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On the path

I started this log when starting to read Daniel Ingram's book.  So
where am I on the path?  I don't know.  If I would guess, I'd say
reobservation and early equianimity.  What seems recognisable is the
piercing through the "all fluff" of reobservation into the quiet open
space of early equanimity, though this could also be pre-A&P.

If it's equanimity, I must have had an account of the dark night.  And
I recall a lot of time spent in misery, crying about a deep deep
feeling of sadness about the clear link between suffering and its
causes, i.e. my own choices and choices of people around me.

Disgust I've not seen so much of, only in it's lesser form of
disinterest and boredom.  Though there have been moments when I
clearly felt "home sick" for an illusion of permanence.

Fear following insights was definitely there a couple of times.  Most
fear however was fear for possible future real-world situations,
i.e. worry.



What worries me is that I feel better on the cushon overall: the heavy
emotions do not arise so much, but that happiness makes me sloppy.
Also, I don't tend to oversit.  I stick to 30 minutes pretty much,
with some continuation in bed, where I usually fall asleep.

And then there's the mornings.  They suck.  No, they are beautiful but
they are also filled with desire and attachment.  They start to suck
when obsession or aversion sets in.  I'm just not aware/awake until
hours after I get out of bed..



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