Fri May 18 11:16:10 EDT 2012
Before sitting around midnight, 30 minutes, I was quite on edge. Even
when it's no big deal to feel bad these days (which is an awesome
develepment btw.) there is plenty of unsatisfactoriness going on.
I went the samatha route. Not sure where I got, maybe 2nd jhana as I
think there is at least some effortlessness going on. After that I
eventually ended up in equanimity. The "investigation" feels really
more natural than abiding in the bliss.
Self dissolved at some point. I'll try to explain the experience. I
was looking out the window at the garage. Doing so there was no
sensation of observer, however focusing on the curtains through which
I was looking created a clear sense of "me sitting in the room
watching outside". I kept focusing on those sensations until they got
re-interpreted as just sensations. No trace of me, just sensations.
Accompanied by a great sense of relief and equanimity and a clear
seeing of the absence of suffering caused by this disappearing of the
out-there / in-here distinction.
After the sit, the sense of self returned when I went to bed.
Main feature of the sit: clear feeling of non-separation /
selflessness. This has been quite reproducable lately. That feeling
itself changes. My fear towards it does no longer kick me out of it.
On to interpretation. Did I reach SE? Am I now cycling? How can
this experience of non-separation be so clear and at the same time not
be permanent? I've plenty of separation-based behaviour and story
going on during the day. I end up in unsatisfactoryness and with
almost no exception I can then sit for 15-30 minutes and end up in
equanimity feeling very good after that.
It seems obvious that I need to continue doing this, trying to note
more in the process. Noting really is quite a powerful technique. It
seems to make it easier to come back to a central point instead of
getting carried away without focus. It keeps the attention "switched