from the airport. Strange experience. A little scary. As if there is an other side to the "illusion" of conscious life. It's just the echo though. Maybe because I spend so much time in artifical worlds.. my normal is definitely not that thing called the real world, that consensus reality.. Entry: Stuck Date: Wed Jul 15 03:48:54 EDT 2015 Working a lot, in attachment. Doing other things in attachment. Not feeling much clarity, afraid to meditate and let go. Funny how my work, involving a lot of thought, prevents thinking and self-reflective rummaging. However it is just a substitute, not an antidote. The end result is not spending any time in non-embedded states and this takes its toll. In general, life is going well, and that is usually bad news for progress in inisight: I am comfortable in my attachments.. Still, in the going well, there is always the discontentment and the desire to want to be/have something else.. Maybe time for some podcasts or other community things. Entry: Still stuck.. Date: Fri Jul 17 01:18:05 EDT 2015 Can't bring myself to sit. Can't just. Find "just". "just sit". * * * That helped. The "just". Just 10-15 minutes but enough to pierce through a first layer, and end up with relaxation, and a realiziation that this is necessary and that there is some pipes to de-clog. Also love came back. Was gone for a bit.. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jnana Entry: So how to fix it? Date: Sat Jul 18 23:19:08 EDT 2015 1. When awake an positive, work. 2. When tired, sleep. And meditate. Entry: depressed Date: Mon Jul 27 22:24:27 EDT 2015 The world is very small. Nothing is interesing. Everything takes too much effort. Tired. Can't sleep. Want to work, but can't think. Feel worthless. Feel lonely. Don't want people around either.. Can't make conversation. Would like to eat to feel better. Would like to drink or smoke. Can't see how these "tricks to get out" work. Can't meditate. Just want to numb out.. Entry: Self care and the need for leisure Date: Thu Aug 13 11:41:11 EDT 2015 http://www.metafilter.com/152045/Self-care-and-the-need-for-leisure Entry: On being tired Date: Fri Aug 14 12:47:24 EDT 2015 So when tired, sleep, right? Can't sleep because I'm fretting on something I just can't let go of. Some things are so "important" to the self, apparently, that they are hard to cut through. Being tired doesn't help to relax either.. Maybe today I should sit. It's all been a bit too much recently.. I thought I was past this shit but oh no.. There's the realization that the desire to not be angry in itself is keeping the anger alive, by keeping the attention away from the things that actually lead to the anger. Some of those are seemingly kept out of awareness for good reason: seeing them clearly evaporates the whole situation. [stuff] Some psychologizing is in order as I got stuck in a loop. A lot of these emotions do not make sense and they are exploding. A strange sensation, something akin to panic? Seeing things clearly helps very well to dissipate "constructs" like that. So why in some cases, are these things just not accessible? There is a tangled mess of false reasons covering up the real thing that is at stake: somehow, in this particular situation, I am putting up a "front" out of fear of conflict. But my behavior, while understandable, isn't appropriate, triggering frustration in other people. I am very attached to the praise/blame game so this is making me crazy. Trying to manage this relation isn't working as I planned and now it seems I am actually very attached to the persona I've been trying to create, instead of just treating people as people. So basically, I deal also with being the bad guy (true in this case, of only out of sheer incompetence of dealing with conflict). It's like a garden that's gone wild. Cut everything at the root? Entry: Depression as an arsing and passing phenomenon Date: Sun Aug 16 19:56:08 EDT 2015 Stuck deeply in woe me. Very depressed - thinking of death, dying, reasons to stick around.. But there's a bounce in those thoughts. As if you really have to reach rock bottom -- along which ever axis -- to fully appreciate what is underneath. So much of this depression things really is about desire for something that isn't there, and a strong focus on the experience of "me". Actually, the "poor me". Every time I see this lift it is so clear in that moment how strongly the depression is tied to the sense of self. Release that and there is only joy, really. I'm going to do some repairs, maybe make a fire.. Entry: Stuck again Date: Mon Aug 17 16:41:34 EDT 2015 I keep getting stuck, and ik keep forgetting what the trick was last time to get unstuck. Sitting doesn't work without first letting go of something else. Or at least being aware of it. Feeling: nothing appeals to me. I feel totally lost. Entry: Submission Date: Sun Sep 6 11:13:51 CEST 2015 Letting Go: individual release Surrender: state without will Submission: wilfull yield to reality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g33Dlfx4zQ0 Entry: The Path to Inner Peace Date: Sun Sep 6 17:45:18 CEST 2015 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIETa-rFDLIiMQ9I4avmWOw Entry: Getting unstuck Date: Mon Sep 14 00:57:14 CEST 2015 Maybe it's finally time to heed some advice. From many sources I've learned that westerners need to combine vipassana with metta practice. Start from a place of love. At this point, I am stuck in dissatisfaction. Quite strongly. Physical presence in my solar plexus is quite strong. Concetrating on the region does bring some relief but it collapses quite easily again into restlessness, and what is pretty much self-hatred. "Self-hatred? What is that?" [1]. The cure is clear: allow love to blossom. [1] http://www.sharonsalzberg.com/sit/ Entry: Wonder to want Date: Tue Sep 15 00:03:44 CEST 2015 For a long time I have been trying to find a way to describe the transition I experience, getting contracted just being by myself working on something that initially came out of wonder. Starting out open, in wonder, grounded, happy to be alive and experiencing the great mix, into wanting a certain thing to happen. Wanting control. Wanting respect. Wanting predictability, security. In this light, even work stress, something that is so easily blamed on the want of others, is really just want. A thing that gets created by "me". From the practical side, there are two problems: - How to notice the transition. To see obsession rise, then nip it in the bud. - How to recover from excessive obsession when the ship has already sailed. When the loss of ground is noticed too late. Entry: Sinking to the bottom Date: Thu Sep 17 13:44:44 EDT 2015 Really not getting what you want is a great way to sink to the bottom of experience.. I feel the rug pulled out from under me recently. While it sucks, it is also liberating in a weird way. Instantly reconnects with the base level of love, connection. Entry: It's all a ride Date: Sun Sep 20 22:24:41 EDT 2015 Fun intermezzo. It's a simulation: you're witnessing not the real universe, but a simulation of the chemical correlate. Enjoying misery? That's alcoholic stuff. Not everyone likes endorfines. http://duncantrussell.com/dr-drew-and-fred-stoller/#/vanilla/discussion/embed/?vanilla_discussion_id=0 Entry: Depression Date: Sat Sep 26 22:26:21 EDT 2015 So I wonder, is there a way to avert a wave of despair, or is this pure chemicals at play that just have to be sat throug? A key element is forgetting what it feels like to be open, harmonious. Forgetting what seems like the solution to getting out. Giving in to sticking in the mud. There is some pleasure in giving up, somehow... So what to do? It's time to make a list (again - I keep loosing them...) 1. do pushups That's it. Entry: Alcohol Date: Sun Sep 27 01:50:40 EDT 2015 It's only the first couple, with certain optimal rate, that creates the euphoric, resetting experience. After that (from memory), it's downhill. And a week or two of abstinence is probably good. What it provides though, is a break. A reminder that the other thing -- the stress, the rat race -- is just a story as well. Entry: You're coughing in my face Date: Sun Sep 27 02:58:23 EDT 2015 Joe Rogan about being around negative atmosphere. ([1] near the end). Later on: Some people are toxic, not even that they are trying to harm you, but that they are so self-indulgent. They constantly want to talk about their own problems. Ryan: That's why she likes pyschotics. Neurotics are just a pain in the ass, but pyschotics they can't help it. My take: It's a slippery slope. As long as you can stay upright and see the other's stuff as stuff, it doesn't affect you. It is definitely possible to be strong and compassionate, but you need to have your own shit together. Once you judge the other's approach to things -- which can happen by itself, e.g. through fatigue -- you're in on the game.. [1] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3RRIv4tR_c Entry: Consensus Reality Date: Mon Sep 28 22:19:37 EDT 2015 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consensus_reality Entry: death is a good idea Date: Thu Oct 1 22:48:24 EDT 2015 I was thinking that from a software design p.o.v., the concept of death (avoiding long-lived state) is a very good idea to avoid errors to propagate in time. Precisely that also seems to be why life gets rebooted from time to time. Entry: Stepping out of the task list Date: Sun Oct 4 18:26:48 EDT 2015 Creative energy is where I find my joy in life, but it is sucked away by forced concentration. Too much willpower spent.. How to make this work? What I can see in meditation is that there is a way to remove the absolute nature, to realize again this is about taking on other people's monkeys. Entry: Kids Date: Wed Oct 7 02:25:05 EDT 2015 Kid: Can you tell me what God looks like, because I'm starting to forget. [1] http://duncantrussell.com/the-many-lives-of-tait-fletcher Entry: Surrender Date: Wed Oct 7 02:29:09 EDT 2015 Starting to see some patterns where religion in its form of surrender starts making a lot of sense. Surrender is very deep. Surrender to the idea that death is real. Entry: Lost Date: Wed Oct 7 03:38:11 EDT 2015 Not a smooth ride these days, all neurosis. Love work when I get into it, but it seems to need the coffee. Hate it when I stop and feel depleted. Emotionally, not nourished. Mostly because I'm not letting. Try medidation but can't. No willpower left [1]. Can't let go. Constant clench in stomach. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_depletion Entry: There's something I can't get out of... Date: Thu Oct 8 01:22:57 EDT 2015 When sitting is impossible, there is something I'm not seeing. When quiet is scary, or uncomfortable, there is something I don't want to see. I'm not happy. Not because I'm unfortunate or that I don't have everything going for me. Really. It's actually quite sweet. It's that I'm resenting something very strongly, and that thing is something that isn't even real. It's quite silly, really. There is only one thing that can be done about such a big ball of neurotic spaghetti. To drop it completely. No point in untangling. The tangle is all it is. If it would be untangled, there would be nothing left. So throw out the whole thing and work with the empty space that remains, Entry: Stuck Date: Fri Oct 9 04:24:54 EDT 2015 This doesn't stop, does it? I keep waking up an hour after I go to bed. One particular thing I don't understand how it went wrong. Just grew out of a time of strong social phobia, then escalated. Keep beating myself up about it as well. It's just such a mess, all coming from going against my better judgement. Shit. Time to step out of it again, actively. Do a love meditation.. Maybe it's all the procrastination that's causing this. Time to deal with shit... Entry: Is love an emotion? Date: Sat Oct 10 23:20:21 EDT 2015 With most emotions having a strong self component, maybe unconditional (unconditioned?) love should not be seen as an emption, but as a base state that is only clouded by emotions? Entry: Depression Date: Sun Oct 11 02:48:39 EDT 2015 When your mind has already given up, just use what is left to take action. Go and _do_ something, even if you really don't want to. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpgX1_ZZvHs I'm stuck. Afraid to really sit. Entry: The goal is irrelevant Date: Sun Oct 11 13:03:28 EDT 2015 I've been flip-flopping between being a joyful, hopeful hacker, and a depressed shut-in. The thing that is absent in the latter state is the joy of the moment, the process. Taking something from incremental movement. In the depressed state, it is all about having and not having. It is really self-absorbed and hard to get out of. It is self-sustaining in both meanings. Entry: sacrifice fear on the altar of action Date: Mon Oct 12 00:29:53 EDT 2015 Take action. There is truth in combat. On whining: we're whining to the universe: can't you see I'm having a hard time? I deserve a toy now. You can't help but laugh at yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpgX1_ZZvHs Entry: Feeling better Date: Mon Oct 12 17:05:59 EDT 2015 Two things happened: - display of affection, lifting of conflict - couple of days off of work If external stress lifts it is obvious that things are bound to get better. But how to not let it in in the first place? It might be a lost cause... The actual problem is letting it get over the threshold of personal investment. Many of these external thresholds are about acceptance (resentment, judgement, guilt) and fear (of abandonment, loss, aggression). Being on the good side of the depressive divide, it is all quite simple: don't panic, it's all not such a big deal. How to make it across the divide while being in the state of despair? It is so all-encompassing. It seems that the only thing that can be done really is to stay on the good side. Keep awareness up. The biggest challenge at this point seems to be waking up in the morning. I can make it to the other side if I don't engange in anything, but I do not wake up well recently. Entry: DT 71 Date: Sun Oct 18 01:49:55 EDT 2015 The hardest desire to be free of is the desire to be free of desire. http://thedrunkentaoist.com/episodes/episode-71-discussing-wild-life-ikkyu-sojun-robert Entry: God is in the Neurons Date: Thu Oct 22 23:21:04 EDT 2015 Would be interesting to find some references. Seems to be Chiren "Athene" Boumaaza. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bachir_Boumaaza: In 2011, Boumaaza released a full-length documentary called "Athene's Theory of Everything"[16] on the subject of conscious experience and perception. Although the work was not peer reviewed and neither scientifically nor philosophically rigorous, Boumaaza and his crew claimed that the work could have implications for science and metaphysics, and that many of its conclusions were supported by evidence in the field of neuroscience. A follow-up called "Athene's Scientific Cataclysm" [17] show it to be a joke. More links: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPEdDcs_8ZQ&feature=youtu.be&t=18 http://www.lifetwink.com/athenes-theory-of-everything/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/comments/1xutxe/god_is_in_the_neurons_documentary/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bachir_Boumaaza https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbh5l0b2-0o https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRH8McTn2r8 Ok, I was listening up to C=hf... Load of bull indeed. Entry: ego-less? Date: Thu Oct 22 23:50:15 EDT 2015 Ran into this searching for previous post's topics. http://thedaobums.com/topic/18041-ego-less/ Entry: How do you explain consciousness? Date: Fri Oct 23 00:11:35 EDT 2015 Maybe time to try to track down some more established thinkers and take a new look at some scientific contemporary ideas. How to find those in an era of hard-to-trust information? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Chalmers Reductionism doesn't work for explaining subjective experience. Consciousness is an anomaly. Crazy ideas are needed. Two crazy ideas: - Consciousness is fundamental - Consciousness is universal (panpsychism) Link consciousness to information. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Integrated_information_theory Entry: The hard problem of consciousness Date: Fri Oct 23 00:40:22 EDT 2015 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoZsAsgOSes Entry: No carthesian theatre / No second transduction Date: Fri Oct 23 14:05:23 EDT 2015 At about 1h: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoZsAsgOSes Bayesian predictive coding - "whatever next" paper. 1:23 http://www.cogsci.uci.edu/~ddhoff/ a little far out.. Entry: Motivation gone again.. Date: Sat Oct 24 15:49:19 EDT 2015 So I've just been doing chores. Inspiration isn't coming. Maybe it won't for a time until all the stuff is cleared. Meditation works again, meaning I do regain some center and remove some distraction when I actually sit. Other that that, the main sentiment is still: I don't want to. Ego self-defence. There is the knowledge that this is all there is to it: to just give in. Just let it go. And the I knows that - it wants to remain active, creating trouble. Entry: alcohol, the good parts Date: Sat Oct 24 21:41:25 EDT 2015 Alcohol simplifies. It brings up ambitious thoughts that would be quenched when wearing the hard core, cynical, dissapointed engineer hat. Somehow the simplification -- not knowing the trouble you're getting yourself into -- is essential for doing things. Alcohol can help get you in trouble, then by having to get out of trouble when sobering up, it might actually have caused some motion. Too bad it only lasts so short, and it's only the first, or first couple of beers.. After that, stupid really sets in in a noticable way. Not just the liberating lifting of limitatition and worry about practicalities.. Baggage. ETOH eliminates convoluted baggage.. EDIT: for a bit. The thing is really, it is a delusion. And for about an hour that delusion actually has a good effect. I.e. it is very convincing, view-changing. After that, there is only stupid. Entry: my left foot Date: Tue Oct 27 23:10:49 EDT 2015 I was always intrigued by that movie, but I don't think I actually saw it. Anyways, my left foot tingles when I move into concentration, or when I let go of "stomach cling". Feeling is inside the foot, more towards the top side, near the base of the toes. Entry: ingram Date: Tue Oct 27 23:26:29 EDT 2015 Watching Ingram's Cheetah House videos again. Time to get serious again.. Need to start at 0. 1 mind and body 2 cause and effect 3 three characteristics 4 arising and passing away (fireworks) 5 dissolusion (couch potato stage) 6 fear 7 misery 8 disgust 9 desire for deliverance 10 re-observation (all is wrong, kick in the ass) 11 equanimity (all is ok, don't stop!) .. stream entry In dark night, the main ch aracteristic is the desire to find objects "in front" but they are all around, comprising the observer. Entry: Morality Date: Mon Nov 2 08:04:39 EST 2015 Apart from the training in Concentration and Wisdom, maybe it is time to revisit training in Morality. More specifically, to re-integrate into the world. Apart from payed work, I live on the fringes, and I have lost connection with something that used to give me a lot of fulfilment: to feel part of a community of open source developers. In the last decade I went on a solitary pilgrimage, essentially to learn, but ultimately to get rid of arrogance of being able to do it all by myself. http://www.dharmaoverground.org/web/guest/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB+Morality,+The+First+and+Last+Training Entry: Tackling it at the root, 3C Date: Mon Nov 2 21:17:14 EST 2015 My current experience is overflowing with dissatisfaction, and a search for satisfaction. Very uncomfortable. Deeply embedded in ignorance. To turn that around, look at each sensation and notice that it does not satisfy. In conditioned phenomena, No permanence, No satisfaction, No self. Entry: Conditioned Date: Mon Nov 2 21:20:46 EST 2015 Meaning: depends on something else for its existence. So the unconditioned is what remains if all conditioned phenomena are removed. http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/8433/what-is-conditioned-phenomena Entry: Strong sit Date: Tue Nov 3 07:17:45 EST 2015 Woke up confused at night, went to sit with ear plugs and blinds. Got much deeper this way - seems that the traffic noise somehow distracts. This might be useful as a raft to discard later. Formless territory. After effects - a buzz - lasted very long after going back to bed. Slept like a rose. Entry: Ass kicked Date: Tue Nov 3 15:00:53 EST 2015 Today feels totally wrong. I just can't put myself to do anything. The traffic outside is really getting on my nerves. Been here before. Core thing is aversion: I *really* don't want to (or can't?) put in the mental effort to do this work right now. I'm doing anything else to keep my mind of things, including constructive and not-so-constructive displacement activity / procrastination. A strong feeling is also the shame over getting into this state: why is this happening? Why can't I just sit down and do this? It's more like I can't. Memory is failing. Oversight is gone. I have to look up everything. Similar to be debilitated by fear. Entry: Cycle continues Date: Thu Nov 5 10:30:31 EST 2015 Yesterday tired due to stress. Didn't sleep well. Today is much like Tuesday. Strong aversion to everything. Strong feeling that what is needed is just to push through, but the affinity for drama is too high. Traffic is getting on my nerves again. Entry: Better Date: Thu Nov 5 16:07:20 EST 2015 Got back into work until intrinsic motivation came back (how to trigger that?). Then aversion dropped below a level where it wasn't manageable. How to get out of this when it's actually going on? It's quite horrible from the inside... Is it just waiting or sitting? Entry: Subjectivity Date: Thu Nov 5 16:09:15 EST 2015 Maybe my interest in consciousness is re-awakened by having this wide spectrum of neurotic experiences. All these different insides feel real when they are activated, so there is probably no "real" one. Entry: Ingram's videos Date: Thu Nov 5 12:31:49 EST 2015 Watching the rest. So where am I at? There is a possibility that the breakthrough early 2012 was not SE, but equanimity, and that after that I slid back? Last two years have been quite horribly embedded, with strong aversion to work and relationships. The "self" has lost it's stranglehold, but aversion is still very strong and is definitely the next challenge. Entry: Unskillful action Date: Fri Nov 6 08:36:26 EST 2015 Maybe a good way to go about this is to eliminate unskillful action in the form of useless procrastination. Basically, the internet. All the other procrastination (doing the dishes, cleaning the house, fixing things) essentially has to be done anyway so just being aware of the avoidance should be good enough. It's hard to see where the aversion comes from. Basically because I'm not taking those problems seriously: they consume a lot of time and mental effort, and end up where I thought I already was: a place full of problems missing that one unanticipated problem. That's a core problem, really. Not accepting reality as it is. Having the arrogance to know how it is supposed to be. Whatever that means even.. Entry: Mindfulness in mundane work Date: Sat Nov 7 13:45:54 EST 2015 So something has sunk in again, that this concentration/awareness game is important. It is also very difficult. Some things: - I experience difficulty staying focused on the immedate present when doing maintenance work. Today that was doing the dishes, cleaning the basement, grinding up branches in the yard. It starts out fine until thoughts start to transport me elsewhere, and annoyance with the task at hand rises. - Connectedness is key. This is severly missing at this time. - Brain work creates a lot of aversion in my current state (fatigue, burnout?). Entry: Burnout Date: Sat Nov 7 13:50:40 EST 2015 Trying to find out what is key here. One, I'm bored. There is nothing interesting in the tasks I need to do. In fact there is a profound feeling of having done this before, and failing, or at least going through a long stretch of things that "shouldn't be problematic to begin with". Maybe it is just misplaced judgement? So beside boredom, there are some things under the surface that are masked by the aversion: fear (of failure), disgust (by the error-prone approach taken). There is also a noticable absence of curiosity. It's that "been there, suffered before, will suffer again" is dulling involvement. Entry: Ambition Date: Sat Nov 7 13:58:58 EST 2015 Is a problem. It is the arrogance of wanting to solve a problem of choice, and reap the benefits of doing that, while the real challenge is to solve the problem at hand, and reap no benefit at all. Just the next thing that it uncovers. Entry: Keeping busy Date: Sat Nov 7 14:14:17 EST 2015 One of the things to be aware of is the pattern of getting into displacement activity: doing things that are not helpful, other than taking up space to displace mental discomfort. Entry: Work Date: Sat Nov 7 17:51:07 EST 2015 So what to do about it? Approach each problem as a blank piece of paper? Beginner mind? Might be a useful trick. Entry: Simpler day Date: Sat Nov 7 17:53:02 EST 2015 (mostly) eliminating internet news has been very useful today. Mostly, in that it is fairly automatic, but what i can do is realize and drop it. Eliminating frantic displacement activity is another. It also happens automatic, and also can be dropped. No coffee. Seems to have a large effect: less stress. Take a nap. The absence of coffee introduces snooze-ready moments. Read a book. It doesn't allow for that "oh, let's look this up quickly" thing. Entry: reobservation? Date: Tue Nov 17 15:44:37 EST 2015 http://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB+10.+Re-observation/en "You see, Re-observation is actually all fluff and no substance, but if you confuse fluff for substance, the effect will be the same as if it actually had substance." I'm having a hard time, and it all feels very neurotic, as in creating the problem by engaging the aversion. It feels as if everything is wrong, nothing is enjoyable and there is no way out. "... very frustrating, as we wonder how many times we have to learn these lessons before they stick." Entry: Giving in Date: Tue Nov 24 22:07:09 EST 2015 Things are going better lately, that is, the "stuff". Meditation isn't progressing much because I guess I don't really practice apart from trying to go to bare sensate level whenever i catch myself getting lost in the stuff. That seems to be the most important thing to do: to cultivate the dayly chores mindfulness, because that's whare the mind chatter usually takes off. Days are difficult though. Maybe it is just the distraction - the traffic is still getting to me in those times. I'm feeling a lot of guilt lately. Another emotional run-in this evening. One of those escalations... Bane of the last couple of years. I still don't understand why it keeps happening. The mechanism is clear (reaction, anger, amplification, misunderstanding, unequal values and strong attachments, judgement, resentment, inability to accept reality). But still it just takes off. Still it feels every time that anger might force resolution this time. Anyway, the encounter leaves me feeling quite depressed after an otherwise ok day. It is clear though that the feeling of helplesness, hopelesness is just a rising emotion like any other, and that it is the giving in to that emotion, the emabracing of it as realy, is what makes the difference between a spiralling down and a, beh, it will pass. Remembering that is not easy. As my brother said quoting a Pema Chodron book: "there's this one thing we keep forgetting". Entry: Stuff Date: Tue Nov 24 23:07:41 EST 2015 So maybe it is time to step out of all of that neurotic stuff. Entry: self is that which is identified as morally good Date: Mon Dec 28 04:38:59 CET 2015 self is the identification with the good bits? http://edge.org/panel/headcon-13-part-viii Entry: new tricks Date: Mon Jan 25 15:40:03 EST 2016 Troublesome times again. I need a system. - eat - take a shower - put noise canceler on - stare out the window Entry: the rat race Date: Tue Mar 8 12:30:59 EST 2016 It's been a while, and I fell of the wagon again, deeply immersed in the chase of intellectual gratification. And knocked off my feet regularly as the desire for success can not be satisfied according to expectation. I find it very hard to sit down. Very strong aversion. Entry: obsession Date: Wed Mar 16 12:55:32 EDT 2016 not really about meditation, but about absorbtion into conditional phenomena i guess.. pattern: i need to do a task that has no intrinsic interest to me, making it hard to get motivated to start. once started, some intrinsic interest is discovered, flow is entered, and a sequences of days of fully absorbed work is engaged, leading to burnout. however, whenever that sequence is broken, complete motivation is lost, possibliy realizing the destructive nature of the obsessive streak. what to do about this? Entry: compromise Date: Wed Mar 16 12:59:24 EDT 2016 often leads to resentment if it was made to avoid conflict. Entry: engagement Date: Wed Mar 16 13:20:44 EDT 2016 Slipping into a low cycle. Trying to stay on top of it. Symptoms: disappointment, disconnection, overwhelm, inability to focus, lack of interest, lack of long-term perspective. Negative-selective memories (everything is shit). I'm still at a point where cognitively, I know this is a temporary state, but it feels impossible to escape as there are so many bats that hit me in the head when i try out a different direction. Basically, nothing works, and a sense of hopelessness sets in. Maybe the hopelesness is key here. Giving into that seems to start the waterfall. Keep trying? That seems to jolt things a little. Do not give up. Entry: no engagement Date: Sun Mar 27 21:10:43 EDT 2016 in anything. nothing satisfies. and rapid cycling. this is all starting to look a lot like old shit. maybe there is a way to get out of it with meditation afer all... (that took 11 days to reoccur). Entry: so what works? Date: Mon Mar 28 13:46:01 EDT 2016 got through it. what worked yesterday was: 1. do not give up, give in 2. be vulnerable yesterday, 1 put me back on the road, then 2 caused the emotional clot to wash through, and make room for sentiment. from this, it seems that two mechanisms keep it alive: giving in to the despair, e.g. taking it as a reality, and shielding oneself from anything that might create a strong emotional response. it is important to *experience* the emotion, to let it move along. Entry: anxiety and depression Date: Mon Mar 28 17:39:42 EDT 2016 Not the dharma, but interesting nonetheless. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/theory-knowledge/201603/anxiety-and-depression-are-symptoms-not-diseases Entry: Go into the pain Date: Tue May 10 15:47:29 EDT 2016 Experiencing a lot of pain caused by second order desire (wanting people to want things / be a certain way). Not sure why but the disappointment that brings is interfering with my ability to think straight. Did a meditation, going into the pain. And what is there, is love. An all the shit that comes with it: anger, disappointment, misalignment, judgement, ... Kind of done with all of it, but don't know what to do. Want to keep the love but ditch all the crap. Might not be possible... Again, strong attachment to expectation and judgment are key. What is clear is that my reference point got messed up over time. Entry: burnout Date: Sun May 29 10:37:21 EDT 2016 I think I've reached the where I can no longer ignore it. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them Entry: depression Date: Fri Jul 8 19:46:33 EDT 2016 The reduction of everything to no want, no interest. The inability to take action, even if known that action will improve situation. Entry: Thin Slices of Anxiety - Catherine Lepage Date: Sun Jul 17 13:40:06 EDT 2016 https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/23/thin-slices-of-anxiety-catherine-lepage/ Entry: Happiness for the Rationalist Date: Sat Jul 23 17:43:14 EDT 2016 A lot of the points on this list make me feel unfomfortable, because somehow I resent or resist them. The introversion bit quite strongly. Probably an indication that they might actually work. Flow has been my pilar. If that drops out, usually moving towards burning out, I'm miserable. http://lesswrong.com/lw/4su/how_to_be_happy/ Entry: Triggers Date: Fri Aug 5 11:27:55 EDT 2016 Here's two parts that clearly knock me off my feet, into the spiral: - Working very hard and not reaching closure - Dealing with people being "wrong" or "incompetent" Both of these are soaked in expectation. Of self and of others.. Both lead to a situation where all my mental energy is drained, and all that is left is a strong feeling of hopelessness. The draining happens through fighting, pushing, through working outside of the mechanism of flow, which doesn't need any push. I simply do not have a coping mechanism for being mentally drained, except for sleeping - but that doesn't work on caffeine. The main symptom is lack of interest in anything. The main cure is letting go of everything and waiting for that spark to return as it always does, even if every time it looks like it doesn't. The problem with this state is really the quality that there is no way out, that it is entrapment. Entry: Burnout Date: Sat Aug 6 09:51:53 EDT 2016 https://www.1843magazine.com/features/minds-turned-to-ash We commonly use the term "burnout" to describe the state of exhaustion suffered by the likes of Steve. It occurs when we find ourselves taken over by this internal protest against all the demands assailing us from within and without, when the momentary resistance to picking up a glass becomes an ongoing state of mind. ... The relationship to stress and anxiety is crucial, for it distinguishes burnout from simple exhaustion. Run a marathon, paint your living room, catalogue your collection of tea caddies, and the tiredness you experience will be infused with a deep satisfaction and faintly haloed in smugness - feelings that confirm you've discharged your duty to the world for at least the remainder of the day. The exhaustion experienced in burnout combines an intense yearning for this state of completion with the tormenting sense that it cannot be attained, that there is always some demand or anxiety or distraction which can't be silenced. ... You feel burnout when you've exhausted all your internal resources, yet cannot free yourself of the nervous compulsion to go on regardless. Life becomes something that won't stop bothering you. Among its most frequent and oppressive symptoms is chronic indecision, as though all the possibilities and choices life confronts you with cancel each other out, leaving only an irritable stasis. ... In previous generations, depression was likely to result from internal conflicts between what we want to do and what authority figures - parents, teachers, institutions - wish to prevent us from doing. But in our high-performance society, it's feelings of inadequacy, not conflict, that bring on depression. ... Burnout is not simply a symptom of working too hard. It is also the body and mind crying out for an essential human need: a space free from the incessant demands and expectations of the world. Entry: time to reboot Date: Mon Aug 15 15:17:32 EDT 2016 Back at the "everything is too much effort" stage. I really don't know how to live without working until I drop... Entry: Love/hate work Date: Fri Sep 2 15:48:45 EDT 2016 Entirely dependent on the ability to appreciate, which stems mostly from ability to understand. Sometimes, there is only stupid. For whatever reason... And stupid with the assumption of not-stupid creates a lot of grief. Entry: Snap Date: Wed Sep 7 23:21:21 EDT 2016 Something went wrong again today. Might be triggered by the heat and resentment wrt. work and chores, but left with a feeling of disinterest and a strong desire to drink. Entry: Stuck Date: Fri Sep 9 02:49:58 EDT 2016 The thing to remember: "normal" will come back. Can't sleep. Might still be heat and humidity... Completely unable to focus on anything... So much of my perception of wellbeing seems to hinge on the ability to think. It still amazes me how permanent and unescapable this state can feel. As if there is really no hope to ever enjoy life again. Entry: Cut through Date: Fri Sep 9 11:10:59 EDT 2016 So looks like I made it to the point of obvious ridiculousness. The point where it is obvious that navel-gazing is at the core. Not sure how - it just happened. Entry: motivation Date: Fri Sep 23 12:40:59 EDT 2016 Burned out. All motivation is extrinsic at this point. Would like to stop for a while, but that doesn't seem like it is possible -- not sure what it solves either. Problem is expectation, perception. Still a lot of not-so-interesting work to do... Product is complex. When I stop working for 2 weeks I've forgotten most of the lore needed to continue development and testing. Basically, I need to keep this going, bootstrap motivation (once a problem becomes interesting, there is no motivation problem). Main symptom: the "background brightness" is gone. As if it is just switched off. Same old. What works is to kick-start that part by doing something interesting, relevant. So I can't seem to get through. Tired, mostly. Can't think. Can't be bothered. Maybe just trust that it will pass. And rest.. Entry: sit Date: Wed Oct 5 23:05:12 EDT 2016 made peace with the cars on the road felt deep glow of love felt fear drop away tears of pain lifted absurdity of monkey business so clear from that vantage point. what is it that pulls me into that world? the gratification of the temporary feeling of control? it's bound to fall apart again anyway, but underneath that all there is love. Entry: alone Date: Thu Oct 6 21:08:38 EDT 2016 spending a couple of days alone i see what i need. retreats _and_ reunions. a more balanced life. a more balanced attitude towards community and isolation. Entry: Fear - point vs. line Date: Tue Oct 11 01:29:29 EDT 2016 Fear is a center thing, and can be washed away by a flow thing. Spreading out in time and space helps. Fear is always about an imagined point in the future. What is hard about standing next to fear instead of inside it, is that it is taken as real. The imagined future point of realization of intense discomfort. Entry: two states Date: Mon Oct 24 00:54:12 EDT 2016 So it's fairly clear that I have two main states of being, corresponding to sentiment being "online" or "powered down" - let's call them heart and mind state. Both states are aware of each other, but are not "friends", and feel like different personalities. Transitioning between these two states happens gradually from heart -> mind, e.g. during work, getting gradually more obsessive and attached. Transition the other way is more sudden, often through conversation or reading or other strong insight of having lost something. Anger can cause sudden change in the other direction. The mind state's mantra is "no need for this sentimental bullshit". It seems to know that it cannot survive meditation, so actively resists it. Both feel embarrasment for each other. Both have their role to play, but the mind state can escalate into aloof obsession, while the heart state is more naturally stable, but can be taken over by something that peaks intellectual curiosity. In mind state, empathy is absent, and strong emotions in other people can feel highly threatening, pushing away. In heart state empathy is functional and same emotions can cause feelings of compassion. I can't willingly switch between states. Nor do I want to if the condition is pronounced. Mind state is more common after waking up, heart state more just before going to bed. What I'm describing seems to be https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_detachment Entry: Scott Adams Date: Sat Nov 26 21:06:13 EST 2016 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJCJpmUAy0s All of our issues are psychological. Once you've got food and nobody is shooting at you, your problems tend to be mental. Entry: Jordan Peterson Date: Mon Dec 5 15:13:31 EST 2016 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04wyGK6k6HE&t=3753s http://jordanbpeterson.com/ http://selfauthoring.com/ "Maps of meaning" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tQOlQRp3gQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rM8JsibkrI8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mO9LUWs5M60 esp part 2 "people do not have ideas. ideas have people." (Jung) paraphrased: look at what you are saying, does it make you feel powerful or weak? if latter, it's false! don't say things that are not true. Entry: Alcohol Date: Thu Dec 8 11:07:06 EST 2016 Incredible how polarized the experience is. Day after, dull and somewhat depressed. Clearly in regret about having to pay a whole day. The experience itself was filled with happiness, with lots of memories to alcohol-fueled bonding moments, a clear feeling of wanting to connect to people. Entry: insight Date: Sat Dec 10 22:29:09 EST 2016 It is clear that I am not doing well. Self-sabotage, and escapism. How to bring back awareness that I need to face problems, not evade them? EDIT: waking up next morning, it's clear I don't want to face anything. Just explore, wander the impolsove path, chasing curiosity gratification without thinking too hard, without forcing it. Maybe just tired of "work", i.e. going down a chores list.. Entry: thread Date: Tue Dec 13 21:49:32 EST 2016 There is no thread through my story. It gets nuked by depression from time to time, then re-emerges in different form from the ashes. If this is the case, what is the significance of that story? Attempting to let it go leaves me confused. Entry: intellectual discomfort and overwhelm Date: Tue Dec 13 23:46:46 EST 2016 It is painful to (be forced) to learn about something you don't know anything about, while you perceive you do not have adequate time to do so. However, it is seems to be always possible to set aside the emotion (overwhelm), and focus on marginal gain: what is the (completely feasible) action to take that is the most effective to get to part of the goal? This has to go together with the acceptance that it might be entirely possible that the full goal does not get reached. This is OK. It is however not OK to give up and go completely bankrupt without trying to make a cool-headed attempt. This is something I have never actually learned while growing up. Maybe because ultimately, I was able to pass the bar by just relying on emotional impulses, fear, hubris, and plain old enjoyment of the job. I've reached a point though where a more rational assesment of self-imposed obstacles is imperative. Entry: border of chaos Date: Fri Dec 16 22:01:24 EST 2016 Jordan Peterson: Reality and the Sacred https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2c3m0tt5KcE The optimally meaningful life is to be found on the border between chaos and order. You're secure enough to be confident, but not so secure that you're bored, and you're interested enough to be awake, but not so interested that you're terrified. Then time slips by you and you are no longer self-conscious. Entry: depression linked to dominance hierarchy? Date: Wed Dec 21 18:55:07 EST 2016 From Peterson's lectures. Looking for a reference, this turned up: https://www.huxley.net/rankmood/ depression: yielding component of ritual agonistic conflict mania: mania evolved as the winning component of ritual agonistic behaviour Group-living individuals [...] require more prolonged and complex winning and losing subroutines, for a loser may have to give up a position in the hierarchy that he has held for many years. Entry: humor Date: Mon Dec 26 22:40:38 EST 2016 Is the purpose of humor to counteract fear? Fear comes from emulating undesireable futures through rational thought, and humor undermines rational thought through absurdity. Entry: episodes Date: Wed Dec 28 01:07:40 EST 2016 micro-depressions? not sure what triggered them. just a couple of hours. quick onset, quick drop. meanwhile i feel puzzled why it happens, knowing (trusting?) that it will flip again, but feeling fearful by not knowing when, and feeling frustrated by not being able to control it. empathy and other social emotions seem to be part of the drop. not sure if it is cause or effect, this time watching tv. Thinking... maybe this is defeat-triggered. Something did happen today that might be triggering those circuits.. Entry: overwhelm and thought shutdown Date: Fri Dec 30 16:55:07 EST 2016 The "bug" I am stuck at: inability to focus on the problem due to inability to find an entry point. This presents itself as despair: "it's no use", "its too hard". Is there wisdom in looking closer at these emotions to see when exactly they get triggered? One of the interesting patterns is that I find no joy in giving up. The pervasive feeling of being defeated takes away interest in everything. How to break through that? Another intresting pattern is that once this feeling of defeat gets pierced, I have courage to try again, only to be defeated again very soon after realizing the task is too big. Entry: greed and aversion, second path fetters Date: Sat Dec 31 17:11:37 EST 2016 Maybe, let's just go with it. It makes sense. Greed and aversion are still very much present and basically dominate my life. Not in the most obvious sense (stuff, money), but w.r.t. that human currency: attention. http://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/2907796 The main thing is that there are not many things that I really want or really hate, but for those that do trigger the sentiment, I am all lost. Entry: dream Date: Sat Dec 31 18:14:54 EST 2016 Watched "Her" movie. Reminded of how important it is to dream, to have something to aspire to. And love is the thing that makes it all possible. Entry: stubbornness Date: Sun Jan 1 15:43:22 EST 2017 What is the evolutionary purpose of stubbornness? The inability to submit to an undesired state of reality? Entry: relevance, interest, motivation Date: Tue Jan 3 21:07:18 EST 2017 It remains a problem. Will power only goes so far. It would be nice to find a way to trick curiosity, because when it comes down to intellectual work, does it really matter? Maybe a big part of the problem is having created the problems... A normal thing to do then is to just drop everything. I would assume that in the environment our emotional machine was evolved, this would be the thing to do. Some things just take too damn long to complete, and it becomes effectively infinite, leading to a "trapped" situation. Maybe the insight is that curiosity disappears when the promise of reward disappears? E.g. nothing interesting is likely to happen. Hard to express this non-circularly! https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curiosity Entry: Rogers Date: Sat Jan 7 00:49:35 EST 2017 https://books.google.com/books?id=dj5z7vVGxuwC&pg=PA265&lpg=PA265&dq=%22the+next+time+you+get+into+an+argument%22&source=bl&ots=04sWYnZw8b&sig=52re7wUEbntXjQQpZKVNedfyfLo&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjF7Ov2qq_RAhUi_4MKHaFiAuYQ6AEIKTAD#v=onepage&q=%22the%20next%20time%20you%20get%20into%20an%20argument%22&f=false https://youtu.be/V9Ql5V7-OQo?t=3893 http://www4.uwsp.edu/english/mbowman/Argument/Rogers.pdf "Each person can speak up for himself only after he has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately, and to that speaker’s satisfaction.” Entry: imitation to understanding Date: Sun Jan 8 16:41:01 EST 2017 ... is the path of becoming wise. can't do anything practical without imitation of existing patterns, but can't become wise without understanding how those patterns came to be. Entry: There is more space inside your head than outside your head. Date: Thu Jan 19 00:01:16 CET 2017 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdNJTP6tYMs&t=1484 Entry: One of those days again.. Date: Wed Feb 8 16:03:52 EST 2017 Nothing I can do. Brain simply doesn't work. Memory is broken, insight and oversight are gone. Only bad decisions come out. Reason? Probably a consequence of a bad night sleep, getting interrupted, and feeling utterly disappointed by how hard this work is to get under control. What I want to do is to fix the mess, simplify, because frankly I can't work with it when I'm in this reduced mental state, and I can't fix it either because that requires even more insight. Entry: Criticize your own doubts Date: Sun Feb 12 18:25:56 EST 2017 From Jordan Peterson: The other thing that people have a hard time with is that they are not very good at criticizing their own doubts. Someone will be doing something and a stray thought will come into mind "Well what the hell is the point of this?". And because it comes with a negative emotional punch and some power they think "Oh yeah that is definitely true". It's not, it's just some chattering dabbling in your head that makes the same stupid criticisms to everyone. Just because it's negative, doesn't mean it's true. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcEJr8h_yGM&t=1s Entry: Motivation vs. Discipline Date: Mon Feb 13 20:13:17 EST 2017 Yes, it's time again. Loosing the battle. Ran into nerdfittness - might be worth a try. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD3wXyAfyD8 Fuck motivation. Cultivate discipline. Now this is definitely a personality trait. Entry: Thinking and Speaking Date: Tue Feb 14 20:39:56 EST 2017 "You must let people speak. Most people do not know what they think until they speak." He also mentions this exposes internal inconsistencies. This I've seen clearly in me speaking about politics. As I never write about it, and rarely speak, it is as he says: at the point the words come out of my mouth, I often realize my argument is ill-conceived. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G59QpvdQa5w Entry: identity Date: Fri Feb 17 15:23:12 EST 2017 So what is this thing, besides a tool for making social interactions work? To give people a set of options along which to classify you. The thing is, I'm getting very annoyed by any form of identification I see in others. I am this or I am that. It can be a useful tool, but often is taken as a much more central idea, and I can't really condone that, nor humor it. I feel pretty strong about it too. Weird. Entry: too agreeable Date: Sat Feb 18 22:39:39 EST 2017 Peterson on being too agreeable: - People need assertiveness training. They're too naive and they can't stand up for themselves. Be less compassionate and more honest. - You can tell if you're too compassionate because you're resentful. You have some things to say and you're not sayig them. https://youtu.be/pcNInM6Gf5k?t=3180 Entry: Depression and "I" Date: Sun Mar 5 06:28:37 EST 2017 After about 40 minutes in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJ4JEypNH2s It is mentioned that depression correlates with the use of the pronoun "I" in written word. That depression is a disease of overly self-focused attention. Entry: On speaking the truth Date: Sun Mar 5 18:29:17 EST 2017 Yeah this guy is remarkable. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27dshxbbPlg On lying being the worst thing you can do to people. It warps their reality. At 46:00 "One of the most useful psychological excercises that anyone can ever do: Start with the assumption that many the things you think and say aren't yours, and that you don't believe them. They're just things that you've picked up for one reason or another as you've walked through life, and you brandish them like markers of your status. But they aren't really you. Because what is really you is hard to figure out. So you have to start from that assumption. Then start listening to what you say. And feeling what you say as well. And here's the rule. It's a very simple rule. Pay attention to whether what you say makes you feel stronger, or weaker. If it makes you feel stronger, then you can keep saying it. But if it makes you feel weaker then you should stop saying it. Stop saying it right away. If you can reformulate your words. So that when you restate them that feeling of integrity and strength reappears. And you can feel it really down the middle of your body. And because what happens when you're saying something that's untrue is that you dissociate to some degree. Because part of you agrees with it and part of you doesn't. It's that you're splitting your psyche." "Like cognitive dissonance" "Yes it's very much like cognitive dissonance. But if you pay very close attention to what you say, you can feel yourself coming into alignment if you get the words right. And when you're in alignment like that you're centered in your being. If you're centered in your being, you can withstand suffering without becoming corrupted. And that's what people want when they say they want meaningful lives. They mean 'I want to be somewhere where I can stand powerfully.' And withstand the onslaught of life with its deaths and its tragedies and all the things that are associated with it. And you can learn to speak from the bottom of your soul. And if you do that, there's nothing better than that." Entry: The problem is in rooting in mental being Date: Tue Mar 14 00:06:54 EDT 2017 Being is more general. Why these traps? In times when I can't think clearly, why is there so much resentment to just be in that state? Every morning since about a week or so, I wake up being embedded in things I have to do. To such extent that it takes away all the joy. Where did this go so wrong? All I see is chaos. So all I can do, is tackle that chaos, one bit at a time. Entry: Harris & Harris on meditation Date: Wed Apr 5 16:32:16 EDT 2017 2:39:00 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4utkb6vSyQ Entry: Social kids Date: Wed May 17 01:52:14 CEST 2017 Between 2 and 3, a kid learns to play a game with another person: develop the ability to share a frame of reference. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fola6I9q61U Entry: Weirdness - Shamed for the most? Date: Thu Oct 19 00:44:16 CEST 2017 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79zra755WgA - enthusiasm - naivety, being wrong with conviction - anything sexual What's most weird? Conformity in both conformance and rejection. Entry: Practice Date: Sun Oct 22 19:28:57 CEST 2017 Time to get started again. 19:30, practice until 20:00 The no-self door is visual The suffering door is aversion. The impermanence door is unclear, maybe audiory? What is lacking is concentration. Gets better after sitting for half an hour. Things do quiet down. Points of interest: visual no-self (figure/ground), and suffering/aversion and resentment. Also quite spaced out. Memory is failing me. This really brought a lot of quiet. No interest in twitter. And then the insight: I'm grateful of living with such a difficult partner, as she clearly brings out the need for me to cultivate compassion and be aware of resentment and expectation :) EDIT: Another half hour sit 21:30 to 22:00. More jahnic. Really spaced out now. Followed aversion, shame which catapulted me into high concentration with flashy stars. Asked for visit. Felt some familiar presence for a couple of seconds. EDIT: After, restless and fear. Might also be the gigantic amount of chocolate I ate.. Entry: Conformity knowledge Date: Sun Oct 22 21:17:34 CEST 2017 Deconstructing every element -- the 10/20Hz thing. Doing this with sounds seems possible. Doing this with vision seems to make no sense. EDIT: Visual: look at the details, and that there are many of them. Also helps to look at moving things. Entry: Morning sit Date: Mon Oct 23 11:03:33 CEST 2017 10:45 started 30 mins, but stopped after 20. Unable to concentrate. Drank 3 coffees. Brain is going everywhere. Tried to observe it but ultimately stepped away. Pattern is consistent: inability to stomach any kind of discomfort. Or put differently: discomfort triggers strong impulse to avoidance. Entry: Difficult people Date: Mon Oct 23 15:21:31 CEST 2017 There are a couple of those in my life these days... Get me agitated in an instant. Two things: 1. observe the anger reaction -- there is much to learn here, and 2. be more skillful in finding a balance between not putting up with people's shit, and being patient when things simply go wrong while the other end is actually searching for a middle ground and not just being an ass. Entry: Some kinds of suffering are hard to deconstruct Date: Wed Oct 25 23:16:43 CEST 2017 Any kind of suffering puts me back into strong identification. Trying to put it in words in MCTB-speak: seeing that visual, auditory, touch are not self is possible, but seeing the components in suffering is not. Example: sitting down in meditation, wandering off, and not wanting to go back to concentration because it is too painful. "I can't be bothered.". At that point it is even hard to imagine that the point of the exercise is to deconstruct the "fused" construct, the entire "woe me" state, into their components. It is now easier to do this for anger, resentment, shame, fear unless it is very direct. I.e. anxiety because it is often linked to some desire, and making the desire explicit makes breaks the feedback loop. But I can't seem to do this for moments when concentration is hard to achieve. The sensations that make up the suffering get clouded by the entirety. Entry: Programming, working, doing chores Date: Thu Oct 26 00:51:31 CEST 2017 The resentment that comes with that is a prime specimen of the unpenetrated glob of senstations that is identified as self: I don't want this. EDIT (next morning): So it's all nice and dandy to write down the intention; to actually do it is something completely different. At this point, I'm squarely in the "I don't want to think hard" embedded construct. EDIT: The problem is to distinguish between laziness (unwillingness to get motivated) and tiredness (physical inability to hold a set of concepts in working memory for insights to form). For the latter it is often enough to just give it a couple of minutes of rest. For the former, which feels similar, rest doesn't work, but stepping outside of the "woe is me" part does. Entry: Solid suffering Date: Thu Oct 26 19:55:17 CEST 2017 The suffering (just aversion, really) feels solid. Deconstructing that in a way similar to other sensations is the task at hand. I don't really find a way in... Started a sit 5 minutes ago, and writing this as an "important intermezzo". So maybe go to the maps. This is reobservation or dissolution. I had fear clearly this afternoon and late last night, so it is possible this is reobservation. The key there is to see through the bombardment. To not give up. What am I doing? Giving up. Finding excuses. Back to sit. Ok. So I sat/reclined it out.. But that's it. Nowhere near any form of concentration. EDIT: Trying to describe it. Not wanting to listen, read, think. Wanting to bliss out, get excited and come, wanting to read news feeds. I'm going to need to call this something because it is so clear. What about "the fog" ? Entry: So what next Date: Thu Oct 26 22:58:29 CEST 2017 - eliminate distractions - when the fog comes, sit and observe it, deconstruct it - set intention. this needs to go somewhere, be directed. - stay on the cusion, do the time Entry: map Date: Thu Oct 26 23:01:33 CEST 2017 https://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB+The+Progress+of+Insight The Pre-Vipassana Stages, 1st Vipassana Jhana # 1. Mind and Body 2. Cause and Effect 3. The Three Characteristics The 2nd Vipassana Jhana # 4. The Arising and Passing Away The 3rd Vipassana Jhana, The Dukkha Ñanas, The Dark Night # 5. Dissolution 6. Fear 7. Misery 8. Disgust 9. Desire for Deliverance 10. Re-observation The 4th Vipassana Jhana # 11. Equanimity 12. Conformity 13. Change of Lineage 14. Path Nirvana (first of two meanings) # 15. Fruition Review # 16. Review Entry: improving concentration Date: Thu Oct 26 23:05:49 CEST 2017 https://www.wikihow.com/Improve-Your-Concentration - reset - diet - exercise - one thing at a time, to completion (dont context-switch) Exercises: - upper body dumbbels - thighs & calfs Entry: observing the fog Date: Thu Oct 26 23:20:18 CEST 2017 That's a nice battle cry. The irony is that the fog is the not engaging, it's the boredom and the laziness. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sloth_(deadly_sin) "habitual disinclination to exertion" Entry: Kenneth's 100 clicks Date: Thu Oct 26 23:24:47 CEST 2017 https://soundcloud.com/michael-taft-5/dy-001-am-i-mindful-right-now-with-guest-kenneth-folk - completeness of small moments awareness more important than long sitting sessions - watch body transitions in social situations - intensity of directed attention potentiates awakening - "checking the box" intensity is boring, nothing for your mind to get into, while flow is the opposite - if you want to get stronger, you have to lift the weights - flow theory, goldilocks zone of attention (too easy vs too hard), meditation: adjust the difficulty to keep flow possible https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satipatthana Entry: Ok.. WTF Date: Fri Oct 27 01:58:29 CEST 2017 So I start doing these exercises mentioned in the podcast before falling asleep, and I wake up with intense negative emotions of disapproval and judgement. (disgust?) https://www.dharmaoverground.org/dharma-wiki/-/wiki/Main/MCTB+9.+Desire+for+Deliverance Entry: So really, the solution to "fog" Date: Fri Oct 27 11:09:10 CEST 2017 I mentioned before I don't see whether the fog is due to boredom or tackling a problem that is simply too hard. Going back to what Michael was saying about tuning difficulty to keep flow possible, maybe that can also be done with the programming? Often when I think the problem is easy and I'm just lazy, what is really going on is that I do not see the full picture and subconsciously realize it will be very very hard. Entry: So it works Date: Sat Oct 28 10:20:23 CEST 2017 But it has nothing to do with attainment. Listened to episode 2 of Michael Taft's podcast with Kenneth Folk, about the cosmic joke. This is it. It cannot be anything other than this. Did a less formal reclining noticing exercise. Entry: Fog Date: Sat Oct 28 20:57:03 CEST 2017 So the mud, and the fog, is that it too? Entry: Taft & Folk 3 Date: Sat Oct 28 23:27:05 CEST 2017 Death denial. Interesting points. Human life is bikeshedding. Kenneth is funny sometimes :) When suffering -> Am I mindful? I don't know, let me check. Then leads to "bandwidth use" in the investigation such that the "Kenneth routine" can't run, which is enough to pop out of it for a small amount of time. Also compare first episode, refering to the arbiter checking if an experience was 100% pure. Then counting those on a clicker to reach 100 in a day. Sounds a bit like HAIETMOBA. Taft: Having a bad time? Let's have a look at that, right now. That's the move. And about the german guy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Metzinger Taft: switching belief systems. Entry: Life is Bikeshedding Date: Fri Nov 3 07:46:08 EDT 2017 So true. Spending time on getting infrastructure in order, while not tackling the real issues that cause suffering because, well, they are just too complicated. Entry: Am I mindful right now? Date: Sun Nov 5 08:41:23 EST 2017 Golf clicker counter arrived. So let's give this thing a try. http://deconstructingyourself.com/podcast/dy-001-mindful-right-now-guest-kenneth-folk 10:20 Profound mindfulness is always a punctuated event 11:47 Kenneth’s new mindfulness practice Am I mindful? I don't know, let me check. And now I have to prove it. So I say 3 things that prove that I am actually mindful. . . . And because my internal auditer is willing to sign off on that, I'm going to give myself 3 attaboys. - remembering to do the thing - profound engagement Entry: Perfectionism Date: Sun Nov 5 09:30:41 EST 2017 It is a problem. I spend a lot of time fretting over things not being exactly the way I want them to be, not realizing the cost of that. Entry: Clicker Date: Mon Nov 6 13:44:17 EST 2017 In units of 3. Goal is 100, so 33 units. Harder than expected. 20171105,11 EDIT: 11/12 -- Surprisingly difficult to maintain this. Feeling a lot of resistance, but hard to stick with that resistance. As mentioned before, it really needs to be mined and deconstructed. Entry: Small sit Date: Sun Nov 12 21:58:02 EST 2017 Mostly concentration for 10 minutes, then switched to candle flame which brought up some absorption state and calmed me down a bit. Actually, that came after feeling overwhelming mass of undesirable sensations, which then triggered a recognition of "might be all fluff", which then allowed me to ease into it and get through to absorption like state, but not clear-headed. What I've noticed is that I am not in a position to do insight practice in a state of unrest. I do need to calm down and do some form of concentration before I can even start. Entry: Trying to "contain" experience Date: Thu Nov 23 18:41:50 EST 2017 An attempt to explain. Happens often after listening to music when for some reason it goes off in some direction where I can't "contain" it any longer, then disengage from it. Likely this is just being tired, but there is something hidden underneath. Some strong aversion against not being able to classify all the input. Can I turn this into a practice? Since it happens nearly every day. Entry: Meaning and strong emotions Date: Thu Nov 30 12:06:56 EST 2017 I wonder if they are really the same. If meaning caused by is some kind of temporary narrowing of goals caused by strong emotions. In the absence of strong emotional drives, there is just awareness and a sort of harmony with the flow of things. Anyways, good to be aware of. Desires for things to be a certain way. Entry: selfindulgence Date: Mon Dec 4 23:25:59 EST 2017 awareness of death is only cure because that brings out love Entry: resistance Date: Mon Dec 11 23:34:59 EST 2017 Why do I resist meditation? This keeps happening in periods. Some ego self-defence or something. Entry: That cloud Date: Wed Dec 13 00:01:44 EST 2017 I wonder what it is, why it is there. Have no sense of clarity. Entry: concentration is inherently pleasurable Date: Sat Jan 6 20:27:08 EST 2018 hard to remember that Entry: Jeff Warren Date: Sat Jan 13 23:42:53 EST 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtPs6Kuqjs0 around 1:00:00 About choosing the battles. About not caring and letting go of control to conserve energy to be able to act when it is necessary. Entry: Holding on Date: Tue Jan 30 00:01:22 EST 2018 Sometimes it is so clear that what is needed is to let go, but at the same time it is also clear that that is not going to happen any time soon. In my cycle, I really need to reach the point of crisis before I can sit and surrender. Almost there... Entry: Gary Weber Date: Thu Feb 22 19:52:27 CET 2018 http://happiness-beyond-thought.com/ https://youtu.be/SOvdVjOtMXg Some notes: - surrender - getting out of the way of process https://youtu.be/EK8pcUt4gio http://www.happiness-beyond-thought.com/tsc.html - self-referential memories do not get stored Entry: Better Date: Thu Feb 22 23:26:13 CET 2018 Back home, feeling better overall. Maybe it is just the social contact? What I notice is that it is absolutely not about content of conversations, only about the feeling of belonging and being accepted. Now, how to take that back? Entry: On grasping Date: Sat Feb 24 13:13:46 CET 2018 On 02/24/2018 01:05 PM, Antti Karttunen wrote: >> One thing that seems to come with meditation is an arms race: your self >> learns to fight for its life. > "Self" or "ego" or ...? > > https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_suppression Something like that. I'm not sure what words to use, but the behavioral pattern is clear in my mind. I use the term "embedded" as it's closest to what seems to be important: the fact that you are attached to the story and want to be part of it. The grasping seems to be there for a good reason: if you really let go, the thing grasped completely disappears. It's such a necessary element that it makes good sence why these thoughts are so circular: it's the only way this structure can be maintained on underlying hardware that is mostly interested in cause and effect. It's like how you implement an operating system in a functional programming language: using tail recursive calls :) Entry: On getting overwhelmed Date: Mon Mar 12 10:20:29 EDT 2018 Main problem is still rooted in sensitivity to disapproval for failure, combined with strong aversion to actually tackle the problem in the current state. This causes a stress feedback loop. The most important bit is to fist break that cycle. Entry: It is about stopping Date: Fri Mar 30 09:35:38 EDT 2018 Somewhere in here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_acNtmiikY Entry: Meaningness Date: Tue May 8 23:55:50 EDT 2018 https://meaningness.com/misunderstanding-meaningness-makes-many-miserable Mission and materialism are not the only possibilities. You can, instead, do things that you enjoy and that are useful to others. Entry: Seriously stuck Date: Sun Jun 3 19:32:21 EDT 2018 Aversion. Escapism. Entry: Bread Date: Sun Jun 3 21:39:11 EDT 2018 https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2011/06/better-no-knead-bread-recipe.html 3 days. maybe a good way to add some non-instant gratification to my daily process. Entry: suchness, nondualism Date: Thu Jul 5 00:41:36 EDT 2018 No matter, no mind: neither. Mind is what is looking out from the inside. Matter is what appears looking in from the outside. 1:14:30 http://deconstructingyourself.com/podcast/dy-022-stream-entry-with-guest-culadasa https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tath%C4%81t%C4%81 Entry: regain some insight Date: Sat Aug 11 15:25:44 EDT 2018 Be ok with being tired and not being able to work much. I've been 100% focused on work and study, exercise, which is wearing me out. Don't take it all too serious. Even if it all comes falling down, there is life and joy after that. Entry: anicca Date: Sat Sep 1 15:53:07 EDT 2018 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impermanence Shinzen's "flow", and "gone". https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1721&v=xF5V9r7_ZHI The essence of noting. Time to declutter. Let's first create the space. "You have to reach the point where every time you button your shirt or tie your shoe laces you purify 5000 lifetimes of karma." "Quotidien, neutral experiences. To reach the point where that is a purification simply means that you have such a complete experience of that ordinary event that you taste purification within it. It's a limiting view that the only way you could purify consciousness is by going through experiences that are intense and uncomfortable." Going back to doing chores. It's been the one place where thoughts are going rampant, and where they cause discomfort. I've otherwise eliminated place for thought by doing inherently interesting concentrated work. Time to learn to concentrate on the mundane. Entry: uncomfortable Date: Mon Sep 3 14:02:45 EDT 2018 Nevertheless, do uncomfortable things. In my case especially, aversion is the main impediment. Entry: Stuck in dark night? Date: Wed Sep 5 13:31:53 EDT 2018 Maybe change the model from depression to this being a meditation thing. Everything is bleh. Tricks that have worked before is to let it all in, instead of trying to shield from unpleasant things. Entry: Voices Date: Wed Sep 5 22:10:35 EDT 2018 Maybe the antidote to getting overwhelmed with voices, opinions, is letting them all in, absorbing all of humanity. Entry: fear Date: Sat Sep 15 09:09:03 EDT 2018 Before: don't want to, after: should have. Rinse, repeat. Fear is the thing that overrides all the other driving emotions. It is increadibly divisive, creating a constant should i / should i not tension. Once the fear dissipates, it is obvious that i should have. While it is present, it will likely win out. Override. Entry: emptiness Date: Sat Sep 15 15:56:29 EDT 2018 So basically, there is no intrinsic quality to anything. Even the things you "like". There is only the arising of sentiments triggered while performing the "enjoyable" experience. The confusion that arises when those feelings do not arise as expected, can be substantial. I am running into this more and more passing through the burn-out threshold with work. I am experiencing more these periods of prolonged shut-down, sometimes days in a row. A weekend is no longer enough to recover. Mostly this happens after something is "done". When the stress disappears. Entry: organge site vibrations Date: Thu Nov 8 17:52:08 EST 2018 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=18401816 Entry: 8-fold path, 4 paths, 10 fetters Date: Tue Dec 4 00:17:50 EST 2018 https://deconstructingyourself.com/podcast/dy-010-attention-awareness-and-the-great-adventure-with-guest-culadasa 1: - knowledge that there is no separate self - still embedded in it 1->2: - realization that craving and/or attachment to self is the problem - this then fuels progress So what happened? I got very attached to computer programming. Podcast doesn't say much about the 8-fold path, but it seems useful to go over it again. Eliminating the ones that do not make sense https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noble_Eightfold_Path Entry: craving Date: Tue Dec 4 00:27:30 EST 2018 Something I always misunderstood: craving is desire AND aversion. Entry: The nessary self in relationships Date: Sun Dec 9 11:55:53 EST 2018 Put aside the fact that self does appear to be a construct, it is essential in framing social relations. Most importantly, there is no way to explain a "predicament" to somebody without strong embedding in a self-referential story. I find in so many situations, the important message to convey is the difficulty of making a decision given a certain situation. Basically, sometimes a solid story is really necessary. Entry: back to dharma Date: Mon Dec 10 21:52:57 EST 2018 session while driving a little over an hour. focusing on the traffic instead of breath -- seemed like a good idea :) difficult at first, but after ten minutes or so it started to become a little easier. trying to take the advice that noting can be anything that was experienced. noted some new things: - end of mental "story". ( end of simulation ), and strongly, the physical sensation of the emotion it evoked. - awareness of after-image of sensory field after coming out of mental story. i.e. while story is going on, sensory field still coming in but not noticed. after popping out, last couple of seconds have left an imprint. - noting "i should be noting" right after driving i walked into a stressful situation. got stressed, but kept relatively calm. no spiralling. part of "the joke" came back: some situations are just really impossible to resolve. and i guess, that's ok. it is still possible to be compassionate though. but it's clear. this is really necessary.. how to realize that from the other side though. Entry: Creating the optimal state of mind for Meditation - Culadasa at NYIMC Date: Wed Dec 12 19:11:08 EST 2018 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk2XQFwESIk&t=14s - focused attention - peripheral awareness focusing on an object "gets it out of the way", so you can develop peripheral awareness. mindfulness is the optimal interaction between these two. mindfulness brings: - response instead of reaction - taking into account context of a situation - reaction is loss of context - everything comes into awareness before it comes into attention - attention is more self-centered, awareness is other, outside how to stop mind-wandering: - it will happen - when coming back, natural response is anger - this gets associated with most recent event, which is the comback - so turn that around: be happy about coming back Entry: Stuck Date: Thu Dec 20 12:00:41 EST 2018 Lot's of anxiety and aversion leading to escapism, undermining practice. I'm spiraling. I NEED TO SIT. RIGHT NOW. Entry: lean into it Date: Tue Jan 1 21:33:47 CET 2019 Don't run away, and don't go for full frontal either. Just lean into it. Something will happen. EDIT: This works. Entry: Cycling Date: Fri Jan 18 17:19:25 EST 2019 https://www.dharmaoverground.org/discussion/-/message_boards/message/5839517 https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/5u1got/practice_how_is_your_practice_week_of_14_february/ "Oh, regarding actually making it happen, no need to change your practice or technique. Just do what you did to get Stream Entry. It's the same process. Getting Second Path is like getting First Path again, just less confusing or unclear, and maybe quicker to attain." Entry: Picking up again Date: Fri Jan 18 17:54:39 EST 2019 So it is very hard to actually sit. Trying to do the breath meditation has never really worked, so maybe go back to noting. That was quite effective last time. I do need to find a pre-meditation trick. Let go of the aversion to meditation, because without actively doing this, the meditation seems "fake". Maybe the noting can pierce through this as well. Entry: tv is the "out there" Date: Sat Feb 9 12:20:34 EST 2019 while music playing is the "in here". Notice the difference when playing music on youtube and turning off the screen :) All constructs :) Entry: How To Cure "Brain Fog" | 3 Tips for Mental Clarity Date: Sat Feb 9 12:51:04 EST 2019 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D6onQw3hWGg - overstimulation, attention fragmentation, dopamine fast (no intake, only output), meditation - subconscious disctractions through procrastination. be on top of things. get things out of the way so they don't create worry. write things down and set reminders. - optimize health: sleep, exercise, hydrate, eat good food Entry: Observing reality is an act of creation Date: Fri Mar 8 12:19:50 EST 2019 There is no way around that. And that may be the essence of humanity. It is the flower. So how to relate this to suffering? Because, rationally, I only see solipsism. Entry: purpose Date: Sun Mar 10 13:45:28 EDT 2019 purpose relevance meaning motivation pointlessness opportunity resentment unfairness should task done challenge create control connection automation world music Entry: this context constantly dies Date: Sun Mar 24 21:59:54 EDT 2019 And we're afraid of dying? Entry: The power of introverts | Susan Cain Date: Sun Mar 31 19:07:00 EDT 2019 shyness is fear of social judgement Entry: Regret Date: Mon Apr 1 15:41:12 EDT 2019 I am starting to wonder if the unlived life, the potential, has more value than the lived but imperfect life, because the dream creates inspiration and motivation to live. Meaning, it seems better to not make a choice, than to make a bad one with long lasting consequences, fueling disappointment and resentment. Entry: What does the brain want? Date: Sat Apr 6 08:14:40 EDT 2019 It wants power. It can't really be forced to do anything. It can only be tricked into wanting to excert power. I wonder if much of my low energy, laziness is due to lack of control, lack of power. Entry: Stuck in some kind of fantasy Date: Wed Apr 17 20:07:05 EDT 2019 Anwyays: context is I'm editing my CV for a new round of contract project hunting, and I can't help but getting sucked into the story of me. Explaining myself cause all kinds of cliche suffering. Highs and lows. Both are quite annoying. Impostor syndrome and big pride of what I've accomplished. And it's all just bullshit. All this value attribution is quite pointless. Secondly, the uncertainty of work is making me wobbly. The need to get out of hiding. It's been quite comfortable up to now. Entry: Math and music Date: Sat Apr 20 12:04:36 EDT 2019 I think the key insight is to take explicit steps get the ego out of the way. Somehow this all got tied with "social capital", and the "i'm already an expert, this should be easy story", which just interferes. The social thing just warps my brain into fear. Beginner mind mentality acknowledges that all interesting problems are going to be really difficult because they lack one or more fundamental insights necessary to make any progress. Also, it is very hard to intuitively grasp the effect of iteration of ideas, especially over long time spans. You tend to forget the places where you got stuck, but the core remains intact. Entry: Social Date: Sun Apr 21 11:49:56 EDT 2019 I guess a lot of the social anxiety comes from the desire to conform and be accepted. This shit goes very deep and very far back into childhood. The desire to conform conflicts with the intrinsic trait of not wanting any interference or advice. People are really built out of contradicting emotions, right? Entry: Time to reconnect Date: Sun May 19 20:12:00 EDT 2019 Some things are quite clear: I live in fear. And I live in isolation. Entry: yard work Date: Sat Jun 8 14:05:18 EDT 2019 Strange. Reading emails I sent earlier today after getting tired doing yard work outside make them sound really off. Like a lot of unnecessary ego and story-driven commentary. Entry: resilience Date: Sat Jun 8 15:36:52 EDT 2019 So it is clear: the bouts of anxiety are going to happen. But fear doesn't need to be the end point. It can be a motivator. It can lead to routes that up to then where unclear. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/resilience "Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked down by life and come back at least as strong as before. Rather than letting difficulties or failure overcome them and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have identified some of the factors that make a person resilient, among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback." Entry: Replace fear with understanding Date: Mon Jun 10 17:45:57 EDT 2019 The more I look at this, the more I realize that fear is way to deal with unknown risk. Fear can often be removed by clearly assessing danger, and assessing a procedure to properly handle the danger. E.g. a power saw is dangerous, but taking into account certain safety procedures and understanding its operation, the fear can be removed. So what is danger then? It is a situation in which careful action is needed to avoid bad consequences. Entry: Distraction Date: Thu Jul 25 21:41:36 EDT 2019 Abt. 3:30 "They just watch me emotionalize, and when I'm done they tell me the plan is more important." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fh8fp9Z78HM Entry: remnant Date: Sat Aug 10 19:15:48 EDT 2019 what do we give the remnant? https://twitter.com/balajis/status/1160421993948147712 Entry: work? Date: Fri Aug 16 20:10:49 EDT 2019 work is to sacrifice the present for the future that is the price of consciousness Entry: procrastination, rebuilding context Date: Thu Oct 3 13:42:00 CEST 2019 https://lobste.rs/s/f2sdfz/what_is_procrastination_exactly Has an interesting post. https://lobste.rs/s/f2sdfz/what_is_procrastination_exactly#c_wnnwq4 Concentration is actually a relaxed, open mind, not a forced mind. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conceptual_proliferation Actionable advice? Try to find the interesting bit and kick intrinsic motivation. Sometimes hard, because a lot of the context can be tainted already. Entry: some notes on picking this up again Date: Sat Nov 2 16:21:14 EDT 2019 For me the problem is always anxiety. If something doesnt work, it is always fear and loss of joy that is the problem. Second level, these are always tied to some kind of strong clinging that is not seen and thus cannot be released. - JUST sit or recline or whatever. just do it - If it's not possible, focus on the nature of the avalanche of sensations instead of getting caught up in them. The problem tends to be that the sheer amount of sensations prevents seeing parts of them. It's ok to see only a couple, but it is important to start isolating them and seeing them as just things happening. Once some of them are seen, the avalanche usually starts toning down as things that are seen no longer have reinforcing power. - If that doesn't help, find another trick to kick the anxiety. JOY is an antidote to fear and aniety. JOY can be hard to recover once lost in a state of deep anxiety embedding, but when recovered, it does tend to turn you inside-out when making an anxious->joyful transition. The thing about being turned inside out was a very strong experience during a micromeditation today. It does seem to have shifted something. Anxiety is much diminished. Entry: something is different Date: Sat Nov 2 23:10:48 EDT 2019 The anchor point of anxiety is gone. It's as if I have no interest in getting on the ride. It has lost its appeal? It's obvious now I have been wasting my time. A sentiment that was there a lot in the past in these moments between things. And dogs are great. Entry: are these tics fruitions? Date: Tue Nov 12 13:35:00 EST 2019 They are getting more frequent, and they are uncomfortable as well. They seem to be some form of "crash". Entry: anxiety and the disconnect Date: Tue Nov 19 09:23:06 EST 2019 The most striking "inside" experience, is the disconnection from joy and focus. At times nothing makes sense, and all I see is how things can go wrong. Entry: want and waiting Date: Tue Dec 3 08:28:47 EST 2019 So I get stuck in waiting, wanting things to move forward. This is interesting, because it clearly indicates that 2nd path hasn't happened yet. Though about 1st path, I am not quite sure. Been watching some Daniel Ingram interviews, and one of his criteria is a clear understanding of the progression of the stages, a lot of cycling, and clear fruitions. I get "blips", but they do not quite correspond to the description of reality disappearing and reappearing. They just feel like jolts, but are very much triggered by insight-like events. I.e. they tend to happen at "detachment points", where I snap out of embedding, see that things don't make sense, and then somehow "crash". The reboot is very subtle. Not much has changed, but it has the effect of being reminded of the charade of self. Of the transient nature of things. One thing that does seem to be possible these days is to quickly get into absorption states. I do not see the 4 stages clearly. In the past I thought I did. So how do I continue from here? Focusing on second-path style fetters (aversion, mostly, but more deeply embedded: obsession) seems to make a lot of sense. First path fetters (self view) don't really seem so relevant any more. Slipping into self-mode is kind of obvious to see as long as it is not cloaked by aversion, want and obsession. So I guess the next step is clear: focus on want. Entry: interaction with the autistic wall Date: Sat Dec 28 15:02:49 CET 2019 Or whatever to call it. Some kind of protection mechanism that kicks in when social interaction is too difficult. Strong attachment to being left alone. Makes it very difficult to let go and actually sit. Entry: Delivery Date: Thu Jan 2 19:58:17 CET 2020 Sometimes it really is impossible to decouple delivery and message. It's all process. Message arrises during delivery. Entry: Social Date: Tue Jan 21 04:51:31 EST 2020 I need to start calling people when I'm away. Isolation has a detrimental effect on everyone. And I need to notice it before it is too late. Entry: aversion as a tool Date: Wed Feb 19 14:35:17 EST 2020 Every day, do something hard, something you don't want to do. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKw1tpN7NVE Entry: worry adds nothing Date: Tue Mar 10 22:40:38 EDT 2020 Sam Harris https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0M1ycc_8Hg 42:00 + leadup if there is something to do, then do it. if there is nothing to do, then don't worry. anxiety is always about action. Entry: Identity as a tool Date: Sun Mar 22 10:37:36 EDT 2020 I have a hard time listening to _how_ these two speak. This is _not_ my tribe :) But it does raise an interesting point: identity as a tool. If you know that identity is an illusion but that it is sort of necessary to have to be able to interface in the world, why not engineer it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MSJOtmZHI8I&t=432s Entry: a cleansing Date: Mon Mar 23 19:59:08 EDT 2020 Weird day. Basically, having to submit to not being in control of my fate, and stop worrying. I am not currently functional. Depressed and difficult to mobilize mental effort. Started listening to KF's clicker technique again, and then did some proper meditation. This took me off of twitter and mindless fear-browsing Corona. Entry: cyclothymia Date: Sat Apr 18 16:16:22 EDT 2020 i'm back. what did it: lie down with noise cancelling on, and trying to let go of everything. the whole thing. the whole idea of life. then pretty much die and wake up again. very refreshed after that. the little nugget that became very clear once detached is the stranglehold of fear and anxiety. it's as if it gets reified: once detached, the glasses are removed and clear sight is restored. ( i was out of it for a couple of days. started gradually as really being bored with work and anything that takes thinking effort, or effort in general. then got very amped up listening to a techno set wednesday afternoon. this than led to a couple of days of running away from things, working on my synth stuff and rewiring studio starting that wednesday night late into the night, to then completely crash yesterday and today and not be able to do much. ) EDIT: I'm operational again. Anxiety is a cork. Entry: Can't die yet Date: Fri Apr 24 21:33:33 EDT 2020 That is something I felt last week, getting into the music thing. I used to experience this more frequently. In general, I feel quite indifferent about living or dying. So I guess that should be worrisome in its own right. Maybe my normal already is quite depressed and disappointed? Entry: Craving people's attention Date: Fri Apr 24 23:48:57 EDT 2020 Craving social status. This really is a thing... I have learned enough to have reached some status in my programming life. There at least I think it has some merit. But as I've noticed after engaging more on Twitter about more serious programming topics, attention and rejection really are poison. So there's that, but I really don't understand what to do with music. Where it all went wrong is when I tried to seek status making music. Maybe it is exactly the same with programming, only that for programming it worked. For music it pulled me into a world that I didn't feel at home in. Music for me is forever tainted to trigger the: "I can do that too and be cool as well" sentiment. I've felt exposed ever since I realized this. I'm ashamed I fell for it. I'm ashamed at how deeply rooted this is in human psychology, how often even in normal conversation I just try to just estabish pecking order. And I can completely understand now why other people turn into assholes when they actually succeed to get attention. How can music be saved for me? As with programming, the thing seems to be to find my own style regardless of what people think of it. That is in itself a pretentious thing to do, but it does work to restore some authenticity. Focus on beauty, not on performance or acceptance. Entry: Opening up again Date: Wed Apr 29 09:02:49 EDT 2020 Wow the lid is coming off... The feels are there again. Entry: On wanting attention, now Date: Wed Apr 29 13:25:52 EDT 2020 It happened again. I really can't deal well with being ignored. Makes me quite angry. So where does that entitlement come from? Entry: dullness Date: Mon May 4 16:03:46 EDT 2020 I need a simple way to tackle this. Something that keeps popping up is that this is ego stuff. Self-centered narrative on replay, that takes up all the space. Once it is dropped, things start popping up again. It's perfectly possible to work with the limitations of not being fast or not remembering everything. The impediment is the aversion to actually do something. The conflict is between second order desire to want to want, and first order aversion to not want to get involved. This is all fluff. Just stop resisting Entry: depressed vs. discontent Date: Tue Jul 28 16:56:59 EDT 2020 https://open.spotify.com/episode/6sW27VwRqXYC0jaWiC0QMd?si=Y1p3XwwyT0Wn2jLbrEdA-w depression: no longer anticipate the possibility of feeling happy as a result of your actions. no longer anticipate reward. very different from discontent of situation. related to relationship to higher meaning - ego is not so interesting. Entry: conflict Date: Thu Aug 6 16:49:40 EDT 2020 I have a lesson to learn about conflict. I don't quite understand yet what, but it is about mantaining borders, and confronting people that transgress. Looks like I am dropped right in the middle of a situation like that. So what to do? It is important to stay calm and aware of the central issue. Entry: ken mcleod Date: Thu Aug 6 17:20:37 EDT 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOp7537lSy4 "we only get angry at what we feel weaker than" 5:50 Entry: some themes Date: Thu Aug 6 18:24:08 EDT 2020 anger struggle desire aversion Entry: the actual problem Date: Thu Aug 6 18:51:37 EDT 2020 1. i get what i want. meaning, i get to learn and use my brain when i'm awake, and this is very satisfying. 2. this way, i get attached to getting my way. so what is there to do about that? can i balance intellectual and spiritual development? the answer is yes, obviously. but do i really understand what that means? Engaging deeply with the programming work requires attachment. Attachment is a tool. Put it back in the shed afterwards. The trick is to turn it on and off. That is really not straightforward. Turning it on requires alertness and relevancy, turning it off requires some form of insight that can let go in the presence of strong inertia. The thing is that it really is a nice hideout. Entry: stress Date: Mon Aug 10 11:49:06 EDT 2020 Why is it so hard to actually sit? So much mental turmoil that I seem to not be able to effectively sit for more than 5 minutes. In previous times, the solution to this was to fist attempt to relax, and only after reaching some quiet, to try to do noting. One thing I can see is that I have trained myself in the last couple of months to get lost in work, which has been relatively successful. That does not seem to be possible right this moment. EDIT: Conditional. One stressor removed (difficult work problem) and it all feels more manageable. The problem is overwhelm. Too many uncontrollable open problems that have serious consequences, and where I'm unresolved about how to proceed. Entry: stop making me feel like Date: Wed Aug 12 18:18:19 EDT 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgkBnMu_cdM 17:00 this is actually quite profound, and so easy to forget... watching the vid took me out of it for a moment. i was quite stuck in exactly this: causally linking ppl's behavior directly to my sentiment as if they are responsible for it... Entry: smile Date: Sat Aug 15 10:15:29 EDT 2020 I guess that's what I need: some simple advice to get out of the current rut... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEpeaWywKi4 Must admit I find the guy a little annoying and long-winded but hey he does make a good point: - stress is about expectations that are too high - smiling can actually make stress go away in a very direct way. it pulls you into the present. stress is always about rumination and worry about the future. - relax. it will improve your sleep, and that has a cascade effect. I'm currently at a point where I am thoroughly trained to initiate the stress response for just about anything unexpected that happens. It is getting worse, and some action is needed.... It is really true, isn't it? STRESS? LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. Joy will soon follow. So much trouble is caused by not acknowledging the cost of wanting a particular outcome. If it goes wrong, then what? The bottom of that is death. Usually, it's not going to be death, but something else that is feared. Some other kind of loss. Loss of time. Money. Opportunity. Relationship. Entry: Practical meditation reminders Date: Wed Aug 19 13:51:53 EDT 2020 I started formal meditation, mainly triggered by entering a high stress period, and not being able to maintain proper perspective and awareness, resulting in physical stress symptoms: - stomach knot - prolonged tingly fear/anger body response The latter is rare but does happen, and has me worried that I might have let it go unchecked a little too long. I put focus on the former, which when overcome, doesn't trigger the second, more intense feedback loop. Main coping mechanism has been work: getting into flow tends to make the symptoms go away. But it is indirect. Focusing directly on the stomach knot is more effective, but harder to do. REMINDER: It does work. Just stick to it. Cushion doesn't seem to be good, so lay down, with blinds and ear plugs to take out most of the ambient. The release is quite noticable: intestines start relaxing, and air starts moving around. Also a feeling of wellbeing replaces the clenched fear knot. I think this is probably good enough as basic practice for now. Don't be too ambitious. At night when it is quiet, the sitting meditation is more likely to be bearable. EDIT: Second session, clenched gut again. Very hard to see through it. Conceptually I know this is the effect of not clearly seeing the individual parts: the whole solidifies. Thoughts cannot be seen as thoughts. The feedback cycle is not noticed. Still attached, but I did notice a slight change when dropping the identification with the social conflict that is at the root of this getting stuck. If mind considers not being part of the construct, then immediately calm arises. So maybe to get to see the root here: where is the identification? EDIT: Another transition: the realization that the world is large, and I am limiting myself to a small piece to get stuck in. shift prolonged non-dual shift. happened after sit after hearing daniel describe the "thing the mind doesn't need to do", around 7:30 in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWUV7hZE0BU shift reminds me of one of the first one i had, in lansing, at night sitting in front of a box fan. there are fans going now too, and it's dark and quiet. similar athmosphere. the shift is one from "me in the room" to the room filled with sensations. Entry: continue? Date: Thu Aug 20 10:03:46 EDT 2020 So yesterday was interesting. Things are already changing. However I do have much stronger anxiety. I cannot push the fear away, it is very much in my face demanding to be dealt with. Dark night resuming.. Impermance. So a little reminder, again: 1. First objective is to relax. Breath medatation works, period. Recline or sit, based on energy level. It is very clear to see when relaxation sets in: intenstines start moving air. 2. Second objective is to go head on with the 3 charactersistics. No self seems to be the straightforward one, but the one I am stuck on is impermanence. Entry: re-insight Date: Sun Aug 23 10:00:45 EDT 2020 I guess it is now very clear that meditation is something that needs momentum. Every day, or it will loose activation. And it is also clear that even if I can't do the hard core insight practice per se, just trying to calm the fuck down is already worth quite a lot. Instead of focusing on the breath, focus on the knot in the stomach. Contraction. Entry: mindful cleaning Date: Sun Aug 23 10:16:00 EDT 2020 So why is it so hard to do this? Cleaning for me is relationship rumination time. Mind starts having conversations and simulated conflicts with people I know. I don't seem to be get to a sufficient level of awareness to inctercept and see thoughts as thoughs. So how to break that down and remove the suffering? EDIT: One thing that seems to work better than to try to concentrate on the cleaning itself, is to concentrate on something ambient. I tried it for a fan, which is monotonous enough so the mind gets tricked into "this is meditation". The cleaning is too complex to be mindful of at this stage, and mind easily wanders elsewhere. Entry: Last couple of days Date: Wed Aug 26 17:31:40 EDT 2020 Meditated a lot, with a lot of mind wandering and lack of energy. Tried to get to a self-drop like happened last Wednesday night, but the trying probably prevented that from happening. Yesterday has a small 1-second shift happen. Luminosity, field of experience. It was quite strong, then fear and I was looking for self/center to come back and it did immediately. Today restlessness. Where am I on the map? I am cycling. I've had at least two self drops since I started last week. One was very clear an profound. One was weird and scary. I find myself stuck mostly in what feels like reobservation: lot's of restlessness and not-ok-ness with reality. The transition dark night -> reobservation -> equianimity seems quite clear. I keep dropping from equanimity to reobservation due to lack of concentration. Read MCTB part about reobservation. It is explained that strong concentration can help, and acceptance of this, now. And indeed, that works, but I no longer see these strong transitions to equanimity. Just the feeling of relief, and then slipping right back. When loosing concentration, I am noticing that there is a drop in noticable experiences. Self feels solid. Story is solid. When in concentration there is spaciousness but a strong sense of the watcher. So what to aim for? - Be more aware of loss of concentration. It seems necessary to cleanly make the transition from reobservation -> equanimity and remain focused, and not just give up because hey I'm good. - In non-concetrated state, focusing on the sensation of confusion seems to help. This is a hard one to catch because it is very sticky. - The self door is only accessible in equanimity, and concentration needs to be really high to allow the transition to centerlesness to happen. Entry: Talking about the moment Date: Wed Aug 26 20:35:15 EDT 2020 I fell into the trap of solidifying an experience, wanting it to return, and blabbing about it on email. Should not. There is nothing else beyond the moment to point to. No amount of conceptualizing is going to make any sense. Self is such a strong and sticky thing. Coopting. How to navigate that? I want to talk about this, but how? Just point to the moment? And it is exactly that which is so utterly uninteresting to the uninterested. It is also clear that those that do not already seek are completely and so incredibly far from being able to hear any of this. And I count myself there too, for many years on hiatus... Stuck in that loop, it is real.